


Guess Who's Back!

by NovelettesByNicki



Series: Guess Who's [1]
Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Love, Male-Female Friendship, Miscarriage, Past Relationship(s), Pregnancy, Romantic Friendship, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:14:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 54,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27325633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NovelettesByNicki/pseuds/NovelettesByNicki
Summary: When a beloved member of the intelligence unit is back and promoted to Sargent after Hank Voight decided to retire to see his grandson grow up, how will the rest of the team react when they didn't know they were coming back or was becoming their boss. Please write reviews or ideas for what you might want to happen next as it helps with inspiration, this is my first Linstead story x
Relationships: Erin Lindsay/Amanda Rollins, Erin Lindsay/Hank Voight, Jay Halstead & Erin Lindsay, Jay Halstead/Erin Lindsay, Kim Burgess/Adam Ruzek, Kim Burgess/Erin Lindsay, Olivia Benson/Erin Lindsay
Series: Guess Who's [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2045461
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

One

Erin walked up the stairs to the 21st precinct intelligence unit with some amount of hope, a lot had changed since she had left, she had missed a lot. She kept in touch with her father figure Hank and she had tried to come back before Alvin’s funeral but she was called in for an undercover assignment for a bomb plot for time square, she regretted not to be able to say goodbye to a much-loved friend and almost like an uncle to her but he was already gone but the tens of thousands commuting through time square were very much alive and she couldn’t help but think of the lives of many like Al had taught her to as a rookie cop. All living lives matter whether they were drug addicts, prostitutes or children, everyone mattered, everyone had a family that loved them, so for the first time in 4 years she had stepped foot in Chicago was the same day she would step into the 21st precinct, she was coming home, she was home, she had got a new job and she always thought that she’d get one day, today was her day to the intelligence sergeant at the 21st precinct.

Hank had decided that enough was enough with his job, he was getting older and with his grandson in another state he wanted to see him grow up and play with whilst he was fit and able, so he had spoken to Olive and Erin at length about his decision and had named Erin as his successor to the position he had filled for so many years as sergeant of the intelligence unit because he knew it would be safe with her and he thought that he could finally bring her home to Chicago again. He trusted Jay to be sergeant but Erin had been on the job longer and has a certain clean and non-corrupt image of herself in New York and the head of the 21st precinct wasn’t bothered about her return and her coming back, even though the reason she left wasn’t entirely clean, but had been highly recommended by much high authority holding FBI agents that she had changed a lot since joining the FBI and she did everything by the book and the law, that her true colours had changed.

Erin had left a lot behind her in Chicago and New York but she was in somewhat excited to coming back home to her old police station she had spent so much time and of her life there, so the 21st precinct would always be home to her, and when Hank told her that he was leaving intelligence she had started to look for a home for her in Chicago, she had sold her old home years ago and she had bought a three-bedroom, but it was more like two bedrooms and an office about 5 miles away from the precinct, it wasn’t too far away if there was an emergency, but it was far enough to be away from all the sirens, however she had got used to hearing those quite often in New York.

But the only thing that scared her the most was him. Jay. She had left without saying goodbye and they had broken apart in her last weeks in Chicago but she had never loved anyone in New York or before in Chicago like the way she loved him, he was the one for her and her already he wouldn’t be excited to see her but she had to see him first before she could just turn up in intelligence and just say ‘ta-da’, but she couldn’t she knew she needed to but instead she turned up on the first Monday of October to the 21st precinct, said ‘Hello’ to Sargent Platt and proceeded to walk up the stairs to intelligence.

Sargent Platt had briefed the intelligence team that a new sergeant for intelligence had been picked without anyone’s knowledge except Voight and the Deputy chief in command who had approved of the appointment they had been told that they were due to be starting at the beginning of October, and Monday would be their first day. After Trudy announced the news to the team she walked back down the intelligence stairs and texted Lindsay to tell her that she had briefed the team that her arrival would be on Monday. Trudy had gotten excited when she had a coffee at Starbucks with Erin, she had noticed the difference in her the minute she saw her, dressed in black formal paper bag pants, a wite chiffon vest and flaunty black blazer and heels, Trudy knew she had changed just from the fact that she was wearing heels, Erin had always been a boots sort of girl and her hair was highly strewn into a high top ponytail, she looked smart and classy but she looked a long way from the ex-drug addict from the 21st week before she left, she had long blondish brown hair which was a mixture of straight and curled locks. They had sat talking for hours until the Saturday night breeze was coming around and they both nodded goodnight and Erin drove her blacked-out truck to her empty apartment waiting for Monday for her new job to start.

So as Monday came she walked up the stairs a wave of emotion had hit her hard as she got to the gate, she buzzed herself in and walked to the top of the large staircase to arrive to be met by the team, Jay, Hailey, Kevin, Kim, and Adam. Erin had spoken to Kim and got all the intelligence gossip while she was away and her first decision she knew was that she was going to change up the partners but she would tell them that later. Erin thought ‘Jay and Kim, Kevin and Hailey, which meant she was with Adam.’ Before they all stood there in shock that there she stood Sergent Erin Lindsats, none of them had even thought of Erin becoming sergeant as the last they had heard she was second in command to the Counter-Terrorism unit n New York with the FBI ad that was from Kim Burgess over 3 months ago.

“Erin!” Kim shouted as she gave her friend a huge hug, “Your back, woohoo! Girl Power. So you’re the new sergeant, fancy Molly’s tonight to celebrate?” Burgess expressed happily. 

Erin said ‘Yes’, smiled and looked at the rest of the team she had been promoted over all of them so she knew they could be some hostility but Atwater, Ruzek and Hailey were all pleasantly surprised and happy that it was Erin and not some good for nothing Rookie sergeant, they knew that they could trust her to have their backs and her own back, but there was one person in the team was surprised, shocked and happily sort of angry that she was stood right in front of him, Jay. 

Jay looked at Erin in disbelief, she was back after 4 years, no contact with anyone for nearly 2 years until Kim had got in contact with her and they spoke on a monthly basis but Kim had said she hadn’t spoken to her in months, always missing one another. She stood right in front of him with her greenish hazel eyes and long dark brownish and blonde soft curled hair which just under the bottom of her ribcage, she had muscular toned shoulders that would only show her muscles if she flexed and sort of olive tanned appearance. She wore a nude pink blazer with a white v neck plain t-shirt and black paper bag formal trousers, he looked in-depth at her as she hugged the rest of the team, leaving him out probably because it was awkward to hug him when he noticed that she looked taller, and he began to look her up and down and noticed the black shiny stilettos, and her makeup was different more dramatic with a light shaded smoky eye and eyeliner, she looked like the big-city version of Erin Linsday, he thought to himself that he could walk down the street and no even notice her, she looked so different but when he stopped to really think what she looked like, she looked and seemed like she was healed, she wore the pearl bracelet on her wrist from Bunny and she didn’t flinch when she touched them, but instead, she seemed to make peace with them, with Bunny. 

All he thought was that four years was a long time for someone to heal and make amends with people and build relationships with people, he wondered whether she had met someone new and she was a relationship, he missed her but she had broken his heart even though they were apart, all he wished for was a goodbye from her or even a conversation on the phone after she had left but no he had got nothing for 4 years. New York had been the best decision for her at that point in time as she had healed and finally found inner peace and he was happy was better and not hurting but she left before he could ask her the question he wanted so badly to ask “Marry Me?”, but while she was gone he wasn’t healed, he was hurt and soulfully injured by her departure that he had to work his life out on his own, no love life, no fiance, no girlfriend, no Erin, and he had lost so much when she left, firstly her, then Al, then his father, and having a dead kid on his conscience.

“Hey,” He spoke slowly, trying to evade gossip and whispering about their previous relationship “good to have you back.” She smiled and said “Thank you” and they shared a quick hug with everyone staring at the backs of the past lovers as if they needed to be put in a room together and talk for hours about the past but the pressing case in front of them begun and everyone was looking at Erin from the direction in the case like Voight used to do at the beginning of a new case, she quickly placed her box of belonging in her office and the nameplate on the office door which read ‘Sgt. Erin Lindsay’ and she finally began to feel like she was at home again.

She told the team what to do, unpacked her stuff in her office including photographs of her past and present teams in both New York and Chicago, they was one of her, Jay, Kim and Adam smiling after they’d gone to see a movie all together, she started to think about the hug with Jay how it may have been short but it felt electric and just as loving as before, well for her anyway, he would always make her feel that way he was the love of her life, at one point up in New York he was all she could think of, to come home and tell him, but things happened, one she didn’t ever want to relive and so she didn’t, she stayed in New York with her feelings for him locked away and she didn’t look back at the good or the bad time because they began to be too painful to remember.

Jay sat at his desk waiting for facial recognition to identify a suspect in a triple homicide, all the victims were members if the west coast snakes, as they all had the identifying tattoos on their shoulders, that was something Erin noticed first since quite a lot of the counter-terrorism and gang unit worked in unison and so she had worked both at one time as she had gone undercover for them a couple of times. He began to wonder about Erin and the past, he couldn’t stop thinking about her sitting in front of him the office just meters away, she looked different but she seemed the same, the same cheeky fun loving Erin who had instantly said yes to drinks at Molly’s that night and he wondered whether the change in appearance was just because of her work in the FBI and she was really the exact same woman who had left years ago, he thought had she changed at all was she just the same and acting a clean and non-corrupt image of herself for the sake of the FBI and her job and that she wasn’t really any different to how she was before she had left. He envied her for the job she had just got but he knew she was more than qualified to do the job and especially more than himself but her had begun to think that Voight trusted him to become Sargent when he left but obviously Hank had been up to something he was trying to bring his “foster” daughter home back to Chicago back to her family. Jay still had the ring, his mother’s ring in his save at home, it felt right to keep it there instead of his mother’s safety deposit box, but no girl he dated or went out with, came anywhere near where he and Erin were because he always felt that she was his soulmate. But he thought back to when he hugged her and he remembered she sort of had a small finch as his body touched hers almost as if she repelled at his touch and he couldn’t fathom why.

Erin booked outside of her window to see Atwater waving his hand to come out of the office and she walked quickly with the click-clack of her heels bouncing off the floor. “Me and Jay have gotten the face recognition back and we have a match for Nolan Simons from the Blackstone Disciples,” Kevin said to his commanding officer.

“Right get a warrant out for his house and any other building he owned and suit up, we’re gonna go raid his house and bring him in for questioning,” Erin told the team as she questioned herself if this was the right way to go about her first case, but she knew to the sergeant at the 21st intelligence you had to have balls, and the need to prove to the gangs that she was as brutal as Voight was, otherwise they would walk all over her. They all rushed down to the cage and the gun room to get geared when Jay noticed Erin was the last to come down the stairs a couple of minutes after he had, when she got to the bottom of the stairs she sung the heels she had on off to the side of the wall with her nude blazer as she rushed to her boots which had her socks stuffed inside, he proceeded to get his vet secured tight on his masculine body, and went over to give Erin a hand with hers as he noticed that she was the same when she was vesting up, she couldn’t get it tight enough, she felt a hand on her barely covered shoulder who had grabbed the strap to her vest and began to tighten the velcro strap on the shoulders, she began to turn and she said thank you, noticing it was Jay like old times like they were partners again, but they wasn’t, and probably never would be again.

The team was already and getting into the cars, when she thought to herself again about did she want to change the partners, and she looked at Jay and Hailey, and Adam and Atwater, which left her with Kim, and she would see how it would go for this case and if she wanted to change the partners it would be changed to Jay and Burgess, Atwater and Upton, which meant she was with Ruzek, because she couldn’t bare to go with Jay, it would be weird and inappropriate, so she got in the car with Kim, with the keys to go and they all rolled out to get there man for questioning.


	2. Two

Two

Erin walked back into the back of the 21st precinct with Ruzek at first with Simons cuffed walking in front of them, she brought him into the cage and left him cuffed inside the cage, when they all went to take their vests off, Erin proceeded to remove her coat and vest and put her nude blazer back on, when she sat on the concrete stairs to remove her boots and socks before she walked barefoot on the cold concrete floor to pick up her high heels and she sat again to put the not really expensive as they looked heels back on her small feet, while the rest of the team removed their outdoor attire.

Erin let Ruzek and Upton take the session of questioning with the suspect, she thought she would see how to team had been doing interviews while she had been away, she knew that lots of things had changed since she had left so it was a perfect way to just see on what they were doing in the viewing room. But with the changes to the team she seemed to be the first to leave the team four years ago, then Alvin had died and then Antonio left a little of over a year ago, she had also heard that a there had been a member she hadn't even meet had left, her name was Rojas or something like that, Kevin had told her and she hadn't been totally focusing on what he was saying. She had thought after the raid that the Sergeant of intelligence couldn't always be in the field, so at some point, she needed to find another full-time member for the team, which would be permanent partners with Ruzek or Burgess. Erin walked downstairs to see Platt and ask her about her opinion on maybe bringing someone up and who she could recommend.

"Hey, Trudy, I need a favour, I need to know if you find any of your officers would be good to be brought up full time in intelligence?" Erin asked as politely as she could.

"Well I can't really think of any of them, to be honest, most of them have either no interest or they are just starting out from the academy.

Erin thought that she would call around and find out if anyone could recommend anyone, but she thought it could be worth a shot at asking Dawson on whether he would be interested in returning to Intelligence, and she knew that he would know if anyone was decent to join intelligence if not. She grabbed her phone out of her blazer pocket to check if she still had Dawson's number in her phone, she walked back upstairs to her office and shut the door so that she could call him in private and ask him if he wanted to return to his old job in intelligence under her command now. She called his number, after finding it was still in her phone, and she expected to maybe leave a voicemail and get back to him later but instead, he caught her off guard and picked up the line instantly.

"Hi Erin, how are you doing? I haven't spoken to you in ages, must have been months ago now, so what's up kiddo," Dawson kidded as he called her 'kiddo', it had been their inside joke of the office when they both worked together as she was treated like a child from Voight so they would joke about it.

"Hey, I know we haven't talked in ages, and thing have changed too, I'm back in Chicago now, I took Voight's old job, now that he's retired I have become the Intelligence Sergeant, and I have a favour to ask, I need another member of intelligence because I can't always be in the field for raid or warrants so I need a permanent partner for either Ruzek or Burgess. If you did come back you'd be under my command only but if you don't want to, could you recommend someone, because I struck out with Platt." Erin asked endearingly as she spoke to her old friend.

"That's brilliant news, Erin, that your Sargent now in intelligence, I never thought you would have come back, especially since the way you and Jay left it together, but coming back to the 21st, erm…" He paused to think about his decision, "Go for it Linds, I'll come back to Intelligence for you, bring the team back together, when do you want me." He gladly accepted and questioned.

"ASAP Dawson, I could do with you as soon as you're free to come back." Erin happily said, so she texted Trudy to tell her that she had got the next member of intelligence back and it suddenly felt like the old gang was back together, albeit without Hank or Al, after 3 or 4 years of all being apart.

Smiling walking out of her office, she thought to herself that she would let Dawson tell the team but she was going to get another member of the team to join because they would need help at some point when she is preoccupied with the commander on issues that she agrees to deal with police reform in Chicago police officers at the 21st precinct and others with all other Sergeants in the Chicago areas.

"Hey guys I have to announce that another person will be joining intelligence to make the partner equal to raids excluding me, but I will let them introduce themselves to you when they all tell you," Erin spoke.

They all began whispers in the office speculating who could be the next member when Adam asked: "Is it, Dawson?" When Erin smiled knowing that Adam was right, when she heard a pin on her phone from Jay, "Can we talk, tonight at that bar your high school reunion was near." At first Erin was shocked and she turned to look at Jay and quickly typed "Yes. Meet at 8." With a sort of smile on her face as she thought maybe they could get the pair of them deep down, she wished she could hug him and said sorry for the way she left and tell him everything that happened whilst she was in New York but that was painful enough to live through and she didn't know if she wanted to live through and talk about the past again. She really didn't want to relive it having to tell Jay but if she needed to make them friends or to make them right again she would, but maybe telling him the truth would bring her some comfort from telling him.

As the questioning of the suspect and the raid of the house had come to a confession aided by the finding of a murder weapon they all began to write up their own version of events and how it happened, Upton and Jay, both handed in their case notes first and then read 7.30 pm while the others weren't far behind, Erin put a little makeup on and decided to go meet Jay and then hurry along to Molly's as she promised to Kim and the others just telling them that she would be late she had something to do first.

Jay walked nervously into bar wondering why he had even asked her to come and talk, they haven't talked in so long they could have been strangers to one another, Erin seemed to have arrived before him, he hadn't noticed because he couldn't recognise her car, another thing that was new, a new car, a new appearance, a new/old job, they both had acted awkwardly at first when they meet for the first time seen Erin returned to Chicago but he didn't need to justify himself, he just wanted to clear the air so that he could just go back to doing his job, and forgetting this relationship he had had with Erin over 4 years ago.

Erin stood and walked over to Jay as she guided him to the table that she was seated at, overlooking the river and the bar, Erin walked in the same glossy shiny heels she came to work in but her outfit had changed into a black skinny flirtatious dress with a white blazer that hugged her shoulders, and her hair was deadly straightened, and her makeup had got just as dramatic with grey smoky eyes and harsh blood-red lipstick. Jay wore black skin-tight jeans and a dark blue shirt with his signature black bomber jacket that he always wore as a coat, they began to exchange glances, they both loved one another, anyone could see it in their eyes, but they were bad for one another in the, he left and told her that he would stay with his brother, and she left without a word, still standing like awkward teenagers at the bar waiting to get a beer each, Jay debated whether or not a hug, a handshake or anything at all was necessary when they first saw one another, so he just left it with nothing, and had walked behind her to the table to put his coat down before going to the bar with Erin.

"You look nice," Jay said to break the frigid ice between them.

"Thanks. Just so we're clear I didn't dress up for this," as she waved pointing her fingers towards the pair of them, "I promised Kim and Ruzek that I would go clubbing tonight, the case is all wrapped up so I can have a single night for clubbing and celebrating before have to be the boss." Erin established.

Jay stared at his ex-girlfriend who could have easily been his fiance or ex-fiance if he had got the courage to ask her to marry him, but he knew he wanted to make it special and wanted to propose at Molly's but he had wished for years that he had proposed in the middle of the street so that it would have given her a reason to stay.

"Why did you come back? Because the last time you were here if I remember correctly if it hasn't been in 4 years. " Jay questioned wondering how and why she came back to Chicago, was it to taunt him, or was it just because she was offered a job she had always wanted.  
"Hank asked me to come back, and I had been meaning to put a transfer into the Chicago field office or to move to where Olive and Daniel are living, they are like family but so is here so I was going to move back home, here. Plus I had only ever got to second in command in my undercover unit so when I was offered Sergeant of intelligence I grabbed the opportunity since Hank was retiring." Erin answered.

"I know that us being the way it is now isn't all your fault," Jay accepted before Erin interjected as she began to apologise.

"I'm sorry that I didn't pick up the phone when you rang that night, I should have told you that I was leaving that night and that I didn't call first to tell you or ask Hank to tell you that I was coming back, I accept that I could have given you a heads up about my return. But It had to be Chicago that I came back too, the 21st precinct is practically where I grew up, where I decided what my life would lead to instead of just being arrested for petty crimes and probably ended up being dead by now. So when Hank's choice of me being Sergeant was accepted by the commander, I accepted right away and so now I'm here." Erin apologised as she explained further about her return and about how she vanished 4 years ago and how she had staged her return to Chicago and the 21st.

"I get it, Erin, I get why you left, they were going to take your badge and you would have lost your career, but why did you leave without a goodbye, I would have understood, you know Erin you could have told me anything. I would have talked no matter what time, why didn't you just return one of my messages." Jay angered for answers from his ex-girlfriend.

"Because I love... loved you..." Erin instantly knew to correct what she said. "I couldn't look back at Jay, because you would have talked me out of it. I was doing it to save my career, my life, my mum, not that I should have done that," She sighed. "If I didn't have my badge what would I have Jay, you practically left me in our bedroom and wouldn't tell me about your wife, ex-wife whatever she was, I told you about my entire life, and yet you wouldn't let me in for anything that was going through with you, you knew my past, but you couldn't even share your past with me. I was trying to the right thing for both of us but instead, I just made it hurt more, and then the things happened in New York I couldn't face you, I couldn't do this then, I wasn't ready then, it was too painful to return then, so I just decide to forget it, forget us and just everything about leaving here."Erin just poured her entire heart out to her ex, to her forever love, the love of her life, yet that would be a secret no that she would take to the grave.

"I'm so sorry Erin I never told you sooner about Abby, I just wanted to leave that in the past and my fu*ked up part of my life after coming home from my tours aboard, I didn't want to hurt you, and I'm sorry if I did, but what you did was unforgivable, I thought so many things, like had someone taken you, were you dead, I had to call Hank to find out what was going on with you."  
"What can I say, Jay, nothing can change what happened, you weren't the only one who was hurting, I lost everything Jay, my life here, my home, our… I'm sorry Jay and then things in New York weren't any better when I moved there." Erin whimpered as she told him everything she was ready to tell him.

"What things happened in New York, what made you hurt so bad that you couldn't even call or tell Hank how you were doing, is that why you changed all of this?" Jay questioned as he pointed towards her appearance in her hair and clothes.

"Things just happened Jay, that I would rather just leave in the past." Erin countered.  
"What happened to you there, Erin what happened?" He questioned again.

"I don't what to talk about it, not here, not now, I can't talk about this here, not in the middle of a bar Jay, I won't, I have somewhere to be, I promised the team that I would meet them at Molly's, for drinks to celebrate," Erin said as she stood up and grabbed her handbag to leave when Jay lightly grabbed her forearm to stop her from leaving.

"Then where, when, just tell me, please Erin, tell me, we just need to get the air cleared, then we can just work together, we don't even have to talk about it, this, us then again," Jay begged as he let go of her arm, that he had only gently held.

"Just give me time, I'll tell you one day, just not yet," Erin explained as tears rolled down her face, and she wiped away as they fell.

"Okay…" Jay said as he stood, he pulled Erin in for a hug as tears still slowly dropped from her eyes, and he knew that she wasn't as healed as she appeared and that she was putting on the same brave face that she had always done before, and at that moment it was like nothing had happened, they were Jay and Erin, they were in love, but it was so very different from that it made Jay's heartache for the answer to why she was crying other him asking what happened in her after she left Chicago and headed to New York for a clean fresh start, which sounded far from a fresh start she had hoped for, from the conversation they had had together in the middle of a bar they once knew together…

Erin gently wiping the tears away trying to keep her makeup half decent so that she could go to Molly's without applying more, she could see the hurt in his eyes as much as he could see it in her eyes, they had far from cleared the air with one another but it had been less awkward, meaning that they could at least be in a room together without being so angry with the other. She drank the rest of her whisky and she realised that she was past the limit to drive her truck, to which Jay said that he had only had a coke and offered to drive her to Molly's together as she was still going as she made a promise she wasn't going to break when they exited the bar she begun to realise the effect of 5 whiskies when Jay helped her in his car and drove them to Molly's when Erin was a little tipsy from the alcohol she had consumed, and she accepted that she would deal with the consequences with a hangover in the morning and they walked into Molly's, one after another, closing the door behind them.


	3. Three

Three

“Woohoo!” Kim shouted while enjoying the alcohol in her system while partying with one of her only female friends in the police. “Erin’s Back! Toast! Toast! Toast” Kim chanted.

“Well what can I say, well Kim mainly said most of it earlier, but it’s not just for me, Here’s to us! To Us!” Erin congratulated the entire team for her return and their return to one unit again, the merging of the old and the new team together.

“Speech! Speech! Speech!” Adam and Kevin chanted to the new unit chief.

“Jesus, you take one a job and it’s like a public event,” Erin giggled “Well I never thought that I would be back here, never mind with his job, I knew that I left with a lot of smoke behind me, it wasn’t exactly the best send-off that I could have had it I’ve told you all, but time has gone, and now, here is to my future in Chicago, our future, here’s to Chicago and you lovely lot.” Drunk Erin sobbed as she hugged Kim with her vodka tonic in her hand, while Kim cried with her cocktail spilling down her dress as she went for a huge hug with Erin, while the rest of the team joined in for a group hug, while Jay still seemed distant, he was proud of her accomplishments but he thought it would forever be awkward between the two of them, even if it was him making it that way, you can’t just turn off feelings or memories that he was going to full-on propose to the love of his life in the middle of their favourite bar.

The drinks within the two women were making them act in ways that many of the members on the team never see before, but this time, Erin wasn’t drinking out of addiction to drugs or to mask the pain from her past this time it was to have fun to have time to celebrate her achievement in making Sargent at the one place she could truly call home, but Kim was just celebrating for the time being that it was 3 women against 3 men in the unit, and they could team up like then often did before, and she finally had her friend back in Chicago where she could see her every day and that it was once every 3 months only if they had time to talk, it could be any time of the day and for hours if they wanted.

“Herman, can I have one round of beer at that table please?” She exclaimed.

“Coming right up, It's good to have you back kid,” Herman replied as he gave her a quick hug over the counter of the bar.

“Thank you, it's glorious to be back!” Erin drunkenly swung her head back emotionally as tears rolled down her eyes with excitement and joy that she had returned home, finally to the place she belonged the most.

…

As they all entered the club, all of them pretty much drunk as they had got to last call at Molly's and was still drinking heavily they had all got a taxi to the nIghtclub with Kevin being the least drunk out of everyone, more 90s music started to play, with songs fading in and out like the waves of the sea, with party tunes requested by some young adults. 

“Come on Vodka shots! Shots! Shots! Shots!” Kim begged.

“I’m in for it!” Erin screamed over the top of the loud club music.

“F*ck it, I'll have them” Adam drunkenly declared.

“Pass them here then” Jay caved.

“Okay, not too many, I don't want to get a hangover.” Hailey accepted, while Kevin just nodded accepting the challenge from his former partner.

Kim passed around three shots each for every member of the team who had come out to celebrate. The started to toast one shot to Intelligence, downing the alcohol in one, all of them then wincing at the after taste of the alcohol, the second toast was to Erin’s return and then they didn’t know what the third shot toast would be so they just drank it straight after the second one, as they went back from the table to bar to grab a round of beers to settle their stomach with lighter alcohol, however, the majority of them were becoming or was already drunk, which Erin, Kim and Adam had been drunk as they had left Molly’s but they didn’t want to end the night that soon so they went clubbing. The entire team except for the new return of Antonio who would join them on another night, were all in the middle of the dance dancing like kids to the ironic 90s music when two lovers ran towards the DJ holding hands being as drunk as you could possibly get in a club to request a love song to dance too, the music faded out and 'Still Falling For You' by Ellie Goulding started to play on the huge speakers in the nightclub. 

Fire and ice  
This love is like fire and ice  
This love is like rain and blue skies  
This love is like sun on the rise  
This love got me rolling the dice  
Don't let me lose  
Still falling for you  
Still falling for you  
Beautiful mind  
Your heart got a story with mine  
Your heart got me hurting at times  
Your heart gave me new kind of highs  
Your heart got me feeling so fine  
So what to do  
Still falling for you  
Still falling for you

Erin stood slow dancing with Kim when Adam grabbed Kim for a slow dance together while Hailey had only promised to stay for a little while she was dancing with Kevin, and so Jay and Erin together alone in the middle of the dance floor dancing alone, when a jerk walked past pushing Erin into Jay as she nearly fell to the ground, he was unapologetically sorry to the pair of them. A very drunk Erin looked into a drunk jay's eyes inconsolably as they met, the spark that was there before, 4 years before, was reunited and he helped her to stand again when her enormous heels not helping her to return to a standing position.

It took us a while  
With every breath a new day  
With love on the line  
We've had our share of mistakes  
But all your flaws and scars are mine  
Still falling for you  
Still falling for you

They stood there with inches between him and her, their hands holding one another like it was the last they had ever touch, firm but loving, with their fingers interlaced with one another, and he placed her feet on top of his dirty boots, while her skintight dress begged to be touched when one hand was interlaced together, and the other was placed in her hip, as she returned the same position, they stood closer and closer together as they could until there was no one space between them, and they began to waltzed around the room almost as if it could have been their first dance at a wedding. 

And just like that  
All I breathe  
All I feel  
You are all for me  
I'm in  
And just like that  
All I breathe  
All I feel  
You are all for me  
No one can lift me, catch me the way that you do  
I'm still falling for you

Erin looked up at Jay’s ruggedly handsome face and she started to edge away from him, while he grabbed her back into a loving embrace of holding her so close that their lips could have touched, but neither of them was expecting to remember any of the night. Erin was thinking when she just decided she didn’t have anything to lose, he wasn’t with him or anyone else, and as their faces came closer to one another, their self-control disappeared as the pair shared a vibrant kiss while no one was looking at them, it was electric it was like one of those kisses you’d see in movies, she thought, the fireworks set off as their lips touched, but it had a sense of security and the feeling of home on those lips, it was like nothing was ever different, it was almost as if she could have kissed away 4 years of missing this life and vice versa that one simple kiss had erased all the pain and misery the two had faced alone without the other one been present with them there, however brilliant and loving the kiss was neither of the pair of them would even remember it in the morning from being so drunk, they would barely remember entering the club.

Brighter than gold  
This love shining brighter than gold  
This love is like letters in bold  
This love is like out of control  
This love is never growing old  
You make it new  
Still falling for you  
Still falling for you

As the spotlights beamed down on the lit-up dancefloor, the light reflected from Erin’s sliver and crystal jewellery on her matt black dress, she had left the blazer at the coat check-in, she was too warm to wear it, the alcohol in her system was filling up with enjoyment for the night, she was crazy on happiness and for a short while for a night she was happy that she had something to celebrate and that she could have time to socialise with friends which she had since in years, and for a short time it was like the old days, that they would all hang out at molly’s ask each other ridiculous questions, play truth and dare, but they had continued doing that in Chicago but New York had been serious, all work and no play, she had been through so much in her life, but now it as her life had finally calmed down, she couldnt put her roots down and not have to think about leaving again because she knew she wouldn’t put her career in jeopardy again for anyone or anything.

It took us a while  
'Cause we were young and unsure  
With love on the line  
What if we both would need more  
But all your flaws and scars are mine  
Still falling for you  
Still falling for you  
Still falling for you

Jay thought or tried to the best of his ability to think which so much alcohol in his system of what he was doing, but his heart was ruling his head for the last 2 minutes, that the dance with his past love wouldn't matter, it wouldn’t remember, I tried to hate her, it hated her for what she did, but he couldn’t hate her anymore, it was was easier to do it when he never saw her, he couldn’t see her in New York while he was in Chicago, but he looked into her eyes, and he saw her happiness but he saw the gleam in her eye that hid the pain and a tortured soul in those eyes of hers, and he couldn’t hate her for protectin her mother and her career, and he saw that his hurt was just as bad as hers as he caused the pain first be never trying to talk about his past with her, he wished that he had done something different, but he hadn’t.

And just like that  
All I breathe  
All I feel  
You are all for me  
I'm in  
And just like that  
All I breathe  
All I feel  
You are all for me  
No one can lift me, catch me the way that you do  
Still falling for you

As the song was coming to an end the pair realised exactly what they were doing they were falling back to old habits of which neuter of them wanted to, even when the loved each other then both thought the same that it didn’t work out the first 1 or 2 times depending on how they were deciding it was, but they both thought that they were cursed together they didn’t make one another happy they were almost poisonous to one another in a relationship, they both didn’t know when they could just talk like normal people, but they never did, and it really leads to the fact that they weren’t compatible to one another, they needed to start afresh but, in both of the pairs heads was a maybe, a possibility, a life that maybe they could be together and have a happy ever after, but it all stemmed from a promise, that one day they would have each other that they would really be together, it was a lovely dream, maybe their one day wouldn’t ever become anything, and it was precisely what they agreed on a promise was a distant non-existent future that would never become anything.

Falling, crash into my arms  
Love you like this  
Like a first kiss  
Never let go  
Falling, crash into my arms  
Never breaking what we got  
Still falling for you

They were stilling dancing around the room, with Erin’s head spinning she lent her head again his muscular shoulder, and let go of his hand as she hugged him while rocking back and forth to the rhythm of the sing, like the actual couple on the dance floor was doing. They weren’t a couple but to any stranger in that club, they looked like happily together couple, who was enjoying a love song together but in their harsh reality, they life would never be the same, it would always be fractured from each other hurting one another, one leaving without trying to explain why he had to leave, and the other left without any explanation to anyone until she had gone to the far right of the country. 

Still falling for  
And just like that  
All I breathe  
All I feel  
You are all for me  
I'm in  
And just like that  
All I breathe  
All I feel  
You are all for me  
All for me

Jay stared down at the much smaller than him woman, whose heels had been tied to her handbag hours ago, and the bare feet were dancing on the light-up dance floor. He wished that he could stay in the moment for a while longer acting as if nothing had happened, in the last 4 years, but it’s hard to forget all the pain in someone’s life when they leave and don’t return all until its 4 years too late, he had changed, he was didn’t, but she seemed different, but deep down she looks had changed and her attitude to following the law was different but in her inner self she was the same down to earth, Erin, she had been that he had fallen for the first day he had ever seen her, the first day they were partnered together. The pair waltzed around the dancefloor like all the other couple on the dancefloor, like Adam and Kim, who seemed that they were making their recurred relationship work again, they were meant for one another but they seemed to be taking it slow and see what each brought them, which this night was happiness and drunkenness but the morning would be hell freezing over hangovers, but the look on their faces for one night of happiness in a dead sea of regret it was worth it, but Jay couldn’t decide with so much of his body being intoxicated by alcohol whether he still had feelings for the one girl who had truly ever had his heart.

And just like that  
All I feel is you  
All I feel is you  
You are all for me  
I'm still falling  
And just like that  
All I feel is you  
All I feel is you  
You are all for me  
No one can lift me, catch me the way that you do  
I'm still falling for you

“I’m still falling for you”

Jay and Erin drunkenly whispered to themselves as they walked away from one another as Erin walked towards Adam and Kim to dance more with the 90’s hip hop beats as she ridiculously danced the put the fish in a box dance, and jay went to the bar for another beer, and then he walked towards the centre of the dancefloor where Jay stood where he was in the middle of the lit dance room and watched Erin’s silly ridiculous impression of “being down with the kids” dancing laughing and walked over to Hailey, who had been waving goodbye to the rest of the team, and wished her goodnight as she decided to call it a night, while the others were going to see where the night took them.


	4. Four

WARNING: Please don't read the second half if you are sensitive to reading about: A case about a child's death and how they are sexually assaulted and then murdered for the case they are working, just to be sensitive only the second half of the case contained this part of the storyline.

Four

Erin woke in her giant bed, with only the white sheets on her petite body as he opened her eyes she instantly regretted the whole of the night with the banging thump on her head after the night's alcohol consumption she bargained with herself that she would never drink unless it was a special occasion, which was very few and far between, with the next one being Christmas so she had just had over 2 months to recuperate for this hangover. She couldn't remember how she got into her apartment, but she couldn't remember much after she had drunk a few too many whiskeys with Jay at some bar she couldn't remember the name of and, then he drove them both to Molly's for her congratulations on her new job, other than entering the bar she had no idea what happened from then on.

Erin stared at the wall of windows, she tried to remember what had happened the night before, she had thought she had dreamt that she had told him about her accident in New York, but she realised she hadn't, she was good at keeping secrets and even a drunk Erin could kept secrets, but she realised that she couldn't remember most of the night and she seemed to kind of like it that way, she could just forget because she didnt know what she had done or acted like last night, and after staring for 10 minutes at the autumn scenery outside of her apartment she rolled over her queen-sized bed to find that Kim was spattered across the over half of her bed, with the pair of them in nothing but underwear and vest each on both of them, which wasn't picked with style, the dark hair brunette elbowed her friend to wake her up to tell her they needed to go to work, it was 7.30 in the morning and they had to be in by 9, so it was going to be greasy breakfast and aspirin to get rid of the majority of their hangovers.

Jay woke up with the remainder of his back aching with the reason he rolled over and fell on the ground remembering that he fell asleep on someone's couch. He started around the room and saw Adam lying half on and half of a couch on the other side of a giant living area, he thought that they must have gone to Erin's new apartment because he didn't recognise the place he was in when Kevin walked in.

"BREAKFAST IS SERVED!" Kevin shouted annoyingly trying to wake the rest of the group of friends which made everyone want to kill him because he seemed to be the only one without a hangover out of the 5 of them In the apartment.

Erin walked out of her bedroom with her eyes tensed up in nothing but the oversized vest and underwear and shouted at Kevin to shut up because she had a headache, which woke both Adam and Burgess to that they all congregated around the couch that Jay was laid on, which the food was on the dining table only a few steps away from that couch.

"I can't remember anything nearly from last night, what did we even do?" Erin questioned the rest of her friends.

"Don't even get us started," Adam said as Jay butted in "You and Kim got that drunk you puked on each other so, me and Adam got you of those clothes," Jay said making a pint to say that they were all children when it came to alcohol but Adam countered saying "Don't worry we didn't look at anything." Before the pair of the girls looked at each other and made disgusted faces at the boys who helped them out of their clothes in their drunken state the night before.

"Never again, at least not till Christmas" Erin interjected.

" Let's eat then," Kim whispered as she grabbed a plate and a slice of toast, while the rest of the team walked to the table and picked breakfast items and proceeded to sit on the sofas that seemed to be the only thing that was unpacked from her huge new apartment.

Some amount of time had passed in the apartment that morning as the 5 of them had tried to cure their hangovers with a mixture of ideas from green juice to greasy bacon and eggs or just aspirin and many cups of coffee and a pair of sunglasses when Adam questioned Erin about the cardboard boxes anywhere in the apartment from the open double doors of the bedroom and the open spaced living room and some smaller ones inside the bright white open plan kitchen, to which she just complained that she hadn't been in Chicago even a week yet, she only got back on Saturday and she had met Trudy and on Sunday and she had to set up the majority of furniture she desperately needed at some point, especially if she had any amount of guests in her apartment but other than that everything was in black bin bags or brown small and large boxes which had been dumped anywhere there was room to place them until a home could be found for the items in the apartment at a later date when she had time to organise the place.

"Maybe after later in the week we could help you get this place together since I can still see about 16 pieces of furniture from IKEA that need putting together," Kim asked as she nudged Adam to help too.

"Yeah, I'll help too," Adam replied, while Jay nodded to offer his help too.

"Sorry guys I would help but I promised my sister to take her to the fair this week when i am free whenever that will be. But if you have anything that needs happening after I've done that I'm your man." Kevin said.

"Okay then, thanks guys, I guess cheesy pizzas and beers are on me then when you all come to help, if anyone wants beers cause I'm not having them again!" Erin laughed as she proposed dinner.

"Count me in for pizza as long as it's pepperoni and extra mozzarella for me please, " Jay countered.   
"Yeah, sure I'll get that, i think we all want extra mozzarella," Erin agreed enthusiastically, Erin searched with her eyes around the large apartment to see what she wanted to find, "Guys, Where's Upton, I just realised she isn't here, where is she?" Erin interrupted as she asked as her mind wondered where the other team members who had come out to celebrate or just to get drunk where she had been.

"She left early on she was complaining about the noise and that she didn't want to get that drunk, so I drunkenly called her an Uber, even drunk I'm useful, and she texted me later on last the night that she had made it home safe, maybe we should have told you and Kim that. Oops! " Adam spoke as he smirked at his remark at drunk Erin and Kim.

"Oh okay as long as she's okay," Kim interjected as the team grabbed plates of food and dived for seats on the couches because the chairs were still plastic wrapped and not put together yet.  
"Its a pretty big place, isn't it, I never knew you could get an apartment this big around here in Chicago," Adam questioned.

"Well, it is bigger than my last apartment, but I couldn't just get that back because I sold it years ago so I always looking for a new place when Hank proposed the idea to me, and this had just come on the market a couple of weeks before, and so here I am, this is mine, it's huge but its got a gorgeous view of the river at night, and it's not too bad for running on the riverwalk around here," Erin spoke as she shielded her eyes from the sunlight, as she took some aspirin from the kitchen cabinet.

…

As the six of them walked into the office, then didn't even proceed to turn on the harsh lights with the light from the numerous windows being enough light for the entire team to comprehend with their hangovers giving them banging headaches, and the adrenaline rush from Kevin's caffeine overload wasn't even taking the edge of his hangover anymore, while Hailey the least drunk out of the entire team was still slumped over her desk with her sunglasses on her lights and cradling her head between her arms on her desk.

Erin walked out of her office with a case in her hands, "We have a case, it's not a nice one, we have a sexual assault on a minor, he was 10 years old, and then he was brutally murdered through multiple stab wounds to his upper torso. The victim's name is Brandon Danvers." Erin expressed as she wrote on the board.

"So what do we know as of now," Jay asked.

"That the murderer left DNA under his fingernails and inside of the boy's anatomy, and that the boy put up a fight, as he had the blood type A Positive on his finger, which his is O Negative," Erin answered.

"So nailing this pervert will be easier, we just had to get a DNA match to the DNA under the kid's fingernails, which should be enough for warrants for any suspect we have to get DNA from them?" Adam asked.

"Theoretically yes, but with a case like this I don't want us getting cocky, we need to follow every avenue, and not just pin this all on the DNA evidence, the courts for a conviction are still going to want a motive and a murder weapon, just because we have a possible murderer DNA under his fingernails will be played with by the suspects lawyers so, leave no stone unturned, hopefully, we find a suspect and we sweep for DNA and in questioning, we get a motive otherwise this is going to be a very long case," Erin explained as now she was accountable for the solve rate of the intelligence unit and she had a reputation to uphold without being questionably corrupt like her father figure, and she wanted to prove to the commander that they had made the right choice od choosing her to be the intelligence, Sargent.

The DNA evidence from the morgue had been running through the CPD database of people with criminal records, no matches had presented themselves, and even a second run through the system with the looking for relatives of the suspect didn't present itself, meaning that this case was more unusual as the case of sexual abuse in a minor is normally a paedophile that has escalated to sexual abuse, but this was beginning to look more like it was a first time offender that had committed this criminal act to the child, and then to keep them quiet they had killed them so that they couldn't tell anyone what happened.

"We've got an update from the morgue and forensics." Kim ushered while they were congregated around the desks near the board.

"Go on," Erin answered.

"Well the morgue said that the big had extremely high amounts of coke on the boy's fingertips and on his skin, and forensics found the same high amount of traces of cocaine on the boy's clothes, so its most likely that the kid was mixed up in some sort of gang, and that they were using him as a drug runner, but we still don't know if the two are connected," Kim stated as they had finally caught a lead after a couple of hours trying to identify who took him, or what happened or where he had gone in Chicago before his death, as they were trying to build a timeline on the child's final hours.

…

"Right, everyone out of here, we've been working on this case for 3 days straight, it's 12am we can't be coming in for 8.30 with no sleeping, so that's an order. Some other time for putting my furniture together, look after yourselves, get some sleep and hopefully, we will have more leads tomorrow." Erin demanded of her team, she was becoming a grateful leader but she knew she needed to be stern some of the time for the sake of her unit.

The next morning, well 8 hours after leaving the office the entire was back to the drawing board trying to find more leads about the case, when they had caught a major lead on a white male called Davies Matherson who had been seen following the child in CCTV camera that they team had been looking at all the footage when they saw a shining silver item gleam on the CCTV footage from a block away from the hideout of the West Side Gangsters, the child seemed to have been abducted by Matherson in the later hours of the Friday, and later killed early on the Saturday morning and was discovered by passersby, on the Tuesday.

With a warrant for his arrest, the team geared up to arrest the man and question him in relation to the kid's sexual assault and subsequent death. The team had rolled out of the precinct and they had caught Matherson trying to burn his clothes and had hidden the silver knife that he had stabbed the victim with multiple times in the stomach under the elevated foundation of his house, Erin had taken swabs of the suspects DNA from the house, to compare to his saliva sample that they had a court mandate for which had already been fast-tracked to prove he was the murderer by the DNA evidence, but other than that the team had seemed to had figured this one out, and the prosecutor at the justice department was happy with the amount of substantial evidence to prosecute the man for his crime at a court trial, with evidence to the murder still within his property. Adam slammed the back car door and he locked the suspect inside the back of the car, and they bagged the rest of the evidence and made their way back to the station to get the man booked into the system and have him charged with the sexual assault and child murder of Brandon Danvers.


	5. Five

Five

Erin walked into her empty apartment, with the only furniture in the open plan living room unpacked was a side table, and that was only because it had been transported from New York in one piece. She dumped her apartment keys in her dish on the side table, and her gun and badge in the wall safe that had come with the apartment.

She huffed, and instantaneously dropped onto the couch with instant delight, it had been the old one that she and Jay had brought into her old apartment in Chicago, and she had ended up getting a matching one and cuddle chair for her bigger apartment in New York, the chair was still boxed in separate parts somewhere in the mass of boxes that were floor to ceiling in front of the non-lit fireplace. She looked at the clock on her phone, knowing that her kitchen clock was packed up somewhere, to show a late time of 8 pm, well it was late for Erin, she had been awake and in the office, since 5 am, she couldn't sleep, she just wanted to break the case, but now she had given to the justice department it was over, she could rest but she just didn't feel like resting.

So she lifted the boxes that were labelled to the best of Erin's ability that said 'Kitchen', Erin thought that it was an excellent start to finish off the kitchen before starting another room, and she wasn't going to tackle building the furniture herself, but she had found the living room table that she had been given as a leaving present from her old partner, they had had great taste in interior design, it was constructed in separate parts more Erin didn't mind putting that piece of furniture together that late had night because all she had to do was put the base on the floor and connect and tighten the single dual top side ended leg to the base and then screw the glass tops onto the legs metal plate.

She placed the smaller of the kitchen box on the newly put together coffee side table, that could change height when turned and ripped the cello tape off like it have zipped the flaps of the box shut, to reveal more plates, crockery and cutlery, and some champagne flutes that had been a birthday present after she has made second in command at the task force, and she proceeded to put the kitchen items away in the numerous cupboards she had in the kitchen. Erin heard a knock on the door and she went to open it when heard from behind the unopened door Kim saying that she had brought over sparkling water because they both couldn't handle drinking any alcohol after the night they had just got past. Erin opened the door, whilst Kim walked in Erin walked to the kitchen to grab the only clean glasses she could find, some gradient clear to rose gold champagne flutes.

"Hey, are we trying to make a small start on putting some of this away then?" Kim asked.

"Yeah, I thought I would start on the kitchen stuff first. It's the only room that is nearly done. I've just unpacked the stuff and put it away from the kitchen boxes but then I might start on the bathrooms." Erin answered.

Kim popped the bottle of summer fruits flavoured sparkling water and poured the fizzy liquid into the girly glasses whilst waiting for the bubbles to dissipate so that she could continue filling them, while at the same time Erin's phone began to ring violently, vibrating and sounding the largely annoying ringtone she didn't know how to change, she looked at the caller ID realising it was a phone call from her old partner, Callaghan, she picked up immediately, and she was on facetime with her old female partner, Grace Callaghan.

"Hey, Gracie, what have you been up to," Erin asked as she was happily surprised by the phone call from her former partner.

"Hey Linds, I just thought that now you were back in Chicago I could talk to ya for a catch-up," Grace said colloquially to her old female work partner.

"Hey, I want you to meet one of the team members who I worked with before, hey Kim, this is Gracie, Kim, Gracie, Gracie, Kim." Erin introduced the pair as she was excited to speak to her old partner.

"So what's it like being a sort of big shot now, the head of a department, whoa, girl power!" said the energetic much younger FBI agent asked.

Kim and Erin grabbed the ice cream from the freezer with two spoons and walked back to the soft cracking opening the tub of Ben and Jerry's ice cream, while they spoke for 3 hours about random girly things and eating figuratively gallons of ice cream, and the three had gotten on like a house on fire, they could just talk and talk for hours.

"You better be going it's midnight over there, I know you're only an hour ahead but I don't want one of my best friends getting hurt because she was speaking to me until the early hours in the morning, and then couldn't focus because she didn't get enough sleep," Erin suggested.

"Yes, Maam, you feel all high and mighty now you are Sargent?" Gracie questioned.

"Maybe!" Erin laughed.

"Anyway it was nice meeting you, well meeting on facetime, but nice to talk to you Gracie, I'm going to have to get going home," Kim said as she ushered her goodbyes to Gracie and Erin, while she grabbed her handbag and her keys from the dining table and hugged Erin goodbye and left the apartment while Erin walked her walk to her car from her apartment windows.

"I suppose I should go to sleep, so i'll talk to you some other time, maybe when we have a day off sometime I could call you again, and we can speak all day," Gracie said before the pair both said their goodbyes and turned the call off. Erin walked to put the ice cream tub in the bin and placed the spoons in the dishwasher, then turning off all the lights she walked to her bedroom for a well-deserved rest.

…

Erin walked into the office at 10 am, she knew she had overslept but she was the boss and she knew that she would get her alarm clock out so that she would never be late again, and so that she could be the first member of the team to be present in the office. They had no case on so Erin wasn't too mad at herself for being an hour or two late and she had been putting some of her apartment together the night before which she thought it would be months before she would have the apartment the way she wanted it, she remembered she had packed up her entire apartment in one day, the night she left, she had hired the movers and it was packed up in boxes and black bin liner bags just waiting to be loaded onto a truck and moved to New York, yet bringing all her belonging from New York back to Chicago and trying to put them in a rightful place felt like it would be never-ending.

She walked into her office to find a small heap of mail, she had realised that someone from the desk downstairs must have brought up and placed on her desk for her, She looked at the mail that had been addressed to her at the police station and the first one was in a black envelope, and gold wrote, which she knew what it meant, she had been invited to the annual police benefit maybe, were dancing and donating to police and the state, and other charities that were related to the police and speeches made by the commanders of Chicago police and select Sargent, she had gone when she had first joined as an officer and had gone as a plus one with Sergeant Hank Voight who had been like a loving doting father for the majority of her adult life, he had provided her with a family and a home, but also with a sense of purpose for her life and she was excited to be the one who would be the Sergeant at this one.

She dropped the rest of the letter she needed to open late and ripped open the golden wax seal to reveal an equally inviting invite to her, a plus one and her team, and a plus one for each of those too, she began to become excited, the last night she had gone it had been the greatest night of her police career and she remembered that Camile had helped her picked a dress for the occasion, and it made her remember fond memories of She walked out of her office to tell her team that the had all been invited to the Annual Police benefit which raised funds for the police and charities that were dedicated to police officers in the city of Chicago.

She walked out of her office and announced; "Hey Guys, I have some good news,"

"What is it Erin," Hailey commented.

"What good news?" Adam asked.

"Well all of us in the Intelligence Unit have all been invited to the Annual Police Benefit Gala to represent the 21st Precinct this year, so you boys better get some tuxedos and us ladies will have to find some dresses," Erin mentioned.

"Ooo I get to wear a tux, I might get a jazzy coloured one," Atwater remarked.

"Yeah, no it's a ba[lack tie event so no jazzy colours that are not suitable for a black event guys, we are representing this entire police station." Erin declared to the team.

"When is it, Erin?" Jay questioned.

"Erm, it says… it's on the 28th, so it's only a week away," Erin read.

The team broke into groups of the girls and the boys and they talked about the benefit and what they would wear to the event, the boys were discussing renting tuxedos that were black and white, but Adam called Antonio, who had RSVPed yes already as he had been given his invite separate as he was still on the transfer list back to Intelligence but he had to finish is his last case first with his old team first.

"We are going to have to find people to go with, I'm not turning up alone to this," Kim declared, "Hey Adam will you go with me?" Kim asked.

"Yeah, I suppose we could go together, I could drive you there and home again too if you would like," Ruzek answered.

"Hailey would you like to come with me," Kevin sort of nervously asked the blonde from across the open room.

"Yeah I could go with you, we can have fun all night, and have drinks too," Hailey answered.  
"There is alcohol but I would recommend having too much, there is a lot of police officer high in command which will be looking down at everyone for special considerations, plus other previous and retired members of the police are invited too," Erin suggested.

"Sure, minimal drinking, saves me waking up with a throbbing head the day after." Kevin acknowledged.

"I suppose that just leaves you and me then, would you like to go together," Jay suggested.

"Yeah, I would like that," Erin accepted "Well I mean now no one had to go alone, so we can all be saved from the embarrassment of that," She remarked as she directed her response to the entire team, as Jay just looked at her awkwardly.

The six of them broke apart, back into the groups of girls and boys, as they discussed what they would wear to the highly prestigious event that meant when they attended the annual police benefit gala in a week that they had to be on their own best behaviours as they were representing the entire 21st precinct, so it was a major responsibility for the six of them to hold on their shoulder. The guys talked about tuxedos and bow ties, while the woman discussed the colour of their possible formal dresses and the length of dress they were looking at online, Kim was thinking on a shorter knee-length dress, but Hailey and Erin both agreed that they wanted long dresses, that were either blue or white to go with the police colours. Kim searched online and saw the perfect that she wanted to wear, it was a long-sleeved silver skater dress and Hailey decided upon a white strapless pencil dress, which left Erin to decide but she was still undecided on her choice of dresses.

"Hey Erin, we could come by tonight or tomorrow to put your furniture if you would like, I know that we had offered to do it last week but at least we could tonight." Kevin offered.

"Yeah I suppose, it's only 3 in the afternoon, so I guess when we clock off we could all go to be an apartment, the beers and pizza are still on me." She agreed.

"I'm sorry guys, I can't help I have a date tonight, I don't know if I want to go, but one of my girlfriends set me up and I don't want her to look bad." Hailey concurred.

"It's fine, enjoy your date though, I hope you have fun," Erin exclaimed.

The plan had been agreed they would leave the office and follow Erin home and so they could help her put together the numerous items of furniture, including many amounts of bookcases, beds and cabinets, and Erin had agreed for their help that she was supplying the pizza from the greatest pizza takeaway on this side of Chicago and beers or any drinks they wanted for all the team, that were coming over to help her get her home sorted out.

She was so thankful to the team for offering to help with her apartment, she had made many attempted to get her home more habitable but with so many boxes of furniture to put together, the only things she had that were already useable was her bed, because it had been a divan bed base, so it was transported as it was and the sofas, dining table and a couple of the chairs. While she had put her coffee table together she had masses yet to do and the enumerable stacks of boxes that were in her living room were making it impossible to even see the fireplace that was in the corner of the multi-windowed apartment. She has thought that the first thing she was going to search for the many blinds that she had purchased when she bought the apartment and placed somewhere among the boxed furnishings so that when she walked to her kitchen in the morning she wouldn’t be flooded by the sunlight that encroached in on her apartment from the floor to ceiling windows and double balcony doors.


	6. Six

Six

A couple of hours had gone by and the team had agreed to help Erin put her apartment together, they hadn’t done it the earlier in the week like they were trying to do as they kind of promised Erin to help her put her place together but hadn’t been able because of a pressing case they had been working non stop on. But they had agreed to help her tonight, Hailey had got a date so she couldn’t make it but Kevin had brought his siblings over too because he had promised to look after, and so after a couple of hours he had decided that he had to take them home and after they had unpacked the majority of the living and bedroom items and put them away into the cabinets and furniture, that Adam and Jay had been building, he had thought it was best to keep them away from breakable furniture. They had gathered their own things and had decided to get going so the only ones remaining were just Erin, Jay, Kim and Adam. 

“Bye Guys,” Kevin expressed.

“Hey, thanks for your help, I appreciate it, thanks to all of you,” Erin thanked them as she gave him some cash. “Since you aren’t having pizza here, get some for all of you at home, and i'll see you Monday.” She explained as she gave him a hug and kissed him on the cheek as a thank you while they walked out of the more furnished apartment than what they had walked into.

The rest of the four left had been putting together a large amount of furniture at Erin’s all night, they had come over at 5 pm after an early finished at the precinct because they didn’t have a case yet, and Hailey had gone on a date, something she had been reluctant at first but before she left the precinct she seemed very excited. They had decided to take a break, with the majority of the main part of the apartment was now furnished and Erin decided to open the box of books out of the medium moving box, to start putting them into the many bookcases that had made the wall look like it was floor to ceiling in book shelving space. 

“How many books do you even have?” Adam questioned.

“Well, I don't know… there are at least two of those boxes full, but the rest of the shelves I use for photos and decorations.” Erin answered. “I’m getting hungry, what food do people want, do you all still want pizza or do you want something else, I have the cash in my purse for either.” Erin had asked.

“I want some pizza,” Kim exclaimed.

So after putting the majority of the furniture together, the four of them, Erin had sent Adam and Kim to get the beers and takeout while Jay had offered to put the last of the bookcases together for Erin, while she was putting together the guest bedroom, with the construction of the double bed.

With only two of them left together which had been Jay and Erin left in the mostly coming together apartment, Jay had thought it was a good time to finish his conversation that they had started the other day in the bar, also they were alone in her apartment so it wasn’t like anyone she didn’t want to hear when she told him whatever she would tell him would be heard by any prying ears as Adam and Kim had gone for the beers and famous Chicago pizza across the city, but the four didn’t care because it was the pizza you could get in all of Chicago, with extra mozzarella and pepperoni on their famous and glorious deep pan pizzas.

“We could finish talking about what we were talking about at the bar, I know this place is more private for whatever you were going to talk about,” Jay suggested.

“Erm, well they will be back sound, I promise I will talk to you about it soon,” Erin answered as they were the only ones left in her apartment after all the others had left to go to get takeout and get some beers with the cash that Erin had given them.

“If not now, when Erin, or are you never going to talk to me about whatever seemed to hurt you so bad that finches at my touch when you first returned,” Jay said as Erin’s face changes as she knew what he meant by the way she had flinched at his hug, “Yeah I noticed it, and I don’t know what happened to you but I just want whatever is going in that head of yours to tell me so that I can just do my job.” He asked

“Okay, okay, come here tomorrow and I will tell you everything you want to hear, okay.” Erin expressed.

“I hope so…” He spoke, he felt mean and awful for pressing at her, they weren’t together but they worked together, they couldn’t be in a room without snarled looks at one another with each of them not knowing what to say or do, so that they wouldn’t offend the other from what had happened in the past, but deep down he knew that something was truly right with Miss Erin Linsday, she had seemed distant for days, and he had a certain suspicious that it was because of him, so he pressed her on it, but he had got nowhere, but now he hoped that they could just clear the air or he didn’t know what he would do, but he vowed to himself he couldn’t continue to work like this pussyfooting around Erin because she was his boss and in the past, they had dated.

Erin thought about the words that she had used to tell her story about returning to Chicago, they spun around her head, ‘It just made it hurt more, and then the things happened in New York I couldn't face you, I couldn't do this then, I wasn't ready then, it was too painful to return then, so I just decide to forget it, forget us’, she wasn’t sure if she would ever be ready truly to tell him about what had happened between the time she was away, but from over 4 years ago she had learnt to deal and live with it, it haunted to her to this day, and the photos from then were packaged up in a box that she had first unpacked without anyone in the apartment, she had hidden it in her closet and then placed woolly jumpers on top so that no one would find it when they were helping her put together her apartment.

...

The morning had come and Jay had turned up on the Sunday morning with a couple of coffees and a muffin for Erin, to which he had already eat hi in the truck, walking up the stairs to Erin’s apartment he just wanted to get answers to what he had been thinking, the conversation had seemed to be off even for 4 years of seeing someone.

“Hey” Jay commented, standing at her front door at 11 in the morning, after the both of them had had a long night’s rest after constructing the furniture for her apartment the night before.

“Hey, Jay…” Erin stood there, “What am I doing, come in, come in” Erin spoke.

Walking in Erin shot straight to the kitchen asking if he wanted a cup of coffee, as she made herself a cup of coffee from her coffee machine that she had managed to find in the heaped boxes which had halved overnight from the furniture being put together by her friends earlier on.

“Can we talk now about what happened at the bar?” Jay patiently asked, as he stood at the breakfast bar waiting for some answers.

“I suppose,” Erin accepted, as she walked over to the couches in the middle of the room.

“Are you going to tell me about what happened in New York, that made you practically break down in tears?” Jay asked, as he came to join her on the couch, yet sat 3 feet apart with Erin being at the side nearest the kitchen and Jay nearest the guest bedroom.

“Erm…” Erin paused.

“Erin, I don’t know what you think I’m gonna do if you tell me why you got in that state, I’m not going to lash out or argue with anything you say, we haven’t been together in 4 years, that, this, between us, is dead, ended, gone, I just want to clear the air so that I work with my boss, my friend like before we started us dating.” He said, just wanting answers.

“Just give me a minute,” Erin said as she proceeded to take her oversized jumper off.

“Okay…” Jay spoke as he saw the glint of happiness in her eyes shockingly change instantly to a gleam of tears starting to show in her dazzling eyes.

“Well, I got to New York and I was stationed in the undercover unit at the field office. I got to my apartment and pretty much dumped my stuff, I went into my undercover assignment a day later so I was like a whirlwind at first, but then a couple of days before Al died I just finished my first undercover with the Bureau, and then I was needed to do another one on the day of Al’s funeral so I could come to say goodbye to him.” She said, taking a deep breath. 

“Yeah, Hank told me that you couldn’t attend that it was majorly important if not you would have attended the funeral.” Jay answered. “I know that he was like family to you and I'm sorry that you were there. You were missed by Al’a wife too, she had asked about you too, Hank told her that you were on an important undercover mission and you would have come if you could have.” Jay told her.

“That day was when things changed, it wasn’t the same after that day.” Erin spoke while she took a deep breath.

“We can take a break if all too much, I'm sorry I pushed you to tell me, it's your decision and I shouldn't have forced you to talk about it.” Jay pondered.

“It's fine, I need to tell someone, no I need to tell you, I want to tell you, it's just a lot the whole situation, it was a lot.” Erin told him, as Jay gave her a small smile as she started to tell the story that already had tears welling up her eyes. 

“I went undercover again, with my partner Callaghan, Grace Callaghan,I still speak with her, she calls me Linds and I would, I still do call her Gracie, it's different over at the FBI female and female partnerships are not that uncommon as opposed to the police here in Chicago.” Erin told her ex partner.

“I suppose they had different philosophies then between the two, maybe it just that people see it as more comforting as if we have to pat down suspects if they we are male and female it makes it less likely for sexual harassment lawsuits, i dont know… I should of interrupted.” Jay apologised. 

“Anyway back to being undercover for this assignment it was different, we weren’t prepared to deal with a situation like this, we were both undercover this time with this particular gang, group, whatever they defined as, we were both sent under as more or last the same cover, extremists that had set fire to a political rally car or some politica thing, but last time it was drugs but this time the suspects we were after were different, they were building bombs…” Erin spoke as she started to tear up. “People died Jay, we weren;t quick enough and innocent people died Jay.” The tear came rolling down her face.

“It’s okay you don’t have to tell me the rest Erin, I get it… cases get to us sometimes, and bad things happen, but you don't have to blame yourself for what other people do, you were undercover for a reason to catch them before even more were killed after that.” Jay injected into her explanation, or so he thought he understood her.

“It wasn’t the case that got to me, we haven't got enough evidence so we were still under and we had intell from high up in the group that there was going to be a bombing in Time Square, so me and Garcie were assisting to set it up, the bomb squad were on stand by if needed, the van was parked up, we had evacuated the people from the area, it was what happened during it. a bomb went off, I got hit by the blast,” Standing up she proceeded to stand in nothing but a balck strappy vest and leggings, where she started to roll down the majority of her leggings to reveal a large white jagged scar on the side of her thigh, it was noticeable but it was faint white colour to her peachy pale complexion, “Here, the scar on my thigh is because I… I was.”

“It's okay I sort of understand now,” Jay revealed that she had been in a ruff situation when a bomb went off.

“But you don’t get it, Jay,” Erin told him bluntly as she was trying to scream out the words that were being held inside her so confined into a locked cell in her head.

“Im here, you can talk to me about it, I was in the Army, remember i know what situations like that cause Erin it took me years to truly fully recover from what Ii saw, what I experienced out there.” Jay countered offering his help to her.

“That bomb wasn’t what hurt me so much, i have been hurt on the job before, I’m not the same anymore Jay, you don't get it, i don’t think that you could possibly ever get it Jay, I had my heart pulled apart and it took me years to piece it back together, to come back here made me use all the strength I have ever had” Erin speculated.

“Then tell me, Erin, tell me, what the hell happened. If it wasn’t a bomb going off and you getting hit by an exploding bomb, that practically terrorists were going to bomb Time Square with, then what happened to make you cry like you lost yourself forever!” Jay desperately exclaimed wanting to know the truth, he loved her, he wouldn’t admit it but he loved her so much maybe in a platonic way but seeing her so helpless with her emotions that he was truly wondered for her what had happened, with all the horrific ideas coming to his head he didn't think it would be what she said.

“...I was PREGNANT! ...”


	7. Seven

Seven

“...I was PREGNANT! …” She screamed.

....

“What?!” Jay sat there confused at her revelation to him, that when she was last in Chicago she had been pregnant, but not only that she had been pregnant with his child.

Silence had prevailed over the two of them, as Erin had told him screaming out her life's secret out to her old boyfriend, to the love of her life, she had longed to be with ‘one day’ but when they had their ‘one day’ it had never truly worked, while he sat stunned by the news and he was trying to comprehend I his mind what it meant for the words she had screamed with such effort at him. Seconds turned into minutes, while Jay was just sitting there thinking trying to comprehend, while a quarter of an hour passed when Jay just sat there trying to process the news that she had blurted out.

“It wasn’t from being hit by a bomb that changed me, Jay, it was us, because when I left I didn’t know I was pregnant…” Erin spoke, before she stood, rolled her top-down and grabbed her glass of wine from the kitchen and returned to her seat, calming her nerves for telling a story she had never told to anyone on the planet, it was a secret she wished she could have taken to the grave. Jay sat in shock at the old love of his life telling him that she was pregnant with his child, the day that she left, the day he last saw her, she was having their baby. 

“Are you going to speak… Jay?” Erin asked. 

“Yeah, yeah, just give me a minute,” Jay said as he stood up and walked over to the kitchen where Erin had left an opened bottle of wine and an extra glass out, he poured himself a glass, and proceeded to drink the alcohol straight down

He put the glass down, he rubbed his hands over his face while standing it the island in, hundreds of questions ran through his head, he couldn’t comprehend any of it, he wanted to run away and just breathe away from her for a moment. “Can I just get a minute to think?” Jay asked.

“Yeah, I’ll be on the balcony,” Erin answered, as she raised the blinds and unlocked the balcony doors to reveal her large wooden decked balcony with room for deck chairs and a table, with a baroque and minibar.

After 10 minutes had passed and Jay opened the door, and walked out towards Erin and sat down on the deck chair next to her. “Why isn’t there a baby now then, is that what happened, to change you, this… that baby? Did you...” Jay questioned, with a sort of frown on his face as he was still trying to comprehend that she had told him that when she left she was having his child, their child.

“I didn’t have an abortion if you were thinking that. I wouldn’t do that Jay, I would have told you.” Erin spoke as if she heard some sort of hatred in his voice about what happened, as she thought his distaste of asking whether he would even ask that question.

“No, I didn't think that I don't know what I think, you just told me that you were pregnant with our child. And even if you did that was your choice, I would have liked to have known if you had but it is your body.” Jay defended himself.

“Sorry…” She apologised as she walked back into her home and as he followed she locked the outdoor doors again, started to get down on the sofa again, now that Jay was ready to talk to her.

“I get why you got defensive, I should have just asked what I meant,” Jay spoke as he sat down on the opposite end of the couch to his past girlfriend.

“What did you mean?” Erin spoke, still defending herself from what she assumed Jay was going to say.

“Did you… was it…” Jay stumbled trying to ask but he couldn’t bring himself to ask.

“I had a miscarriage, there I said it…” Erin sputtered out of her mouth as she burst into tears while whimpering softly. 

Jay heard “I had a miscarriage...” From that moment his heart was breaking not so much for himself at that moment but the fact she had gone through this unimaginable pain alone, in a foreign place, and without the person, she should have had by her side, him. He just felt guilty for complaining that she left without a goodbye and never called after, but he thought why would she want to call, she had lost everything in her life, he job, her career in the police force, her relationship with him, and the final last straw between Chicago and New York, her baby, their baby.

“You were pregnant,” Jay asked a sort of question to her, that he had already known the answer to.

“Yes, I was,” Erin uttered with tears forming in her eyes rolling down her face like liquid silver dripping from her fiery eyes.

He whispered as she talked, explaining everything about her beginning in New York, “We could have had a baby.”

“Jay, don’t talk like that, please don’t” Erin begged as she was breaking down inside.

Jay grabbed Erin by the arms gently and pulled her toward him and gave her a quick hug, he consoled her, and he apologised for his choice of words, making it more difficult to tell him how it had happened, she realised when she was talking to Jay that she hadn’t moved past any of it, she had merely put it to the back of her head and tried to forget but in doing that she had too grieved over the future she was supposed to have, at that moment she should have been a mother with a 3 and half year old child, daughter or son, a mini her or a mini Jay, but she had just returned to work as if nothing had happened, and anyone had thought nothing had happened too because she never told anyone and the only person who did know was her partner, Gracie. She had thrown away everything to do with Jay, the baby and her past love life with him in Chicago except for one item that did remind her.

“Can I ask what happened?” Jay asked, trying to be as sensitive as he could.

“It wasn’t from the bomb blast, I got time off from the bureau because a shard of the bomb gashed a deep cut into the side of my thigh. So I couldn’t exactly go undercover on crutches so I was sidelined for a bit, I had to do physiotherapy because my doctor had told me that it would get me back on the job quickly so I complied but then I found out I was pregnant, it came up on my blood test results that my doctor did on a check-up, to check if I had an infection, I booked flights and a hotel,” As Erin continued tearing up as she was trying to explain in-depth she could only go too before mentally breaking down in front of him.

“It’s okay…” Jay said as he held her in his arms as she cried into his shoulder, he rubbed her back as she tried to continue talking, she tried multiple times before she gave up, sinking deeper into his arms and his body, where he just held her tight with no cries, no tears and no noise sounded for over 10 minutes they had just sat there until she had calmed in his arms, she still felt all of the pain she had felt the day it happened, almost 4 years ago to the date. She let every emotion in her body take over her and she released them all as she was telling her life back in New York, she grieved right there for the child that would never be, that child that she had longed to have when she found out that she was pregnant, the child she would treat and mother a million times better than, her mother had been to her, and a child how would know who their father was, she was determined to be a better mother, a better parent than what she had but she never got that chance and she grieved in Jay’s arms for the first real-time.

....

“I was going to come and tell you, Jay. I was going to come back to Chicago then but then a couple of days later before I was due to go on my flight, I collapsed in my apartment, and my partner had come to check on me, because of the bombing, she was worried about me, and I wasn’t in much because of the limited desk work and she had found me on the ground, I was bleeding. “She whimpered, as she drank the rest of the wine trying so hard to steady her nerves as she moved away from Jay, over inches apart, but more than a couple of minutes ago when he was holding her tight.

Jay’s mind raced as he heard the hurt from her voice propel in his ears and cries she had produced when at that moment she couldn’t about it because was broken to the point that she felt too much pain to carry on without crying, as the thought of a child that he could have had with her, they could of have had a family, they could have healed one another instead she went through the torture of the process of been given a child to have it taken away again. “I could have been a dad, You could have been a mum.” the thoughts ran wild in his head as the news was being processed by his brain.

“I’m so sorry Erin if I had known I would have jumped on the first plane out of here,” Jay told her, he thought of how they could have been complete, together, a baby and them together, even if they weren’t together as a couple he would have had his best friend in his life, and as the mother of his child, a child who was made out of love. He thought that if he hadn’t of been stubborn and told her about his past and Abby and all the stuff that had happened in his life that maybe they could have been together and maybe, just maybe they would have been a baby, now a child in his arms instead of the women he loved deep down in his heart still reeling from the loss.

“I lost our baby, Jay. I lost our baby” She cried, as she left the wine glass on the tabletop and dropped to the ground in a slump against the kitchen island, while she held her head in her hand between her knees as Jay shocked and confused, walked quickly towards her and he cradled her like she was a little girl just needing some comfort. She stopped crying slowly after she slumped to the ground with only a 

Jay was staring at her broken face, she had seemed so happy less than twenty minutes ago but now she seemed so broken that how could a person get past someone like that, she had conquered New York and her grief at the same time, but she was broken from the fact that she had a piece of her stolen away just as it was becoming something great, they both had but she had just kept him from the heartbreak of not knowing that she had been carrying his baby, their baby.

Erin had thought every day about the child she and Jay could have had together, she dreamed that she could have been finally happy and content with her life, it was something so pure and innocent inside of her that she could never forget, the first couple of days she had known, she would lay on the couch she owns, and rub and stroke her small tiny bump that she felt she could only see, it was always at the back of her mind yet on those hard days or coming home to an empty apartment she would feel lost, or when she saw Amanda Rollins, and her new baby daughter, she was heartbroken over what could have been, but she had never truly grieved. She could have been a mum, but she just thought that it was the universe punishing her for the life she had led, that she didn't deserve to have something so special and pure in her life.

The box on the countertop had just looked like one of the boxes the Erin had left to put the stuff inside away, but she had begun to stand again, she opened the box, it contained, a jagged metal shard that was curled out of shaped, made from thick silver shining steel, and underneath the obtrusive and created to be a demonic terrifying item, that had hit her in the bomb explosion that had cost her a large scar on her leg, and a black and white photo, Erin looked at the small photo, only it wasn’t a mere photo, it was her scan pictures. 

“I don’t know why I keep this piece of metal really, I think I might just keep it to remind me of what I’ve been through, of what could have been much worse, I don’t really know, I just kept it and I haven’t really ever thought to throw it away,” Erin explained.

“I keep a bullet from the Army that hit me in the shoulder, I keep it between it reminds me that I survived, I came home, and not everyone did, it's a reminder to me that I’m alive.” Jay reminded himself of his own story of being injured.

“That’s the scan photo, they said that they couldn’t tell what sex the baby was, and to be honest I don’t think I would of like to have known, it was hard enough without knowing if it was a boy or girl,” Erin spoke, as the tears had faded away as she tried to compose herself.

“I'm so sorry Erin, I wish I had stopped being an idiot and letting you go, I should have tried to find you in New York then you wouldn’t have had to do it alone, then you wouldn’t have had to relive it again, because I was badgered to tell me.” He uttered, after he picked up the ultrasound from her hand after she gestured to hold it, and he looked in awe and happiness but in bitter disappointment.

“I know this might be crossing a line, but did you ever…” Jay asked.

“Ever do drugs, that's what you're going to ask.” Erin interrupted.

“Well, yeah. Are you okay, like with drugs, because I know what you did last time you felt guilty and alone over something you couldn't have changed?” Jay questioned without wanting to bring up Nadia’s name, while he was still trying to be sensitive and loving as he asked her about her sobriety.

“I’m still clean, I never even thought about falling off the wagon,” Erin declared as she knew he thought about her addiction, she had combatted it and not even thought to turn to them.

“That’s amazing Erin, I bet Hank is proud of that,” Jay suggested.

“He doesn’t know, I never told him, I never even told him about the bombing, I knew he would just worry, and what happened to Justin, I didn’t want to worry him about what he couldn’t change, he would be scared that he was going lose me like he did Justin, and he had enough to worry about with his team here, never mind me in New York,” Erin answered.

“Oh okay, I suppose if that’s the way you wanted to deal with it, I suppose I understand why you didn't tell anyone” he accepted.

“Well I didn’t feel like calling Hank in the middle of the night to tell him and then tell him that I could have fallen off the wagon but I’m strong enough not to, he worried about me for those last years while I was in Chicago, he didn't need to know what something that he would have made himself come up here and take care of me, I needed to do it alone. It was the only way that coped.” Erin said.

The two of them sat on the couch, they had hugged for so long, he cradled her with his body, he sat in the corner of the brown sofa, and he laid down on the 2 or 3 seater couch with Erin laying down the crevice of where the cushions meet, he had right around the bottom of her back and his left hand cupping her cheek, while he wiped the tears that fell from her eyes, her arms were wrapped around the front and back of his body, her right hand on his chest and her left touching his right shoulder, then had hugged and laid like that for hours, they had eventually fallen to sleep just cuddling each other given one another comfort that only they could give each other, and when they woke it was dark outside, it was nighttime.

...

Erin walked into work as if it was a usual day, even though she had told Jay that she had miscarried their child, she hadn’t told him to leave it, but she had told him to leave her alone on the issue, and that she didn’t want to discuss it again, it was to in the past and she much preferred to leave it there, she had suffered and now she just wanted to live her life and forget about one of the most painful experiences in her life. She had grieved finally for the child that would never be, and finally, she really believed that she moved on with her life and be the person she knew she could be and have her family finally back after being gone for so long. She felt like she belonged again.

Yesterday had been one of the hardest days of her life, but she had finally grieved and let all of her emotions out about the past, and to tell her past love what had happened to her in New York, but she had told him and they had fallen to sleep together, and it felt like before, like how much they loved each other so much that they would have done anything for the only, she knew that she was only dreaming about what it was like really, she loved him and she always would, but she knew she would be deluded if she ever thought about the two of them being together again, it wouldn’t work, it would never happen. They would always just be the two lost lovers who were destined to be apart, and they would never get their ‘one day’ because they had moved pat being in love with one another, she knew that she would never be with him again, but the hope and desire would always be in her heart even if she wanted to rule with her head.

Everyone was happier now that Antonio was back, even on his first day back, he was gladly welcomed back to the team and he was now partnered with Burgess full time, he got the desk that was across from Kevin, and the team was more than pleased to hear that it was Antonio who was becoming the next full-time member of Intelligence, it was the old dream team back together again, he had announced it the night that they had finished the case about Brandon Danvers, the child who had been murdered. It had given the team something to be happy about after the morgue releasing the child’s dead body to his mother for burial, with the child’s funeral they all confirmed they were attending.


	8. Eight

Eight

Almost a week had gone by since the pair discussed in Erin’s apartment on that Sunday morning, they hadn’t mentioned it to anyone, what they had done or talked about and they were each going to keep it that way. They had been more friendly together and the whole team thought that they had finally buried the hatchet of each other's feelings and action that they had done before Erin had left, they were teaming up more often and sometimes when Hailey was unavailable they both joked around with each other while they were doing recon when Hailey and Adam were undercover between Erin wanted to make sure that if they were in danger that they would have three backup units if then needed it.

“Atwater and Burgess round the front, Antonio, I want you around the backside of the building if they try to make a quick escape, try to keep to the left side and Jay your in the truck with me, on the back right side of the building. ” Erin informed the team of their positions as they rang the sting with Hailey and Adam.

“Yes Boss,” Atwater said as Burgess nodded her head as she quietly remarked ‘Yes Sarg,”.

“Yep,” Antonio replied.

“Right lets something straight you don’t need to call me boss if you want its Sarg, Lindsay or Linds, no saying boss it makes me feel like I’m 60 and heading for retirement,” Erin asked of them.

“See you in the truck Linds,” Jay spoke.

The last case the team had dealt with was hard for the entire team, recently the child’s dead body was sent to his mother for burial or cremation, Erin had been the first one to inform the mother of the child that she sent her condolences and asked her for her permission to be at her son’s funeral, and shortly after the mother agreed to her attending and anyone else who wishes to attend her son’s send-off, the entire team including Antonio, who had just finished his notice and last case with his own old job, all confirmed they were attending the cremation of the boy’s life.

While in the undercover squad car Jay and Erin were radioing the other team to see how their position was when Jay cracked a joke on the radio which made the member of intelligence in three separate cars and the five team members cackled with hysterical laughter.

Erin laughed, “ha ha ha, I forgot you used to think you were funny,” She mocked.

“I am funny, and you don’t forget a thing, you have this Jedi mind trick that allows you to remember everything, that's someone I will always remember,” Jay snarled.

“Well I might have a Jedi mind trick, not that you're ever going to find out, “ She joked as she nudged his forearm with her elbow affectionately as she laughed with him as she gazed at his baby blues.

Jay turned his head towards Erin and looked soulfully into her eyes as they shared laughter together in the truck, their eyes connected as if no time was missing, and that longing for Mr and Mrs Right was there again. He had no self-control for her, after the night they had spent together in her apartment he wanted to tell her that he still loved her deep down in his heart it would never go away because he had always thought that if you are going to truly love someone and was going to ask them to marry you that a piece of your heart would always belong to them. Nothing had happened that night over than she had cried into his shoulder and they hugged all night on her couch and the morning after they had both acted like it didn’t happen, while each other craved to tell one another that they felt something that was more than friendship, but they had cooked some eggs and toast and drank a cup of coffee before heading their separate ways before their shifts started at the station an hour later. He didn’t reply with words he gave her a cheesy loving smile and looked back at the large building seeing if any suspects on drugs bust case would leave the warehouse.

He ignored the look that both of them had shown to one another because he thought in his mind that he had no affection for her anymore, they had shared the night in each other’s arms on her couch doing nothing more than consoling her over her loss, he realised in his mind that grieving for a child he didn't know about wasn’t as hard as he had thought, he lit a candle at a church and wished that peace would finally become the pair of them but he felt more grief over the guilt that Erin shared on her own because he wasn’t there when she needed him. After all, they were both too stubborn to sort thing out together at the time which lead them to spend an entire Sunday just discussing what had happened while time had passed.

“There, Antonio, you have one coming out of the left side.” Jay quickly radioed.

“I got him... “ Antonio radioed as he ran after the suspect.

“Good, take him straight to the station, I don’t want any of the others in there knowing where he might have gone, or get caught being seen in the back of your car.” Erin requested.

“Yes Sarg, will do, see you back at the station.” Dawson radioed back to his boss.

The rest of them came to a close eye on the building to make sure the undercover assignment that Hailey and Adam were involved in continue to run smoothly and without any trouble, so the two unmarked police cars stayed put to observe the pair to make sure they would be safe. in side the warehouse, where there only medium of communication was one way and through a wire that Hailey had tapped around her concealed inside her belt buckle, Erin had remembered earlier in the day the time that Al had used one which made her smile knowing that he would be happy with her methods to get convictions.

…

Dawson walked into the station with the suspect handcuffed, he stood in front of the front desk of the 21st, Desk Sargent Trudy Platt was one of the ones to congratulate him on his first arrest back in the intelligence unit, while she, not one to gossip when it came to Erin she ha a soft spot for Hank’s golden girl, and had adopted her graciously into the 21st’s family when she first came to the station as a patrol woman.

“Congrats on the first arrest back in Intelligence Dawson, I’ll get him processed,” Trudy spoke.

“Thanks, Platt,” Dawson thanked.

“So how are things up there from your perspective, Halstead and Erin and the past between the two,” Trudy asked.

“I don’t think I should be discussing this with you especially since she is my boss, now but between us two, they seem more than fine, they seemed to of us moved on and apart,” Dawson confessed.

The rest of the team walked up the station’s stairs as Dawson had finished processing the suspect, Carling Diaz. Erin let her arresting officer who had been Hailey, Burgess and Atwater to process the other suspects, Manny Mcdonald, Harvey Lee Chung and Joshua Smith, who had been part of a drug-smuggling ring in Chicago who had been paying college students to take them across state lines and border control from Mexico to Chicago.

Jay followed by Adam walked upstairs and buzzed themselves into the bullpen of the Intelligence unit, Erin walked straight into her office as her phone rang, and shut the door behind her, Jay had wondered whether it was important or was it just a personal call, he had remembered that her old partner had been called Gracie and they kept in touch but after the case, they had just closed, they had then to deal with was the annual police ball gala was coming soon, it was the next day, the pair hadn’t spoken much after their discussion in her apartment, but had been regretting whether or not going with Erin would be a mistake or not.

After completing his case notes on the case they were just about to close, Jay thought to himself whether or not to ask Erin Noticing that she had finished her numerous phone calls that she had been making and received in the last hours, now just typing up probably her case notes for the case to give the District Attorney, Jay knocked on her door. “Hey just a quick question, are we still going to this police gala together?” He questioned.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t we, we talked and cleared the air between us didn’t we?” Erin questioned nad answered together, she became more concerned that she had misread the situation between the two of them the last time they had spoken alone.

“No, no, we’re good, I just thought I’d check,” Jay told her a tad embarrassed at the situation he had put them in while stood peering around the door.

“Well good, I’ll see you there tomorrow then, I’m getting a cab, its booked so ill see you there at 7 then,” Erin stated.

“Okay, I’m taking my truck so no drinking, ill see you at 7 then,” Jay replied.

...

The stary night had become the annual police benefit gala quickly, a dashing young gentleman walked down an expansive staircase, the bannisters covered in blue and white ribbon with balloons at the top and bottom of the stairs with the police rest printed onto them. The gentleman had an attractive, well-proportioned, and imposing appearance in a tuxedo making him look as sophisticated as the literary character James Bond. In a black pristine cut suit, with sharp edges complemented the white tuxedo shirt which had been ironed perfectly and the bow tie was ever so slightly to the left, which meant to a certain individual in a cab halfway across town know that he was nervous because he would always check to make sure it would be perfectly centre when wearing a bow tie, which he didn’t do very often.

“Hello, Detective,” The Chief of the special victims unit of New York greeted him.

“Hi Sargent, I didn’t know you were invited to this, I thought you would have been in New York on a case.” He spoke stunned by the appearance of Olivia Benson who they had worked with on previous cases including when Nadia had been murdered by the serial killer Greg Yates some years ago.

“Well I got an Invite from your Sargent, Erin and I thought that I could come and support the Chicago Police on the benefit to help police officers,”

“Well I was in Chicago visiting some victims and witnesses in a case from a while ago, who we are asking to identify a suspect later on this week, and I had been talking to Lindsay and she told me to come. I thought why not which I why I don’t have the best dress on for a black-tie event.” Olivia Benson told him as she explained why she a New York police officer was at a Chicago Police benefit.

The youngest Sargent invited to attend the police gala walked graciously into the front of the venue, with a white clutch bag and her black and gold invitation in her hand. She wore rings on her right hand on her finger which was parallel to her finger for a wedding ring, two wishbone silver rings and a singular crystal oval ring placed between the two, which had been given to her by a special woman in her life when she was younger, they had been given as presents each year for her birthday, which had been something that she would have for the rest of her life to remind her that she was always loved.

“Well it has been nice seeing you, but I’m afraid that I’m Erin’s partner to this event and she is at the top of the stairs probably waiting for me to tell her that I’m down here,” Jay stated.

“Yes, I have been nice seeing you Sargent, hopefully, I’ll be seeing you soon tonight with Erin by your side later, Detective,” She replied as she walked away to converse with other people at the venue.

Jay stared at Erin walking down the enlarge staircase of glass stairs with her heel clicking against the toughen surface, she was starlit by the cinematic lights around the ballroom as she carefully walked down the glass staircase. He couldn’t take his eyes off her, it was the night of her high school reunion of over again for him because she wore this beautiful smile across her face that she didn’t realise that she was the most beautiful gorgeous and stunning woman in the entire room. Erin had walked in alone into the huge downstairs ballroom, white and blue led icicle lights hung from the ceiling, as the team had all imagined it looked almost like it was prom with the decorations around the indoor venue. Jay had been inside the venue for a couple of minutes before anyone from the team had arrived, they had decided to come separately because they lived on separate sides of the venue, it was easier, Erin had got a cab especially not wanting to drive in the dress she was in and Jay had brought his truck to the black-tie event knowing that he wouldn’t be drinking.

She noticed him across the room, looking at his baby blues across the forty-metre gap between the pair of them she couldn’t recognise those eyes anyway where her eyes could take her, his hair gelled and styled and he looked as handsome as he did when she had first met him, she knew the minute that when Hank had allowed his entrance into the team that he would be trouble. He was more trouble to the rest of the team which he had first started with because he and Dawson would have pranks between the pair but they always kept it professional around Voight so they wouldn’t get an angry Sargent yelling at them. She knew from that moment was the moment that she fell in love with him and their philosophy of a ‘one day’ had begun, they would make each other laugh and prank each other when they were partnered up until they became official partner from Voight on all cases they were paired up.

He was still gazing from across the room at her while she was speaking to her senior ranking officers in a group, while she had a glass of red wine in her hand that a 50-year-old higher official had bought her at the bar. He was jealous that he was speaking to her and not him but she couldn’t trust himself around her, she was like his kryptonite because he was weak at the knees around her dazzling smile and perfect body.

“Wow,”


	9. Nine

Nine

"Wow," Jay whispered when he thought he was talking to himself.

"I heard that Halstead," The older gentleman spoke as he appeared behind the younger detective.

"Heard what I didn't say anything," He tried to ignore what words had come out of his mouth about his last serious lover.

"How about the way you just said ''wow'?" Hank questioned the true intentions of Jay's words about Erin and the way that she looked.

"Well she looks good" He professed.

"Even if you don't admit what you mean, You still love her, I know it and so do you," Hank stated.

"No, we both just decided that we're just friends," Jay admitted.

"Okay, I'll see you later I have to go give some goddamn small talk to some other retired detectives, and I'll come to see Erin later." Hank declared.

Erin walked down the white carpet in a pair of glittery silver high heels that made her just about as tall as Jay and Adam, which meant that she didn't feel so small when they tried to tower over her with their height. She walked over to Jay, he had joined her at a standing bar table, they had paired to be each other's plus one, even though they had both been invited from the 21st, it seemed better to turn up with someone rather than alone. The team had decided to go with each other, Erin had decided to pair with Jay because he was the last person to be chosen, Antonio had been the only one to actually bring a plus one, Adam came with Kim, and Hailey had gone with Kevin.

"Hey…" Jay said as he looked at how stunning Erin looked.

"Hi... this isn't awkward is it, I can always just find someone else to pair with?" Erin asked.

"No, no, it's fine, more than fine, you look amazing," Jay commented while admiring her appearance.

Erin walked to the photoshoot area, to have her photo taken for the night, Jay had joined her, linking arms as they stood for their photo to be taken. She wore a thin-strapped deep v neck royal blue dress which was a maxi dress with a big 'A' style slit in her dress up to her right thigh. The dress had a train on the back, just big enough to drag on the carpet on the photo booth, but not too long to trip over. She felt on top of the world for a bit, everything seemed to be perfect for a bit, she had one of her good friends on her arm and had no more secrets to tell, New York had been tough, but she was tougher than what had been thrown at her, she had been in a bombing, she had lost a baby, but she was still here, it hadn't changed who she was and her addiction hadn't returned, she was more than 5 years clean. Erin got some stares from the room of police officials and officers, she had her a small part of her cleavage, but the majority was just her skin from her chest, she was a little self-conscious of herself, but when Hank showed up, she changed, someone for Erin was that Hank could put her at ease at anything, he would almost like her calming tool, she would see him and she would be calm and collected.

The dress she was wearing was gorgeous like a waterfall of royal blue fabric stitched in different places, the A-line slit added a small train onto the dress, her heels cast glitter sparking across the room, her chest area was exposed and a white gold necklace hung on her fair chest. The diamond pendant sat tugged into place with a white gold cage around the sides of the circular cut 4ct diamond, she held it and instinctively touched the necklace as she walked down the stairs. Jay had known that it had been an instinctive touch for her as she always touched a bracelet, ring or necklace when she was nervous. When she was on the job she would always rub her thumb across the length of her torch, she had carved her name into the light so that in the gear room she knew where her torch was after the debacle of '11 when someone had taken her torch from the gear room, they had laughed about that for months in the office upstairs at the 21st precinct, with Hank, Al, Antonio, Jay and Julie.

"Hi kid, you look beautiful," Hank said as he hugged his foster daughter, while he congratulated her on solving her first case as Sargent.

"You don't look too bad yourself," Erin mentioned.

She was nervous that she was in a dress that people didn't like because it was too revealing but she didn't care she just was happy with the dress that she had got, it had been the same colour as the dress she had first worn to the police benefit, and her hair was straightened, showing its impressive length as it was gelled behind her ears and pinned back so that it wouldn't come in front of her face when she was dancing.

Jay had on a black formal tux on with its white shirt on, he was looking rather smart and many of the single ladies in the room were looking his way at one point or another during the night wishing to get a dance in with the handsome detective from intelligence, but Jay had only had company for three women that night, he had promised Hailey and Kim to dance with them all night so that they didn't have to be alone, but he had also thought that paid up with Erin to attend the benefit, but with everything then had talked about in the last couple of days, he felt that he had got his friend back who he could talk to her about anything but he thought dancing with Erin would be awkward but it was more awkward not to dance with her, everyone would have expected anyway, you don't come with someone to a black tie event and not dancing with them, and it wasn't as if he was being romantic when he asked her to dance, he was just being a good friend, being civil and courteous to her.

With the request for songs allowed by the DJ, majority of the crowd from the gala had gone up the DJ stand and had requested a song, including Erin she had requested 'Celebration' and 'Walking on Sunshine, but Jay had gone more conservative with his choices are the Captains, Lieutenants, and Chief of police were all present in the ballroom with no swearing so that he would appear as the decorated detective he was 'We are Family' and then he had chosen to leave the requests alone to everyone else to choose a song. Jay stood with Erin who had just returned to the bar table with her drink, non-alcohol as she had promised herself not to wake up in the morning with a hangover, while Burgess and Ruzek had walked over hand in hadn't to the DJ stand to request a song, 'No Secrets' by The Shires.

"May I have this dance with you?" Jay asked with sincerity as he looked in awe of her.

Yeah, we fight when we're tired

Baby, you and I

We ain't perfect

We work at it, day and night

It can hurt, but it works

Baby, you and I

"Yeah, sure." Erin sort of giggled as she accepted his request to dance with her after he had danced with Kim and Hailey most of the night.

"Well come with me then," Jay spoke as he gently held her hand as they stepped onto the dancefloor.

Who you're with

And where you've been

That's not us

Never has been

We've got no secrets, no

"Thank you for asking me to dance," Erin uttered.

You can tell me anything

No judgement

Just listening

Got no secrets, no

"I saw Hank earlier, he looks good, to say that he is now a retired police officer." He laughed. "He mentioned that you had come to one of these before, it must feel weird being here again after so many years." Jay queried.

You can put your hand on my heart

I swear to you honestly

Nothing but the truth

Is all that you'll get from me

"I remember the first time I came to his gala, oh it was well over 8 or 9 years ago, it could be 10 years by now I can't remember the year I came, but I remember that Hank and Camile came as well, she had bought me a dress so that I could attend, I was so nervous. I was an officer at the time, I wore this gorgeous dress and this bracelet that I got for Christmas from Hank and Camile one year. I still have it too," Erin reminisced.

"That's a sweet story, Erin, I know that Camile meant a lot to you, you always talk about her so fondly." Jay vocalised.

"Yeah I do talk about her fondly, she was the only mother that loved me, Bunny didn't care, I was just her get out of jail free card, this necklace I have on, Camile had left it to me in her will, I hadn't expected to get anything I never called her mum, but she treated me as my mum, she loved me that my own mother and she still loved me after she had gone, when she left this necklace for me, she left me a note too, wishing that the bracelet she had given me that if I had a child I would give it them, so they would know what unconditional was too." Erin grabbed the necklace rubbing the pendant as Jay held her by the hips and she held him from his shoulder she became sentimental about her necklace.

Yeah, we fight when we're tired

Baby, you and I

We ain't perfect

We work at it, day and night

It can hurt, but it works

Baby, you and I

We never lie

"I'm sorry that you lost her, I wish my mum was still here too, whether she was your biological mother or not, she was your mum, and Bunny shouldn't have treated you the way she did, you deserve better," Jay apologised for her past life with her adopted mother and the troubles with her biological mother.

Our only secret

Is we got no secrets

"It's not your fault, and anyway I grieved for her and lost her years ago, anyway how are doing, I spoke with Natalie a while ago she said that your dad had died," Erin questioned as they slow danced across the ballroom as they other people with dance partners moved in a waltzed fashion around the huge room, many of them being officers and detectives and only a handful of captains and lieutenants.

"It's fine me and my dad didn't really get along the best anyway," Jay countered knowing that she was only asking out of concern for a friend.

So tiptoe 'round the conversation

That's not us

We just say it

You make it easy

Easy to say the hardest words

As they danced they began to look around the room, they both looked at the people in their team Hailey danced with Kevin with Champagne from the waiter in their hands, they were joking about something because they were laughing and had huge smiles on their faces. Kim and Adam were looking back at them as they were dancing, and they looked like they had been up to something. Then they had known that it was Kim and Adam that played the song to see if they would get a reaction out of the pair who looked at each other aimlessly.

You can put your hand on my heart

I swear to you honestly

Nothing but the truth

Is all that you're ever gonna get from me

"Maybe the song is playing has a point, Jay, we aren't perfect, we aren't together but as friends, if we don't lie to one another maybe we could be good friends like we were before we even said about a 'one day'" Erin questioned her ex-partner.

"Yeah, we have done it before, and we can do it again, don't know you think that maybe someone out the DJ up to playing this song, like maybe Adam and Kim who look thick as thieves dancing over there," Jay replied questioning his friends possible intent.

Yeah, we fight when we're tired

Baby, you and I

We ain't perfect

We work at it, day and night

It can hurt, but it works

Baby, you and I

We never lie

"They are only trying to get us back together, god knows why, I thought they had their own love life to focus one, and we both know that we're just friends, that's how we work, it's great like this isn't it?" Erin chatted, as her head rested on his shoulder, as the song slowed. They danced like it was the first time, but the first time had been when Jay had moved into the flat, she had some of the records that Justin had given her as a present for her birthday, he had come in with his bags, she was boogieing slowly to 'Ain't no Mountain High Enough', she was washing the dishes, he had pulled her away from the soap suds and pulled her into him with, they danced tiptoeing as they moved around the kitchen.

Our only secret

Is we got no secrets

"Maybe we should listen to what those two are trying to suggest, maybe we need to have no more secrets because secrets got us into what happened before," Erin suggested as she looked at Jay now just inches taller than her because of her block silver crystal shining heels.

'Cause we got no secrets

"No more secrets now, we both know the truth about what happened in the last 4 years of each other's lives, no more telling each other huge secrets that seem to destroy us. Now the air is clear we can just be friends like we were before," Jay replied.

Our only secret

Is we got no secrets

"Deal, no more secrets, just," Erin picked up their order drinks of two oranges juices in their respective champagne flutes from a waiter walking past them, and passed the second one to Jay, "here's to being good friends again." Erin toasted.

"Good Friends," Jay uttered as they toasted together on just being friends.

Good Friends, " Erin muttered as she kissed him on the cheek before she began to flush from the embarrassment of what she thought she was going to cause, however Jay just whisked her around spinning her three hundred snd sixty degrees before they hugged and walked back to the team's bar table.


	10. Ten

Ten

As the night was coming to a close, the pair of them had finished dancing together for the fifth or sixth time that night. They had walked over to the rest of the team as the DJ had announced the last song, Erin hugged Kim as she smiled they were close friends and they knew she iced the further away from the venue and the precinct so she was always the one who would leave early compared to everyone. Then she hugged Kevin, Antonio, and Adam, she joked with Hailey and Jay hugged Hailey and Kim before given the men from the intelligence unit a pat on the back, and he wished them a safe journey home, like Erin and the rest of the team had wished to each and every one of them a safe and well journey to their homes.

The two of them walked up the giant glass stairs before they hugged each other as they were leaving the venue. Jay offered to take Erin home before, earlier in the week, he was still unsure whether he was but he walked out with her to the back exit when the car park was, and taxi rank, if she was getting a yellow taxi, was placed out of the huge glamorous venue. They both turned their heads at the same time each of them knocking each other's noses into one another, they stood staring into one another gleaming eyes. He bent down, his lips against her lip, at first they were only brushing light. His touch on her shoulder sent a shiver through her body and to her spine before their lips had even touched she had trembled at his touch. The singular touch sent shivers through her nerves, shivers that made her whole body tremble against his body as they stood leaning against his truck.

'If you want me to stop, tell me now,' he whispered in her ear.

"Don't stop," she whispered softly in his ear.

There wasn't a moment of realisation. He held his hands parallel on either side at her neck. His mouth was on mine, and I stopped breathing. He shuddered and there was a sound from the back of his throat, he softly growled into her mouth as he kissed her passionately, and she purringly moaned into his mouth. Little shivers of pleasure shot through him as he deepened the kiss, parting her lips. They had both stopped thinking, they were thinking of anything except the pleasure incurring in each other mouths, she dug her fingers into his hair, soft silky and gelled to perfection, she roughened the sharp clean edges of his hair to a scruffier boyish look. The spark between them was alive like never before, they were everything to one another but something didn't feel perfect, their hearts swelled with love to the point of near bursting. The rush of sensations crawling across their bodies was maddening, exciting. Scary. Thrilling.

His hands were on her hips, and he lifted me up as if I were made of air. My leg wrapped around his waist, while she stood with her other leg, with the dress she was wearing hung around his waist as her right leg clung to his body as if it was her oxygen. They couldn't get enough of each other, they have begun to devour one another, drowning in each other in kissing of passion between former lovers and partners. Lowering his hands to hold her hips, she tugged at his shirt as she placed her hand on his chest and neck. Even in her heels, she was still shorter than him, but he had been up at an advantage when she was kissing his lips. His skin against her skin, as he kissed her left shoulder.

They had been tension between the two of them for months, they had slept together cuddling all night, it seemed inevitable that it had been building up to this for months, they both wanted more, they wanted each other, but they were hesitating, they didn't know if it was what they should be doing. Their hips moulded together when they slid against one another against the truck he owned. She whispered his name in his ear, then his arms tightened around her, crushing her against his chest and his hands slipped behind her back.

Their lips remained sealed. She let go of his waist with her leg so she was standing on her own two feet again, she looked at him as he looked at her. Jolted. Jarred. They had entered the unknown yet they were feeling guilty and awful for kissing one another so passionately.

"What was… what did we just do?" She questioned.

"Erm…" He stammered.

"We can't do what we just did again?…" Asking for recognition of her feelings she struggled with what she thought what they should do next.

"No, we shouldn't, were friends, that's all, nothing else…" Jay appealed.

"It's not worth it, were good friends that it, that all, so we agree to nerve mention this again,"

"Agreed," Jay accepted willingly, after feeling like he had caused them to violate their old found friendship.

Hailey walked out of the venue with Kevin on her arm, as the two of them were a little drunk they waved goodbye, together smiling as they talked for a little while before they had gone. They had acted like nothing had happened as they had agreed too, they stood there together for a couple of seconds, the two of them felt paralysed, lost in thought, running crazy thoughts in their heads and then they began to talk like nothing had happened, and they were just really good friends again.

"I could take you home, it's getting late and you know what it's like waiting for a taxi at 10 at night is like," Jay offered, and then forgot what had just happened as if it was a dream.

"Thanks… yeah that's a lovely offer thanks, Jay," Erin accepted the offer that her ex-partner had offered, and she had forgotten too, they both acted as nothing had happened between them and that was the way it would stay.

They walked towards his truck, as he walked toward the passenger door to open it for Erin as the true gentleman he was. She began to ask a simple question from her friend, that would make them both reminisce of the past times that they had together, that she was always this boss really, she was the boss of the two of them before she was promoted to his boss as Sergeant of the unit that she had served before him.

"I could drive, like old times?" Erin asked, standing in her royal blue gown.

"I suppose you could, you always were a bossy partner," Jay joked.

"Okay then give me the keys, how about some cookie dough before we give it a night, and go our own ways," Erin smirked.

"Oh, it's on, your buying then." Jay mocked her as he threw her the keys to his truck.

She caught the keys and they got into the truck, Jay had bought it brand new a couple of years ago after he had saved up for his dream truck for a while. They sat in silence for a while in the car before they had put the radio on for the late-night music and the radio chat shows that sparked many laughs and jokes.

It was a longish drive to the cookie place, but it was worth it, they had sat in the car park with a tub of cookie dough each, joking and laughing, chatting and catching up about the gossip in the office, they had sat there for half an hour, Erin still in the driver's seat, while they finished their dessert, when Erin started the engine in the pouring rain, reversing out of the car park space so that she could drive them onto the interstate so that she could drive to her apartment, and then Jay would drive himself back home to his apartment from the other side of the 10 block area of Chicago.

...

Rain lashed against the windshield of Jay's black truck that he had let Erin drive to get some cookie dough from their favourite shop in Chicago after they picked up a tub of the delicious dessert, they had decided to drive back to Erin's before Jay would drive himself home, as she drove down a deserted, six-lane highway, going a little under the speed limit, doing 50mph in a 60mph zone in the middle of Chicago. Her wheels slipped a little on the wet slippery highway, but she kept the car steady, knowing that she could drive in any weather from a hailstone, snowing blizzard weather to sun shining summer weather. Erin looked through the windshield trying to see what was ahead of her; it was pitch black outside, with the night sky filled with heavenly stars, and only the moon's faint light and the small square orange lights lining the roads to see by each of the lanes on the interstate.

After silence since they had left the cookie shop, the two had listened to the radio, techno, pop, and rap for the hour they had been in the truck the weather didn't seem like it was going to stop anytime soon, and it was lashing against every piece of metal and plastic of the vehicle's frame, making tinning sounds as the rain hit furiously.

"I guess that there's going to be some flooding in the morning, with this much rain pouring down," Jay cut the silence after they listened to the CD he had put on instead of listening to tens of adverts on the radio.

"Yeah, it was forecasted so I think the station put sandbags in front of the garage opening downstairs in case any water wants to enter the gear room and the cage," Erin commented.

The windshield wipers ferociously whipped back and forth over the windshield, attempting to clear away the large droplets clinging to the glass that partially obstructed her field of vision, until the rain started to disperse as it calmed down and the rain clouds moved away from the direction they were travelling to come back home.

"Well at least we will be out of this weather soon. I can't believe how much it is raining," Jay commented.

"That's Chicago for you, its either snowing or raining and anyway were in a truck we'll be fine, it just a lot of rain, I'm coming off the interstate now so we'll be at my apartment in about 10 minutes," Erin remarked thinking of how they use to drive in blizzards when they had to solve cases, she remembered that one time they had gone to a murder scene and they were committed to having to stand around in a blizzard under a tent so they could get crime scene photos because of the weather being torrential.

"Yeah, then I'll drive home, it's getting late now, Jesus it's half eleven, Platt told me to come in for 7 I need to get recertified for my gun again," Jay mentioned.

"I need to do that too, I got an email from he chief saying he wanted me recertified now that I'm in Chicago so they have the paperwork," She sighed as she turned the steering wheel to the exit lane off the interstate a couple of minutes away from her home, "Anyway dancing all night and talking to chiefs and captains all night has made me tired, as soon as I get in, I'm going straight to my bed," Erin muttered.

"I don't blame you that is what I will be doing, straight to bed, put an alarm for early in the morning, I'd like to get some practice in before the guy who is going to recertify me is there," Jay

"Always over prepared Jay, I don't think you need any practice now, you have been firing that old '33 handgun since you started intelligence, I think you know how to get a high score on the practice sheet by now," Erin remarked.

"Well I like practising, it's better to be over-prepared than underprepared," Jay issued.

"Okay, okay, anyway did you enjoy the gala, it was what I remember last time?" Erin questioned.

"It was good, fun even when you avoid people you don't know, orange juice all night and trying to avoid anyone who wasn't from the 21st, so at least I won't wake up with a hangover in the morning before I have to shoot a perfect 100 on shooting practice, something you have never done, ever," He remarked, "I need to beat the boss anyway, need to look good at my job," He laughed as he joked with her.

"Yes, you do, because remember the boss has always beaten you, a near-perfect 100 one year, I got 99, not bad though, but I always get around 94, so that's the score to beat," Erin disclosed.

"Okay, okay you're the better aim, I got 93 last year, and 97 the year before, but put a long-range rifle in those hands of those and I bet you would miss the target, more to shooting a rifle than a handgun," Jay mocked.

After coming off the interstate they slowed as she braked while coming to the end of the exit slip lane, for the district that they lived in, as they entered the other side of Chicago, they slowed again as they changed speed zones in the zone they were in. Seeing the traffic lights turned green from about a couple of hundred yards away, Erin stuck to the speed limit when they entered the intersection and two blinding lights suddenly blazed ahead like two shining eyes trying to pierce the impenetrable darkness of the inside of the truck – and with a jolt, the pair of them realized that those lights belonged to a huge semi-truck – a truck that was speeding towards her from the opposite direction but into the side of her lane.


	11. Eleven

Eleven

As the semi-automatic coming from in the middle of the intersection came from the lane where the traffic light was red, it had come from the opposite side of the interstate and coming into the intersection crashing side-on into the truck that Erin fought for control over with, the oversized American truck spun out of control, the semi t-boned the entire length of the truck sending it to spiral.

The sound of the semi truck's screeching brakes and weaving tires skidding on the wet tarmac shattered the profound silence that had filled the night. Suddenly, as her car spun out of control towards the oncoming cars, images flashed across Erin and Jay's minds - images of their family and friends from Chicago and everywhere else flashed in their minds. After the colossal blow hit the car, and it seemed like an immense weight was thrown on Erin first; then Jay was thrown sideways and shunted back towards the passenger door, the last thing she saw was a waterfall of glass cascading down on her before everything went black, and the immense force had been lifted off her as she seemed to float away into complete and utter darkness after the side impact with the heavy immense semi had hit her side of the smaller truck.

She had become disorientated before she had sustained a mild concussion to her poor sweet head that had her drifting in and out of her own consciousness she looked to her side to see Jay holding onto the truck door and the roof handle. She was fleetingly aware of the bloody taste in her mouth and the liquid rolling down her face, that mildly tickled her skin after her head had struck the glass window before the side airbag deployed earlier. They continue to spin from the lane of traffic they were into oncoming traffic. After being t-boned it forced the truck to bolt from the lane they were in until they began to spin into the intersection with broken mirrors, glasses and the axle of the vehicle threw across the road as it tore itself apart.

Erin tried to steer the car out of the incoming traffic but realising the steering was broken, they were hit at the front by a smaller car, which spun them around to hit a series of bollards which forced them to roll over in a series of turns. Meanwhile, Jay clung to the rood handle as he braced for the next impact from the car they had just hit, willing and wishing for this to over, glass from the windshield shattered and graced them with glass rain over them as they rolled over again. He curled his body away from the engine as he yelled at Erin to cover her head, as she sat motionless while being thrown around the cockpit of the front of the truck with her legs hitting the steering column and her arms bouncing from the airbags and the steering wheel.

As she became filled with motion in her limbs again she clenched her body again as she gasped for air and at anything, she could hold to brace herself. Erin and Jay were upside down when the truck continued rolling again and again then they were upright again until they upside down on the roof of the truck, where they had been overturned, jammed and pushed into parts of the car with their bodies mashed into the metal and plastic.

He reached for Erin's hand and the tears started to pour from her terrified face, and he looked scared and petrified at this fate as his face turned towards her, it wasn't like a simple bump in a car, they had toppled from side to roof to side to upright again, twice over, three times, and they had lost count the number of times. His hand grabbed at her arm as the instinct to protect them both, he pulled them to the centre of the car with the gear stick crushing underneath the two of them. One of Erin's hands clung to the steering wheel and the other clung to Jay's hand, until her head hit hard against the edge of the wheel, cracking a cut on her forehead open, pouring out blood until the lights she could see in her eyes went out. She was unconscious and it was all gone, the pain began to enrage inside her body, she would flutter her eyes and she could feel the pain everywhere in her body hurting until she couldn't tell what was injured.

The rest was a blur, in Erin's mind, it was filled in the blanks with the truth of what had happened. They finished rolling over and spinning across the enormous intersection in Chicago when they finally landed on the truck's roof. Coming to a profound silent stop after finally hitting the barriers, they both lay their one unconscious and the other barely lucid.

She was barely alive, her eyes were drifting in and out of consciousness, but she was living but barely breathing. He was alive but barely awake.

As he woke from his dazed dizzy feeling after the truck stopped dead, Jay's eyes took in the walls of old Chicago buildings and storefronts on either side. He was barely touched by injuries that he could feel immediately but he knew he wasn't unscathed his brother was an ER doctor. He had remembered from the tours he had served that adrenaline is a major matter when in a crash because when it wears off from the body, the body starts to feel all the pain in the body, so he knew that just because he didn't feel any pain now didn't mean that he wouldn't feel pain soon.

"Erin, Erin, wake up, come on Erin I need you to wake up."

Her soft warm hitched breaths hurled into the icy cold air spiralling as it drifted the warmth away from her dying body. Her head laid against the seat belt adjuster, with the rich liquid inking her brunette hairs, painting a trail of scarlet droplets on her face from a slashed cut on her pretty face. Her skin was in its purest form like Eve had given it to her, pale and porcelain, yet damaged, unperfect, and broken.

A weight lifted her soul and body entwined as she woke lying in a bright white mist, it had been something she had never experienced before, she felt like she was dreaming, yet she could feel something, someone pulling her towards the bright intense light round her.

Surrounding her was a cloudy vapour; clouds of white drifting into the oblivion. She gathered her royal blue dress, as she stood up, looking like she had just finished getting ready for the police gala hours before, she appeared perfect, in her purest form she had ever existed in. The floor on which she had laid on was pearled white, neither warm nor cold, neither inviting nor distressing yet simply there, flat, blank and marbled.

Effortlessly her dress and body moved through the still composed air, she walked towards the marble ground, no walls were in her surrounding, like she stood on a platform shielded by clouds from the weather, yet a belting white light shone directly in front of her, wear a shadow began to form in the distance, a slim figure, with

Erin thought of the last time she had seen her, a decade, over a decade, since the last time she had said 'hello' ; since she said 'goodbye'. A whole decade since she had even seen her face, her beautiful motherly face. She knew something was wrong inside her, inside her body, but seeing her mother figure caused her to cry softly with tears rolling silently down her cheek saturating the top of her strapless dress.

"You look beautiful my darling," Said a loving voice stood far away from her as if she had been another world away.

"Camille?" Erin asked.

"Yes my darling," She smiled

"Is this real?" She had questioned, trying to remember her life, her memories, trying to remember a place that she had never been to before.

"It's as real as you want it to be Erin," Camille whispered, as she held her pale white hand.

"I must be dreaming, because you died, you are the only person I never loved unconditionally and you died, you had cancer,"

"Yet I'm here with you. You wear the necklace I left to you, I am always close to you. But we can stay like this forever if you would like,"

"I can't, I love you but I can't, what about them. I'm not ready to leave them yet," she whispered.

"I know Er, but we're never ready to leave the ones we love, I thought I would have decade with you, with Hank, with Justin, but I had to leave, I was taken before I was ready, but now I understand, it's my job to look after you from here,"

"What happened to me," Erin mumbled as she felt a sharp pain in her head, "I have to go back, I'm not ready yet, I have my family,"

"What family is that baby girl, you're my baby girl, you have always been my daughter whether I adopted you or not," Camille asked.

"Hank, Olive, Daniel… them, him…" She dismissed her foster mother's option,

"I love you too, but I have someone back there that I love too. "

They two of them hugged for what felt to Erin an eternity, she finally managed to say goodbye to his mother, her true mother, but she wasn't ready to stop living yet, she wasn't ready to give up on her life. She had fought everyone in her life, she fought to be alive, to be someone, to have someone and to be loved, she was defeated but she never gave up, she couldn't give up, because she had living to do.

"Look after him…" Camille asked with silver tears forming her chocolate brown eyes.

"I will promise to look after him, He misses you, you know," She promised

"Tell him I miss him too, I'm waiting for him, and so is Justin. We're waiting for when you're both ready," She uttered her last words as Erin thanked her for her motherly love, kissed her cheek and hugged her one last time, her true mother began to fade subtly, like a pure white dove flying away.

She ran as quickly as she could, as fast as she had ever run, she ran for her life - for existence. The more space she covered the more her dress began to tatter and pain etched in her body appeared. Glass carved her skin with scarlet slashes, metal shards ripped her skin from the muscle underneath. She ran collapsing every few steps as she screamed violently with every blow, slash and blunt trauma hitting her petite frame.

Becoming breathless at every step and pace she took, she crawled away from the light, until she saw a truck upside down, sitting unstable on the ground, half pinned against the concrete bollards, and the truck laid at an angle on the pavement and road, which caused it to rock, a semi-auto with a man laid out on the floor, three people were around the collision, surrounding a truck with flames erupting from the belly of the underside of the same the truck that she had driven, smouldering softly as a man running with a fire extinguisher from his car. The GMC Sierra had been Jay's dream truck; they had one together as their car on the job before she had left.

She stood ghost-like painless down upon the body of a woman upside down a GMC truck. Her broken body was slashed, bone exposed, her head bloody. A man in a tuxedo was laying next to her, he had removed his seatbelt, he crawled around on the glassy tarmacked road where the windshield had been, he was barely conscious, but he was crushed up against the long concrete bollards, she was in front of him but she wasn't talking, she didn't look like she was even breathing.

Erin realised as she crouched next to the truck, it was her, she was barely breathing, it was Jay laying there crushed with his leg in the food area, with the dashboard pining his leg down, yet he had managed to free himself slightly so he wasn't totally upside down now. She thought in her mind that she thanked her for letting her hear her voice and see her smile.

She made her realise that there was fight left in her, she had fought for every part of her life, she defended her choice to fight, she chose to fight, she chose to live.

"Fight, goddamn it, Fight!" She screamed before she rapidly inhaled the cold breeze into her deflated lungs.

"Erin! Erin! Erin!" He shouted as he tried to wake her, from her shallow barely breathing state.

Erin opened her eyes briefly and the thought in her head as her eyes struggled to flicker the light in "Why all the pain? … Why so much pain? Why do I hurt everywhere?" She thought couldn't remember what had happened. She struggled to free herself from the uncomfortable position only to be rewarded with more pain as she panicked too. She screamed as she moved her arm away from the steering wheel, that screeched sound into Jay's ear that deafens him with her pain smearing through her body.

"Urgh, ow ow urgh…" Erin groaned in an exhaustive amount of pain.

"Erin where does it hurt?" Jay begged her to answer her question.

"Everywhere, my arm… my head...Jay" She gasped for air "Jay, I don't feel well, my head's spinning, it feels so sore… I feel like I'm gonna be sick" Erin moaned.

"Breathe in, breathe out Erin calm down … in and out, can you see me, I'm here, " jay calmed her down " do you know where your purse bag thing is?"

"It's in the centre console compartment where I left it " Erin muttered.

"Right…" he wiped his eyes as he grabbed the purse, not knowing where his phone has disappeared inside the truck "I'm gonna call an ambulance Erin, Erin !" Jay shouted as Erin fell into an unconscious state again.

Jay noticed that there was the white jagged end of a broken bone cutting through the skin of Erin's name after she had pulled her arm from outside the steering wheel and blood ran freely in thick clotting scarlet rivers blood that oozed out of her arm, as she had released her arm from the constraints of the steering wheel that had become its cage before she has yanked her arm away causing to have a deafening scream.

Then came a blue light and red light flickered on and off, the sound of sirens, approaching. The first responders and passersby rushed over to the truck where Erin was lifeless unconscious and Jay dazed from the bright car light staring at the accident that had unfolded in front of them. A dozen men ran out of the trucks towards the scene of the accident, ambulance 61 drove over to the semi, auto, where a man had been doing CPR on the driver of the truck, 2 more ambulances had arrived from other firehouses.

"Get some cribbing and struts for this thing, I don't want this thing to move!" Casey shouted to the rest of the guys running from the fire trucks from Firehouse 51. They started to put chocks under the car, around, as it brought it to a level height with the pavement so the truck wouldn't rock when they attempted to move them and get them out.

"I want this vehicle stabilized, now!" Severide shouted as the rest of Squad brought the gear from the back of truck Squad 3.

"Hello sir, ma'am, don't move, we're gonna get you out, Jay? Erin?" Casey questioned as he crouched down to the car, laying down to see who was in the car, and what injuries they had sustained in the accident.

"Casey, Casey! You need to get Erin out first, Erin can't breathe properly, she was out of it for a while, until some people found us, and my legs pinned under the dash, I broke myself free from the seat, and the truck rocked so I stopped moving," Jay disclosed.

"What have we got?" Severide questioned his comrade.

"Female with a possible broken arm and concussion, barely conscious, male, leg pinned under the dashboard, conscious and awake," Casey concluded.

The paramedic grabbed the oxygen tank and mask, placing the mask over her mouth and nose, hoping to improve her breathing with 100% oxygen. They had collared her and moved into the truck from the ground to collar Jay. They had brought the hydraulic cutter out to cut open the door, they placed a sheet over the two of them inside the truck. The door was off quickly as they worked as fast as they could to get them to safety and to the hospital for medical help. They lifted the sheet off the pair of them and lifted her as carefully as they could with the collar on her neck and the oxygen mask over her mouth and nose.

"Right let's get her out of here!" A paramedic voiced. The paramedic rushed her from the board to the gurney as they loaded her into the ambulance, the lights flashing rapidly and the sirens sounding.

Erin was loaded into the ambulance non-conscious, her heart rate was going through the roof, and she was looking deathly pale, the paramedic who had helped to get her out with the firefighters from the firehouse 51 had struggled and tugged at her dress, so they pulled her out of the upturned truck. Meanwhile, Casey and Joe worked with Brett to collar Jay properly and get him out on a board in case he had a neck or spine injury. His right leg was still pinned under the dashboard, so they had to get the separator to get the dashboard to release the pressure from his right leg, he followed Erin shortly to the hospital on a gurney in Ambulance 61 with Sylvie Brett in the back with him looking after him as she assessed his injuries, and bandaged the gash on his leg.


	12. Twelve

WARNING: I am not a medical expert, and I have done my best with my prior medical knowledge and the uses of Dr Google and Dr Wikipedia (haha) and many websites of people who have medical knowledge, so if anything is incorrect or not perfect then I'm sorry ahead of this, but I hope you enjoy the chapter anyway.

Twelve

"Female driver with a broken arm exposed, but reduced on the scene, blood pressure 140 over 90, and pulse was 124, given no pain relief at the request of the patient, she been in and out of consciousness, she has a bleeding head injury, bandaged, we collared and boarded her, as she complained of dizziness, and a headache, on-scene she had nausea, so we administered Phenergan via the IV in her arm, GCS 7 from a rollover truck accident, and given a litre of Saline," The paramedic instructed.

"Take her to Baghdad," Maggie told the paramedics, "Any ID guys?" She asked as she walked quickly to the infamous trauma room 'Baghdad'. "Will, I need you over here" She commented.

"Not any we could find, but the one of the fire crew said she was called 'Erin' but she kept on asking after her I think boyfriend, calling him 'Jay', he was in the ambulance behind us." The paramedic answered.

"Jay, as in Jay Halstead?" Will asked, as he peered at the female's face which was bruised, bleeding and swollen but he still recognised her face, the face of who was supposed to be his sister in law.

"Couldn't say, she just said Jay, but she's pretty out of it?" the paramedic's partner said.

"It's Erin... Erin Lindsay, she from the 21st precinct, that means it, Jay, it's Jay that coming in, he was at that Police benefit, how the hell did this happen?" Will yelled as he became more and more concerned over his brother's health.

"Will get out of here, Maggie, tell me everything," Natalie took charge over the possible critical care of the police officer.

"This is Erin Lindsay, rollover truck accident, GSC 7, fading in and out of consciousness, pulse 132, bp is 145 over 93, possible head injury and a broken arm, and she refused to accept pain relief, she's got a pneumothorax Maggie released the information of the Sergeant of the Intelligence Unit.

"Okay, no pain relief that explains the part about that high blood pressure and heart rate, but I'm worried about that head injury, book in an MRI, CT and let's see if we can give her some paracetamol everything give some pain relief," The on-call doctor mentioned to junior doctors and nurses in the trauma room.

They started to cut her dress, they placed a gown on top of her as they cut the dress off her, then they placed a surgical sheet over the surgical site. They got the kit for a collapsed lung, she grabbed a silver scalpel, before she had administered her with lidocaine, to the area, so it would numb it, they dug the scalpel deep into her upper chest under her rib to get her lung, when she started inserting a chest tube between the ribs to remove the excess air. Erin gasped for air as she could breathe again from the impact she had with the truck. Her injuries weren't exactly textbook, she had a collapsed lung, a broken arm and other than that she seemed fine, but her possible head injury was Natalie's made concern.

"Erin, take a big deep breath for me," Natalie asked when the chest tube was in Erin, and she began to cough violently until she got her breath back in her lungs.

"Erin can we give you some pain relief," Will asked, as he let Natalie take over, while he worried about his brother who was one of the incomings from the accident.

"Will get out of here, I can't trust you to think straight when your brother is going to be incoming any second, Will get out now!" Natalie ordered him out of the trauma room.

"Erin, Erin! " Natalie flashed her torch eye in her patient's eyes trying to wake her patient from a daze to be alert enough to make her own medical decision, "Erin can we give you some paracetamol or anything pain relief?" She asked.

"NO!" She refused as she started to daze again she battled unconsciousness as she explained her own reasoning why," I can cope... I was addicted to the drugs… No, I won't take them" She whimpered as her eyes fluttered rapidly as she tried to cope with the pain of everything in her body hurting presently at the same time.

"Okay Erin, we won't give you anything, but I need you to consent to an MRI, X-ray and a CT scan?" She asked.

"Yeah, do it…" Erin replied breathlessly.

"Erin, this nurse is going to take you for an MRI, so that we can check your head injury, so we can find out if it is more serious than we think," Natalie spoke.

"I'll contact her emergency contact, Look after her, she's one of our own," Maggie commented as she walked towards the nurse's station in the centre of the emergency department.

…

Five minutes after Erin had been rushed into the emergency room, the other paramedics that had been on the scene, with the firefighters helping them escape the burning truck, were dealing with Jay and had just brought him. His tuxedo had been ripped to shreds, he had IV's in both of his arms, giving him saline, his pants had been ripped by the plastic that was lodged in his leg from the door card that had broken. His suit had him cut off him, as they had checked the bruising on his chest from the possible broken rib he had sustained in the crash.

"Male passenger with minor lacerations. BP 115 over 75, Pulse 89 beats per minute, he's boarded and collared as a precaution from a rollover truck accident. GCS 14, an oxygen mask due to breathless, cautionary prognosis of some broken ribs, we have given him pints of saline, he has lost about a pint of blood from the deep cut to his left leg that was pinned under the dashboard, no crush injuries seem to be present. Also clear dislocated shoulder which was reduced on scene." The paramedic explained.

"Take him to Trauma 2," Maggie told the second set of paramedics in the last 5 minutes to take the police officer to another trauma room, as she held the phone from the nurse's station getting Erin's emergency contact on the line."

"Jay is that you, Jay" Will ran across the emergency room towards the trauma area so he could see if it was his brother.

"Will…" Jay replied.

"Jay, I'm here, I'm here Jay, what the hell happened?" Will questioned.

"Ethan I need you on that, its Will's brother," Maggie instructed the doctor to deal with the case of the

"Get a pint of blood, I want to get his blood level back up to normal," Ethan asked April to get.

"Right on it," April replied.

"He has a clear bruising to the face, I need a full-body x-ray, and retailed one on the face, It looks a little deformed especially with that cut near it, I'm suspecting it's a broken cheekbone," Ethan spoke, "So it's X-ray time for you, we need to know if you have any broken bones,"

"Okay," Jay wicked as he moved slightly on the gurney still in pain.

"Right, this nurse is going to take you, I'm going to give you a milligram of morphine for the pain." Ethan discussed.

"Thanks, Ethan," Jay thanked.

"It's fine, it's my job, like serving and protecting is yours, I will see you soon, and I will discuss X-rays when I get the results," Ethan explained.

...

"Hi Erin, Hank is waiting in the waiting room to see, but before he can come in I need to tell you about your scan results," Natalie explained, "Right from your X-ray it looks like you have a clean break between both the radius and ulna in your arm, meaning it will be in a cast for a while. Probably between 6 and 8 weeks" She told the impatient Erin.

"Okay," Erin groaned as she knew that she would have to be out of action for a while.

"But from your CT and MRI we can see a small bleed on the brain, and we are going to watch and wait to see if it resolves itself if not then it could have to become a surgical issue," Natalie explained to her, as Erin stared at the other side of the emergency department to look at Jay and his brother, Will, sitting next to him.

"How bad is Natalie," Erin questioned scared about her head

"It's bad enough to have me concerned but all of your injured stitches I think that it is a waiting game if it reduces itself which I think to seem like it will then it will be fine, but if you feel a headache or anything changes tell me because then we will have not an option but to go to the OR," Natalie explained as she knew Erin pretty well from when she originally lived in Chicago before her move to New York and that with Erin honesty was the best policy.

"Okay, hopefully, it goes away then," Erin said, giving hope to herself.

"Don't worry until we need to be. I know how you are, and I think honesty is the best policy," Natalie suggested.

"Yeah, thank you, Nat," She thanked her for her honesty because she knew she just needed to be honest with her at this point in time.

"Before I go, do you hurt anywhere else, other than your head, your legs, abdomen, any pain,"

"No, I just have a throbbing headache,"

"Okay since you won't let me give you anything I'll come check on you in 10 minutes, in a short while I'll take you for an MRI and CT scan of your head, and we will see if your brian bleed had disappeared.

When could I see Jay, I want to see how he is doing?" Erin questioned nervously.

"Not yet both of you are bed-bound for now, but you too are both being admitted so probably when you are moved up to the wards," Natalie spoke.

"Okay thanks, Nat. Would Hank be able to come in now?" Erin asked.

"Yeah sure, I'll get a nurse to go get him from the waiting room," Natalie replied.

"Thank you," Erin said as Natalie walked away to the nurse's station, and she did as she said she would, she asked a nurse to get Hank from the waiting room.

A nurse and Hank walked into her hospital trauma room, he looked at her broken body, she had cuts and grazes across the body, her ballroom gown was ruined but still hugging her slim figure, they had rushed her CT, MRI and X-rays, which was why she still had the slim dress that didn't flurry out to the sides and had just feel to the ground.

"Erin, my god," Hank amazed at the extent of the injuries of his foster daughter, "How are you, how is Jay, I was told that you were together in the truck," Hank questioned

"Yeah I was in the truck with Jay, we had gone for cookie dough, I was driving, I never saw the truck I came out of nowhere, I don't know where Jay is, I don't know if he is okay," She whimpered.

"Okay, okay, in a minute I'll try to find out how he is I know he is here, but I don't know where, but how are you,

I'm okay, seriously" She winced as she had tried to sit up on the gurney, yet fell straight back down onto the bed.

"Like hell you are Erin, you were in a rollover truck accident, you could have died, the nurse told me all about it," Voight had spoken angrily.

"Okay, but it could be worse," Erin kidded but Hank seemed to not get her sense of humour.

"Worse, you have got to be kidding me," He had spoken, as she let out a small painful giggle, "Okay, okay I'll calm down, just when I got that call, I just thought that I had lost you too, your all I have left, Camille and Justin are gone…"

"I dreamt when I was in the car, I saw Camille, she told me that she loved me… she said that I could stay with her… but I couldn't it told I wasn't to stop fighting… she told me to look after you and that she loved you… loved us... she was talking to me it felt so rea…" She dazed away as she spoke.

"Erin… Erin! Erin!" Hak tried to shake her awake but she wouldn't, the machine started to beep furiously and then a monotone sound began to fill the room.

...

"Hi Jay, from the X-rays you don't have a broken cheekbone, from the cut on your cheek, there is a piece of glass, small enough to make the cheek look deformed, put it under the skin so it needs to be removed, but you do have a hairline fracture on your right leg, probably from the impact of the dashboard hitting and crushing that leg, so crutches for a couple of days or a week, just until we can get you another X-ray to check the healing progress," Ethan detailed to his patient, as he had brought over a suture kit and some tweezers so that he could remove the glass.

"Okay, that's fine, great thanks, that brilliant, I got away from that crash pretty undamaged then, just need to get this glass out then," Jay spoke as he was looking around the ER for his old partner, she had come in first and yet he had not known how she was doing yet.

"Everything okay, Jay?" Ethan asked intrigued at the man's behaviour as Will had just left to get him a glass of water.

"It's just, how's Erin? She was in the car with me, I just haven't seen her yet, is she okay?" Jay was concerned as he spoke emotionally about his partner, Will walked back into the room as he brought a glass of water into the room as Ethan removed the glass from is brother's face.

"I'll go find out for you," Will offered.

"Thanks, Will," Jay thanked his brother going to find out how she was doing, knowing that Erin and Will weren't the best of friends, but Will went to go check and find out because he knew that his brother still cared about her even if he didn't want to because he knew that his brother still loved her.

"That's what brothers are for," Will spoke as he walked away from Jay and Ethan who was just putting the last sutures in his face.

...

"Help! Help! Over here, she was talking and then they went limp and the machine went off!" Hank shouted begging for any member of the ER to help Erin.

"She's crashing!" Will ran over as he called the code, " Someone bag her."

"On it Will, Sats 88% no pulse," April recalled the information.

Will and Natalie removed her gown they had put on her after she had been cut out of her dress for some privacy, they had seen some bruising to her entire left side, but now they could tell that she could be going into hemorrhagic shock from the internal bleeding in her abdomen.

"Crash cart now," Natalie yelled as Ethan dragged the crash cart towards the trauma bay, "Charge to 100 joules."

"Clear?" Will asked the code team.

"Clear." They all called.

"She has major left side internal bleeding, a round of adrenaline," Natalie spoke, "She didn't feel it, her head what was causing her pain,"

Meanwhile, Jay was shouting and demanding to be heard he wanted to know if she was okay if she was alive, he had heard the code team call the code, but he didn't hear or see anything else after Maggie had come to talk to him, she had closed the curtain so he didn't have to watch from the other side of the emergency room. He had heard Hank break down and cry. It was the first time Jay had ever heard the tough man cry in front of people, Erin had told him he cried for days when Justin had died. Hank had always been a private person, keeping his emotions from other people so he could keep his appearance of being a man who didn't show his true loving, caring emotions to anyone other than his family, but when it had to come to Erin coding in front of him, he had just broken down in front everyone in the ED.

"Charge again," Will asked as they shocked her again, trying to make her regain sinus rhythm again.

"Clear?" Will asked as part of the procedure to ask the team to avoid accidents.

"Clear." Everyone was assured after they all spoke accepted the command to clear the bed.

"Charge to 150 joules, and another one of adrenaline," Will asked as he addressed the code team.

"Clear?" He questioned.

"Clear." The code team said.

"Back in sinus rhythm" April called.

"Pack everything onto the gurney now, let's get her to the OR now, and page a neurosurgeon, I want them checking on her brain bleed, and we're gonna need general, page anyone, she is going to need everyone," Will ordered as he placed the heart monitor between her legs and dragged the gurney to the OR, with the help of Natalie, Ethan and April.

"We are gonna need blood, saline, and packing, we don't know how bad the extent is the bleeding in her belly," Ethan spoke as they pulled her on her gurney into the left, as Maggie phoned the OR ahead to get ready for them.


	13. Thirteen

Thirteen

1:47 am

The time had hit an early time on the clock Jay had been admitted well over an hour or two ago, sometime around half past eleven and midnight, Erin had been admitted at 23:36, but Jay closed remember what time he had been admitted, he had only known the time she had because Will had told him. Erin had just been rushed into the OR, over half an hour ago, she had been on the operating table for some time, and Jay still laid on his gurney, he had given up waiting behind a fabric curtain. He had remembered who had told him to keep the wait on his leg an hour earlier, he had been seen and told him not, completely not to try and get up, but would that stop him, no it hadn't because he pulled himself up with the bars on the left side of the bed, to guide him to sitting before, he placed all of his weight on his non-injured leg and dragged his hurt leg against the floor. Without feeling the pain in his leg, he placed his weight on his injured leg before he screamed out in pain and collapsed to the ground in the middle of the ER corridor in front of the nurses' station.

"Arghhh!" Jay yelled as he put all his weight on his leg to pull the sheet away from the door, so he could see the entirety of the emergency room.

"Jay, I told you not to bear weight on your leg." Ethan ran over as he tried to treat his patient.

"Well no one would tell me about Erin, it's been hours," Jay told him.

Ethan had rushed over to Jay would have been lying on the floor with his leg collapsed in an uncomfortable position, the doctor had obtained a wheelchair nearby and proceeded to help him get into the chair, he had left in the corridor outside the trauma bay he had been in for a couple of hours, Jay had known that he was being transferred upstairs to a ward soon but he hadn't of known when.

"Jay?" Hank questioned from behind the ER doctor before Ethan had walked away from the reckless patient how could have caused himself to break his leg, not just have a hairline fracture.

"Hank, Hank, how's Erin, no one will tell me anything," Jay begged for information on the severely injured woman.

"No news, I ended up getting turfed out of the room that Erin was in back to the waiting room, I was coming to see Maggie, see if any news had come around, and then I heard you scream like a girl," Hank seriously talked, as he tried to make some happiness with a joke after, but neither of the pair left like laughing while they knew Erin was in grave danger.

"Oh okay," Jay spoke as he wished that he would have had more information about the young woman they both deeply cared about.

The attending doctor grabbed the handles to the wheelchair Jay was sitting in, instead of walking to the room that Jay was originally located in he started to walk with him away from his trauma room, and towards the lift.

"Where are we going?" Jay questioned as they moved further and further away from the trauma bay, with Hank trailing behind wanting to know how the younger detective he had worked with was.

"To get some answers before you break that leg of yours, Hank, you might as well come with us, I will see if I can leave you in the surgery waiting room area," Ethan mocked with concern knowing that it was the only way to stop him from doing something crazy.

5:23 am

Night had fallen and morning had risen. The sun began to echo its way into every room in the hospital, a honeydew of morning orange light. Erin was on an OR table, her heart was beating, and her body was failing to compete with the trauma, her high blood pressure was constant until her ruptured spleen had been lucky saved, with expert hands by Dr Crockett Marcel. After Hank had been behind Ethan when they found Jay crying out in pain because he tried to put all of his weight on his leg which he had known that he had fractured, they had been waiting hours to try to find out what was going on with Erin.

An hour before around half 4 in the morning had to moved from the theatre waiting area, because he needed to have it's his repeat obs taken, and more tests to check that he hadn't broken his leg or had any residual injuries that weren't noticed before, a nurse had told Jay that he had to be transferred to a ward, he had left Hank alone in the OR waiting for the area, as he was moved to a ward, he had resisted at first but Hank had told him that he should get some sleep, he does what the doctors and the nurses were asking. Jay had sent his brother home, he had told him he felt fine and that he wanted to just wait with Hank for an update on Erin, having just finished an 18-hour shift and then waiting around for an extra 4 hours because of his brother's car crash, he had gone home.

Hank was trying to be alone with his thoughts, he had always sort of loved Jay as Erin's boyfriend, friend, or whatever the hell they were to one another, he had been the first guy she had dated that he had truly approved of, not that he had ever told either of them that, he loved Erin so much, he had lost his entire family nearly, she was his only family that wasn't Olive or Daniel who was still here. Barely here. Hank hadn't moved in hours he hadn't heard any news since she had been rushed into the OR, he wanted to be the first to see her come out of the OR, he wanted to make sure she was okay, or as okay she could be, for someone who had almost been to hell and back in the space of 6 hours.

9:12 am

Erin had been in surgery for six hours when she had come back out of the OR, Hank had spent some time with her before he had gone to see Jay, but he had been asleep so he had returned to Erin's room in ICU, he had left a note with the nurse telling him that she had gotten out of surgery, she seemed to be okay, and that she was in a room in the ICU. Will had returned, opening his brother's hospital door coming back, later on, he had already gone to his brother's apartment and grabbed him some slack clothing.

"Hey bro, you look better this morning"

"What are you doing here? Will you need to go back home and get some sleep, you're working later on," Jay suggested to his mother.

"I got someone to take my shift, I needed to be with you, I could have lost you last night, you're the only family I have left Jay, I can't lose you as well, and I couldn't sleep, I needed to know you were okay too," Will mentioned.

"I'm okay Will, I got away lucky, it's Erin who is the one who is not doing good, can she possibly still be in surgery. I want to go back down and wait with Hank, I need to see if she had gotten out of surgery yet,"

"I know that she isn't doing the greatest, but I did get a text before I arrived here from a nurse text me saying Hank had left a note for you, that when you woke that there might be a certain person you might want to go see, " Will acknowledged.

"She's awake?" Jay questioned.

"No, she is under sedation, for now, her brain pressure is still unsteady so the trauma surgeon who was treating her is keeping her sedated until the pressure decreases, she is not out of the woods yet but she is stable for now," Will explained.

Will had driven the wheelchair that Jay had his leg propped up in, down to the ICU, where Hank slept sitting up on a chair while he held his daughter's hand. Jay sat beside Erin with his hand cupping hers.

"You have to wake Erin… I love you, I have always loved you, please wake up, come back to us," Jay begged.

The two days after her emergency surgery in her abdomen, she had lacerated her liver, it was minor but it had been bleeding into her chest cavity, while her spleen had ruptured which was what caused the masses of internal bleeding, the OR team managed to repair the ruptured. Her vitals had been stable for the past two days, she had been sedated because of her head injury. Erin had been rushed back into surgery from her ICU room because the pressure in her brain had been increasing rapidly.

Whole days had slowly crept by with Jay never leaving her side after he had been allowed to visit her after the emergency surgery to reduce the swelling on her brain from her brain bleed. He had refused to leave the first night that he was there and the staff eventually after a couple of days, stopped trying to get him to leave her hospital bed, never mind even getting him to leave to go home. The last week had been like hell for him, he had been discharged at the beginning of the week, two days after the accident because he had been cleared for major injuries but he knew that Erin had gotten the majority of the injuries, and he had come straight to see her, but no change had happened she had been in surgery earlier in the week. She had originally had had emergency surgery for a ruptured spleen and a lacerated liver which had made her code, but she had then that brain surgery two days later because the pressure was building upon her brain.

Jay had eventually slept in her room every night waiting and watching until she would wake up until his brother and Natalie had come to see him, and Erin to check on her progress, they had explained to him that she was in a coma, her body, her brain had done it to survive. Natalie and Will had both agreed that it was now the time to try to reduce the oxygen in her tube so they could try to wake her up and so she could breathe by herself from her coma, it was the best chance to see if she could breathe on her own again. They had tried to wake her, 2 days after the surgery but both her body and brain weren't strong enough to fight to breathe stably, so she had been sedated in an induced coma for a couple of days, to give her body and brain a chance to heal before she could be taken off the oxygen again.

"So today we are going to remove her tube and see if after being in a coma for 5 days has allowed her brain enough time to heal. If she can breathe on her own then the tube stays out but if we can't see any sign of her breathing on her own then the tube will have to go back in." Natalie directed.

"Yeah, I remember you said all that three days ago," Jay

"Okay, so it just wait and see then," Hank asked

"Yes, that's all we can do at the moment, wait and see if she is ready and strong enough to fight yet," She answered.

"Okay…" Hank spoke.

They began to take the tube out from her throat, she had disconnected the tube from the ventilator and turned the machine on standby. Will and Natalie had been in the room, he had removed the ties or tape that had held it perfectly in place so that she could breathe through the use of the ventilator. Natalie had begun to deflate the balloon that kept the tube in place inside her throat so that the ventilator could do its job of keeping her breathing and alive, once she had deflated the balloon Natalie gently started to pull the tube from her mouth, exiting completely out of her mouth. Jay stood with one crutch holding him up on his right side, as he held her right hand, rubbing the back of the palm of her hand, wishing that she would start to breathe on her own. Five days had passed since she had been in an induced coma from her brain bleed after the surgery to reduce the pressure building in her skull and on her brain.

"Come on Erin, you can do this, I need you to wake up" Hank begged.

"I won't forgive you if you never wake up, I should have been driving, so you better wake up," Jay had begun to get annoyed at her lack of progress as the guilt had hit him.

"Jay, it wasn't your fault, or Erin's or the driver of that Semi either, you couldn't have changed it," Hank told the younger detective as he knew from his face that the younger adult was feeling guilty over the accident.

"I can't help it, she needs to be okay, she only just came back, we were friends again…" Jay admitted.

They had taken the breathing tube out of her throat, the two doctors stayed with a watchful eye on the oxygen and stats of their patients, as her oxygen stats dropped from 99% to 93%, they were beginning to wonder that they would need to out the tube back into her throat, when they started to see the stats returning to normal, leaving out at 98%. Erin fluttered her eyes and coughed horrendously for a couple of minutes, she felt a hand holding hers, she had assumed that it had been Hank, but when her eyes fully opened she noticed that Jay was standing with a crutch and he had been the one holding her hand.

Will checked with a stethoscope her breathing, as Natalie checked her dressing on her abdomen, they had managed to keep scarring to a minimum, when they had started the surgery they had pinpointed the bleeds nearly immediately and she had one small scar that was sewn with stitches, which were ready to be removed, Natalie had removed those stitches and Will admitted that her breathing was perfect. Hank and Jay had stayed in the room while Will and Natalie informed them on the good news that she was okay, she was breathing perfectly on her own, and when they had removed her stitches from her stomach. Jay stayed holding and stroking her hand as she coughed and asked for some water for her extremely dry throat.

"How do you feel?" Hank asked as he sat with her alone after Jay had to get the full leg brace off his leg because it had shifted, so he was having a cast put on her lower leg instead.

"I feel alive at least, but I hurt everywhere, it hurts so much… Dad," Erin said as she exposed her whole heart to him, he had and always would be her Dad, she didn't care who was her biological dad, because the dad that loved her was Hank.

"I know Er, you don't have to do this without pain relief, you had three surgeries, Erin, your my daughter and I will do anything to make sure you are happy, and okay," Hank accepted her words that felt like the revelation of a lifetime, that she was his daughter, not from blood, but love, trust, and caring.

"I don't want to relapse again, I've been sober for years, I don't, I can't do it again," She broke down.

"It's different this time, the doctors could help you, I could, and know that Jay would help you too," Hank declared.

"Maybe," Erin spoke, as she gently hugged Hank after he stood and leant over her so they could hug without hurting her.

After a few hours, she had been in extreme pain but she still refused to take again, Hank and Jay had both explained to her that it was okay for her to take the pain relief and that no one would see her any differently. She refused drugs, trying to be strong, but with all the pain in her body she had let go of her emotions, tears rolled constantly own her face until Dr Marcel and Natalie had discussed with her to keep her on controlled amounts of pain relief, instead of taking all the pain away they had managed to get her something to dull the pain with, it had taken hours for her to admit that she couldn't do it without, she had been injuries almost everywhere, and it was either her screaming out in pain, or a dangerous plan of sedated which she might not wake up from, so she had accepted the help, but she was to be restricted to pain relief if she cope with the pain.


	14. Fourteen

Foreword: Did you really think I could do it? I could never write either of these characters off, so let's look forward to what is going to happen next, I'm sure this coming chapter that you are going to love them. Xxx

Fourteen

A couple of days had passed, and Erin had been heavily reduced on her pain relief, however for the majority of the time she had slept for the last couple days. She had only been more awake the morning that Jay and Hank had decided to visit the same morning, they popped into her room before seeing she was asleep so they had taken themselves to the food cafe that was in the hospital for some breakfast. They had returned to her room over half an hour later after they would have started rounds on the ward she was on, and they would wake her up anyway to do mental and physical exams and try to make her take a few steps around the bed she was bound to for a while.

A volunteer that looked like her deceased her mother, Camille had come to her room, she had wondered whether it had been someone who was related to Camille, she knew she had family that she was estranged from because it was distant cousins, but deep down she truly wished that the dream or spirit version of her mother from her dream was just coming to check on her or give her advice, but she looked again at the woman and she realised that there wasn't any similarity between the pair of them, she thought it was probably her mind tricking her. It was the day they were handing out poems and Erin thought I would keep her mind off things she didn't want to think about, so she took the poem from the volunteer and began to read "Darkness" from Beating Hearts and Butterflies;

Darkness is inevitable

Just as light is divine

And one without the other

Simply does not work,

It does not exist…

For you need the deepest tints of what darkness beholds

To truly show grace to the whispers of light

And the mellow gold that hides inside your soul

I searched and swam the waves of my emotional sea

Dived deeply into territory that yelled to be known to me

And I found a beauty in the black

An honesty to own

That is, the darkest parts of me

Are the most beautiful I know

...

"So I need to speak to you, privately Erin," Natalie asked her patient, being sensitive to the subject she was yet to talk to her about.

"It's okay, I would Jay and Hank to stay," Erin admitted.

"Okay…" Natalie reluctantly started to continue, "Well in surgery we did two key cut hole procedures, and from your medical records we know that you had a miscarriage at 15 weeks, we found some scarring after you had an emergency c-section…" Natalie spoke as Hank mumbled and stared at Erin as Jay held her hand, as he sat on the edge of her bed.

"What? Erin, you had a miscarriage and you didn't tell any of us," Hank empathised.

"Well, actually Jay knows, when I came back to Chicago he knew I was acting weird so I told him all about it, I'll talk to later about it, Natalie is trying to tell me something," Erin explained after she had returned she had to tell her ex-partner that they would have had a child if not for a miscarriage.

"Okay…" He spoke, as he reached down to her bed to hug her body from her right-hand side.

"It's fine… So, when Ethan and Dr Marcel were in surgery and fixing the laceration on your liver and the partially ruptured spleen, they examined the rest of your chest cavity and your insides for glass, as your legs did have glass cuts, and they found scarring on between your uterus and intestines, and they had to remove the extra tissue because it was tearing, we are unaware of this because of the miscarriage or if you have this extra tissue between the two since you were a child, but if it was the latter, it could have been the cause of the miscarriage because the tissue couldn't stretch as you become more pregnant…" Natalie explained as she looked through her medical records and charts that were hanging on the end of the bed.

"Does this affect my ability to have kids in the future Nat, just tell me straight if it is…" Erin butted in, as she started to get anxious over the thought of losing the one thing she had decided that she wanted.

"No, if that tissue was there since you were a child, it is more likely that you will have a perfectly healthy pregnancy if you choose to have kids later in the future," Natalie told her, and Erin's face lit up at the thought that she was still able to have kids if she ever decided to, she thought of Jay as he sat directly next to her and held her hand, keeping her company as she found out the news.

"That's a relief. Thanks, Nat," Erin thanked her as she looked at her IV and replaced the saline drip that she had inserted in her IV, on the back of her hand.

Natalie replaced her IV saline drip and she proceeded to update her chart, and check her vital before she left the three of them in her room, Erin had had her dressing remove from her head that morning, as they said she had been healing nicely, especially to the neurosurgeon he said that she could be discharged soon, it was just up to the general surgeon because of her injuries and surgeries.

"Can I get a glass of water, my throat is still sore," Erin asked as she moved around in her bed, and adjusted the rake of the mechanical bed.

"Yeah, I'll get it," Jay directed before Hank even opened his mouth, on crutches Jay walked off to the bathroom to refill her jug, to be full with water.

"Can we talk about this now?" Hank asked Erin as Jay walked over to the bathroom to get a glass of water.

"Yeah, I suppose I need to explain it to you," Erin accepted.

"I told you about me and Camille, losing Justin's twin, you could have talked to me anytime, you're my kid, I would have been there the moment you needed me," He spoke.

"I know but it was after Al had died and I had been caught up in the bomb explosion, I just needed to do it on my own, it was the only way I thought I could do it without looking back at my life in Chicago," Erin stated, as she began to tell her own heartbreaking story again for the second time that year.

"You told me about the bomb explosion and you said you were okay, but I came up a couple of weeks after that, why didn't you tell me then?" Hank asked

"Because I thought if I told you, I'd have to tell Jay, and then I would relapse, I just did what I thought was the best at the same," Erin explained.

"What a minute. You knew she had been in a bomb explosion, and you didn't tell me! You knew that for weeks I was still asking if you knew anything more about Erin's move to New York, and you lied straight to my face," Jay was angered by his former boss's actions and how he had treated the situation she had faced alone without anyone from her friends in Chicago.

"I didn't want you to be hurt, you were just getting on with your life, and it had been nearly 4 months since she had left, I wanted to protect you from something that didn't matter to you," Hank declared after he tried to state what had happened, knowing that when Erin had vanished from Chicago Jay had been battling his demons.

"You knew I was going to propose to her because Will talked to you when he dropped off the ring, so you lied about that and then you lied to me about this?" Jay asked

"Wait… You were seriously going to ask me to marry you?" Erin looked shocked.

"Yeah, I got my Mum's ring from mine and Will's security box, and I was going to ask you the night you left, but by the time I went to look for you, you had gone, and I couldn't find you, reach you or see you," Jay answered while he stood at the end of her bed, while Hank sat on the edge of the bed after she had shifted her legs so he could sit there, but Jay refused to sit down in the chair, so it remained free.

"Okay…" Erin muttered as she began to think her thoughts as the two started to fight and argue with their words more and more.

Until Erin had just blocked out there fighting as she thought of what her future could have looked like if she hadn't left Chicago. If she had fought for her job, her career, her life, and most importantly who would have been in her life, she could have been married, a mother and a police officer still, but she thought of how her life had changed, she could have been married and still have lost their child. She began to realise that it wouldn't have mattered what would have happened because that wasn't the future and present she was living in and if she lived for dwelling on the past she would have no future.

Why are you so angry about this, it was years ago, it wasn't my place to make her stay so you could ask her to marry you, and it wasn't my job or as a father figure to tell you what she didn't want anyone to know," Hank questioned the younger detective's true intentions to his questions and anger.

"Because she could have died, she was in a bomb explosion Hank, and you knew and didn't know anything about, you never told any of us, not even Kim, Kim was in contact with Erin and you didn't think that she should know, " Jay frustratedly yelled.

"Stop it! Stop it, the pair of you, stop fighting! If anyone should have told the team, it should have been me, I should have called and told everyone, but I didn't. It was over 4 years ago now, I lived and I'm here…" She sighed and took a breath, "So can we just discuss what Hank wants to know, if not the pain of you can go home, now," Erin demanded.

"Sorry…" They both apologised as they looked at the frail young woman on the bed who was recovering from major surgeries, including having a drill drill into her skull to release the pressure on her brain and skull.

"If you both want to know what happened that night, I had come home from a shopping trip on my own, I was still on crutches, and I hadn't felt too well that day, but I thought I was probably down to being pregnant, I had never been pregnant so I didn't know what it was like, and I wasn't going to ask Bunny, she bailed as soon as I got her released from drug trafficking charges… Jay, you know that I told you I collapsed and Gracie, my partner at the FBI in New York found me at my apartment, I collapsed, I was heavy bleeding and was 15 weeks pregnant, by the time I got to the hospital, I have gone into premature labour if you could call it that, it just hurt all the time, and I was rushed to an OR because I was losing to much blood, I have a small c-section scar down there, and they removed the baby, I didn't see that baby, I couldn't look at them, then 4 days later I was released from the hospital, I ripped up my plane tickets and that is it, I just moved on." Erin spoke, as the pair of men sat and listened after Jay had given up standing on his one leg and his crutches.

"Now either talk about something other than miscarriages, bomb explosions, rings and car crashes, or leave, I just want to talk about anything other than those things," Erin exclaimed and the two began to talk about the races that were displayed on the TV in Erin's room, and she slowly fell to sleep as she hugged her father as she slept until was late that night and the pair returned to their own homes.

…

The day that Erin was to be released from the Hospital had been a big day, she had been out of the coma for two weeks, and everything was healing nicely as Will and Natalie would call it. She still had a slight sore throat, she had a tube forced down her throat to keep her breathing, so she wasn't annoyed that much by it because she knew she wouldn't have been alive if she hadn't had that tube in. She had been up and walking a couple of days ago, she would have a lot of time away from the office for a while, and she had put Antonio in charge while she healed up. She felt lucky, she had survived, they had survived the most gruesome crashes that most people had ever seen.

Hank had returned to his home back after he had been away from Olive and Daniel for weeks, and every one part of the team was pulling together to help Erin and Jay, however, Erin had told him to go home she was doing good she had been given the all-clear and was just waiting for all her doctor's to allow her to get discharged. She hadn't taken any pain relief in over week, it had been about 10 days since she had last been administered some pain relief because of the pain she was in, Jay, and Kim had promised to help her stay away from anything addictive, she knew in her mind she didn't want to or need to take drugs she was strong enough but in the weakness moment in her life, she needed to dull the pain, and no one, not even in AA meeting could have disagreed, she had got a sponsor so she could keep clean, and she seemed to be keeping on top of the situation.

A volunteer had been round to see Erin most days, she had been a woman looked around sixty years old, she had been there on Erin's deepest and darkest days of her days in the hospital, but on the day she left the hospital she left her a note, a poem, "One Day" from Beating Hearts and Butterflies;

One day, you will heal

One day, you will be grateful for the deepest cuts of pain

One day, you will glance at yourself

And see a stronger person through your reflection

One day, you will kiss away your hurt… gently, and with grace

Until then, use it all to propel you forward

Like a white-hot pyre through your star-spangled eyes

A fire to regenerate every shadowy cell

And open your heart to every experience

Knowing that one day

You will search your heart

And understand that love is the only thing to ever hold onto

Erin suddenly left like she had known the woman all along, she looked like someone she used to know, in her heart she wanted to believe it could have been Camille wishing her good luck on her remaining life before 'one day' she would come to stay with her foster mother, her real mother forever 'one day', like she had promised herself a 'one day' with Jay, a 'one day' to have found true love, a 'one day' to truly and fully heal, and a 'one day' to be loved and finally a 'one day' to love like she had never loved before, the day that 'one day' that she would have a loving gorgeous child of her very own, the child that would make her complete with love.


	15. Fifteen

Fifteen

3 WEEKS LATER...

The accident had been five weeks ago, and the pair had been cleared to return to work, Erin still had her arm in a cast, she had chosen to had it black so that it would be easier to conceal, she wasn't allowed to fire a weapon because of her broken arm, but it was going to be removed soon, but Jay had been cleared from his fracture in his leg during the week he had returned, one of the fastest healed hairline fractures that Ethan had seen, but he had still told him to be safe, no running or extreme exercising for a while. The team had been so excited to welcome the two members back to the team after they had been away for a month, Jay had come in and out of the intelligence a couple of times the past week but he was fully cleared on the Monday he had returned but Erin had been cleared for the Tuesday.

Erin had suffered from post-traumatic amnesia meaning she was able to remember the crash at all, she had just forgotten the entire night. Her only memories of the days before and after was, walking outside the venue with Jay, they had their arms linked, they had kissed but they had decided to forget about it, both of them hadn't forgotten about it, but she couldn't remember what she happened after Police gala they had attended together, and then she was waking up in ICU with Jay holding her hand. The pair were sat in the truck when a song came on the radio, and either of them knew where to look, the song was perfect for the pair of them, the radio presenter announced it was Lightning Strikes by The Shires, and it was an obvious metaphor for loving in love with someone twice, which the two could here, or was it just them hearing it about themselves.

"Anyway, me, Atwater, Antonio and Adam are going to his race track, a boy's outing, we are inviting the girls too, I guess it's an intelligence outing, we going go-karting, I got the one clear from the Doc saying the hairline fracture has disappeared, so it healed outside so I can go, would you like to come too, I think Hailey is coming," Jay asked.

Standing' outside, rainin' in the summer

Will you remind me why we ain't lovers?

Maybe you and I were too young

Didn't even know what love was

Can't remember how we left this

Was it you, or did I end it?

"We were in a car accident Jay, a semi-truck hit us 5 weeks ago, do you really think I would want to go go-karting, anything could have happened to us then, did you really think that I would take the risk and go go-karting," Erin exploded into a ball of emotions.

"Okay, okay, I shouldn't have asked you," Jay spoke

"No Jay you shouldn't have asked me, we're lucky you know that do you remember what even happened, do I need to list what was damaged, I got a total broken arm, I still have. I had to have emergency surgery because I had internal injuries, a ruptured spleen and a lacerated liver, remember. Not to mention the bruising everywhere on my entire left side, I had glass piercing my skin just about everywhere on my left side too. Then I had to have surgery again two days later; a bleed on the brain that made me have emergency brain surgery, I was in a coma for a week Jay, a whole week. You came away with cuts, bruises and three broken ribs, a hairline fracture to your lower leg, and a dislocated shoulder, and the glass that was pressing against your cheekbone," Erin spoke, trying her hardest to ignore the music on the radio, and when she went to turn it down Jay told her to leave it.

"I know, you're the one how had amnesia, I remember all of it, I was by your side for an entire week wishing for you to wake up, begging up you to wake up, the entire team was there most nights when you were in a coma, wishing for you to come back to us." He spoke angrily, "God, I only asked you to go to a race track to go-karting, next time I won't ask."

"Then don't," Erin declared as she shot her eyes towards looking away from the man sitting next to her.

Stupid kids runnin' reckless

We both learned our lessons

But we're older now

It didn't all work out

But I'll never forget it

Still got the necklace

Funny running' into you here

After all of these years

"Just turn the radio off, I don't want to listen to this stupid song," She spoke as she took her anger out on the radio and the music it was playing.

"It's only a damn song Erin, just leave it on, what did it ever do to you," Jay angered.

"Okay, I'll leave the radio alone then," They both decided to look apart and stared outside of their own respective windows.

Standin' outside, rainin' in the summer

Will you remind me why we ain't lovers?

Maybe you and I were too young

Didn't even know what love was (just maybe)

Kissin' me hard, rollin' in the thunder

Will you remind me why we ain't lovers?

Maybe it just wasn't our time

Maybe it will never be right

Or maybe lightning strikes twice (just maybe)

Lightning strikes twice

"Sorry I yelled at you," Erin apologised.

"No, I'm sorry that I asked, it was insensitive, I'm sorry Er," Jay concluded as he apologised for his insensitivity to the request.

"Just me alone, all i want to do is have the rest of my coffee and then we're back to the precinct," She muttered.

"Erin, come one, Erin, talk to me," He asked.

"I can't because if I do, I will never stop, Jay, If I acknowledge what happened I don't think I could cope with that reality,"

Can we go back, can we go back?

To the late nights in the streetlights

In your parents' cul-de-sac

I was so in love with that

And I know that I should know better

We should leave the past in the past, but

What are the chances that

We can go back, can we go back?

"What reality, you're here, I'm here, we're both okay, back at work, and everything is good again everything is healed, well except that arm of yours," Jay questioned her not knowing her mental health, being worried about how she was truly feeling.

"The reality that I died Jay, my heart stopped beating, I was dead for 2 minutes and 27 seconds, it was 2 minutes and 27 seconds where I wasn't alive, I had no heartbeat, no blood rushing around my body, no life in me, if they hadn't revived me I would be dead just like Camile and Justin, and I would have been dead just like nearly everyone who I have ever loved Jay. I could have died!" Erin whimpered as she had tears rolling down her pale beautiful face.

"I'm sorry Er, I know, I was there Erin, I heard them call that code on you, I heard that charge you three times before they had got you back, waiting for 2 hours until they had finished your surgery, then I still by your side for 22 hours while they had you still sedated, then I was there for the week that you didn't wake up until you woke up and was coughing and coughing for some to come to the tube out of your throat, I was there Erin hoping you'd live." Jay expressed.

Standin' outside, rainin' in the summer

Will you remind me why we ain't lovers?

Maybe you and I were too young

Didn't even know what love was (just maybe)

Kissin' me hard, rollin' in the thunder

Will you remind me why we ain't lovers?

Maybe it just wasn't our time

Maybe it will never be right

Or maybe lightning strikes twice (just maybe)

"You heard my heart stop, Hank heard it yet all i heard was nothing, just white noise, like the sea, i heard nothing not Hank yelling out like Maggie had told me because I had begged her to tell me the truth, I was dead, I was

"I'm just scared Jay, I'm scared to even get in my own car to drive, I keep calling cabs because I don't trust myself driving anymore," She said as the terror in her voice exposed her weakness.

"Then I'll pick you up every morning and take you home, you don't have to be afraid Er, it was a freak accident. It wasn't your fault, that truck driver had a heart attack at the wheel, no one could have stopped it, it was a green light, nothing was around and you went, the truck driver came off the interstate and he passed out Erin, he couldn't stop that accident any more than what you could have done," Jay accepted.

Lightning strikes twice (just maybe)

Lightning strikes twice (just maybe)

Lightning strikes twice (just maybe)

"Then from tonight, I will take you home, I have the precinct's car until I get the insurance for mine so i can get my own car," He suggested trying to protect her from the pain of driving before she was ready to overcome the anxiety of driving on the roads of Chicago.

"Thank you, but you're halfway on the other side of the city, I'll get used to just getting a cab, then I'll try and drive my car to the station." She denied his suggestion as she looked at his caring friendly face.

"No refusing I will take you to work and take you home until your ready to drive yourself," He declared not taking no for an answer, in that moment he had known that she had battled within her that she had to beat, she had to overcome, little did she know that she beat them like she had beaten every adversity in her life.

"Okay," She accepted.

Standing' outside, rainin' in the summer

Will you remind me why we ain't lovers?

Maybe you and I were too young

Didn't even know what love was (just maybe)

Kissin' me hard, rollin' in the thunder

Will you remind me why we ain't lovers?

Maybe it just wasn't our time

Maybe it will never be right (just maybe)

"I'm sick of being scared, no one gets it, no one," She cried.

"I get it, Er I get it, we were trapped in that truck together, I had to try and keep up awake but you wouldn't you kept drifting, do you know how much I hate myself for letting you drive that night. It was my truck. I should have been in that driving seat, I just had that brain injury, I couldn't move for a week, just watching you breathe with that machine, just up and down every time, hoping, wishing, wanting you to pull through. I get it more than anyone, I don't like getting this truck from the precinct but that's the way I am, I just suck it up and carry on, I always have and probably always will," He discussed.

"I'm frightened Jay, I'm frightened," Erin claimed.

"I know, I'm here Er, I'm here as much as you need me, we've always been here for each other and this won't change now or ever," He commented,

Standing' outside, rainin' in the summer

Will you remind me why we ain't lovers?

Can we go back, can we go back?

Can we go back? (Just maybe)

Kissin' me hard, rollin' in the thunder

Will you remind me why we ain't lovers?

Can we go back, can we go back?

Can we go back? (Just maybe)

Lightning strikes twice (just maybe)

Lightning strikes twice (just maybe)

"Thank you, that's why I think I love…" Erin professed.

" I know…" Jay acknowledged, admitting that he knew they had shared a look but she couldn't get the words of the sentence of three words out of her mouth, her brain wouldn't allow her.

They started to hug one another as they learnt into the middle of the truck, Erin firmly strapped into the car, with her seat belt so tight that it looks like it could cut the circulation of blood, but she began to release the pressure of the seat belt as she unbuckled, they had been parked for minutes while they were on a break from their duties.

"I'm always going to be here for you, always, no matter what time or place," He promised as he stared into her hazel brown eyes."

She didn't say a word, she just smiled like the sunshine was gleaming out of her perfect sensual pale red lips.

"We can't do this…"

"We can…"

"We shouldn't… But…"

Jay leaned into the middle of the car as Erin moved towards him, the pair moved towards together and their lips touched. Suddenly their lips touched, the creases of the red skin touched and gripped onto one and others subtle soft yet coarse lips, they connected like no other time. He hesitated – not like he didn't want it, wanted them, but he didn't know if this was happening, he bullied himself into thinking it wasn't real until they kissed again, her eyes begging to be held by him, to be touched, to be loved. Kissing like crazy, as their lives depend on it. His tongue slips inside her mouth like it was the first time, gentle but demanding, the tongues fought for the pair to open their lips, they connected and the pair kissed, as their lips disconnected they reconnected again, and again, every square inch of her body began to dissolve into his. His fingers start to grip at her long brunette and blonde shaded hair, pulling her closer to him.

He pulled over the centre console of the truck. The weight of her body on top of the upper part of his legs felt extraordinary, it felt like home. He felt her—all of her—sat pressing the small weight of her fleshy body against him, he began to inhale her scent. That's just… her, all her, her scent was sweet like strawberries and heavenly like honey. It was the most delicious smell he had ever imagined because he remembered that scent so fondly because she was his home, she had always been his home, she was his happy place in the world of uncertainty.

His veins throbbed harder each time their lips touched, gently and lovingly as their hearts exploded with the fireworks of the first kiss between them and the remainder of every kiss they had ever shared. At that moment they never wanted anyone like they wanted each other in that second like no other like that before. Ever. His hands were everywhere, but then he just place them in two places and it didn't matter whether she was sitting on his lap or that they were slowly kissing, he held her on his lap with one hand sitting around her back, held up by her hip, her legs were crossed like lady, as her back lent against the truck window and door card. His other hand was laid on her face, caressing her cheek as subtle skin.

Their bodies were tangled, intermingled into a vast being of love, serenity and friendship, all their emotions released into one humongous moment. The kisses slowed, becoming tender and infinitely more between them, as she relaxed in his arms, and the windows began to mist up with the energy and power breaths that took the oxygen from the space. It was like we were getting to know each other on an intimate level again, but they already knew each other. She was breathless and dazed, unprepared for all of this, but his body ached for more than just kisses and touching—for more of her. Not sexually he knew he would never do that in the setting them were, he clung to the possibility of this being real, of them being able to continue being like this, but he knew deep in his heart that this was either a dream or they would act like it was and nothing ever happened between them.

It was easy to get lost in each other, they had been separated for 4 years, nearly 5, they had been apart for so long, they had been family almost to one another, they were lost in this connection between the pair of them, it was like they were making up for lost time like they were making up for 5 years worth of being apart. The world—the universe—ceased to exist in their moment of being together, the past, the present was intermingled and destroyed concurrently. Kissing them until back she returned over the centre console, they began to sink into their seats thinking what they had done and wondering what the only one was thinking.


	16. Sixteen

Sixteen

...It was easy to get lost in each other, they had been separated for 4 years, nearly 5, they had been apart for so long, they had been family almost to one another, they were lost in this connection between the pair of them, it was like they were making up for lost time like they were making up for 5 years worth of being apart. The world—the universe—ceased to exist in their moment of being together, the past, the present was intermingled and destroyed concurrently. Kissing them until back she returned over the centre console, they began to sink into their seats thinking what they had done and wondering what the only one was thinking...

They both put their seatbelts on, and Jay started the engine to the truck, the lunchtime together she had enjoyed, the aftermath of the fighting, arguing in a small tin box on wheels had made them react in a way she didn't really know what she was doing, she thought that maybe she had taken advantage of the situation, but he had responded in the same way, with love, compassion, and lust, he had thought maybe the truck might have not been the best place to be kissing his boss in public, especially if he wanted to keep the chiefs and commanders on his side because everyone knew you needed them on your side at the 21st especially since Hank had gone. It was a strange ride back to the police station, Erin closing the gap between her seat and her down as Jay reached for the gearstick.

The couple walked into the back entrance of the precinct, avoid the masses of police officers above them in the main entrance of the building, Antonio had been at the bottom of the stairs to meet them notifying them not to go anywhere, a case had been passed down to them from the major incident team, where a gang had been going around Chicago cutting handbrake wires and had caused 5 major crashes in the last 2 days, Erin had immediately thought of her own crash that Jay had been a passenger too, she tried to keep her focus on her job, telling the team to gear up because Atwater had found some intel on where this supposed gang might hang out. All she could think about was the kissing in the very vehicle she was getting back into with Jay, as Atwater got in the back to accompany them because Erin had to stay out of the building until it was cleared, she was still unable to a medical expert fire a weapon with precise direction, even though in target practice with her injured arm she had been hitting 9's almost every time except for some 8's at the shooting range.

TWO DAYS LATER…

With the case they had nearly handled with a couple of minor offenders to round up for the case, Jay had seen Erin almost every minute in the last 14 hours yet, she still wouldn't say a word about how they had lovingly or so he had thought connected together in the front of the truck, while they had shared subways and juices 15 minutes away from the precinct. He sat at his desk, still staring at her office windows, majority of the blinds had been down, edging only glimpses at her sitting at her desk, and then moving up and own as she spoke on the phone he could just about see in her hand, Hailey asked if he had been daydreaming, he responded with a mumble, reassuring her that she was correct, he had finished his work, and was waiting to finally speak to her, he would take her to work and bring her home as he promised but they never talked, it was the radio blasted halfway and silence.

"Hiya, here is the incident report on that last crash, same MO, fire and rescue said it's most like the same culprits that caused the crashes, probably the last one before we apprehended them," He peered around the corner of the door, he had placed his head around, then opening the door fully noticing that she wasn't doing much so he shut the door and walked fully into her office.

"Okay, thanks, I'll file it with the rest of the incident reports for court," Erin accepted the file from his hand, before their fingers touched one another, just from the touch of her sent shivers down his spine, and a warm feeling in his heart, where she pulled back as quick as she could had his touch, not determining whether or not she felt the shiver and sparks from his skin touching hers.

"Erin its been days, can we at least talk about what happened," Jay asked, not trying to push the situation but they couldn't just be stuck in limbo on the situation forever.

"There's nothing to talk about, I need to get this filed," Erin divulged.

"Nothing to talk about, okay so what about nearly have sex in that truck parked downstairs," He mocked.

"Well, we didn't, and we are not talking about this in my office, while we are at work," Erin dismissed his allegations of car sex out of her mind.

"Why not, you weren't bothered about when we were doing what we were doing, so why would you even look me in the eye now then, you know what we did," Jay begged, he was sick and tired of her

"Jay, not now, where are at work," Erin asked of him to politely shut up and leave her office before the members of the team they both worked in would find out what they were talking about.

"Then when Erin, because you have always have been like this, you didn't regret it at the time, but now suddenly you don't even like me being anywhere near you, well I remember you being a lot closer than this, you may have a desk between us, but two days ago you were feeling exactly how I felt like we loved each other." He talked quieter with anger and anguish in his voice, trying to keep their business apart from work, while he spoke angrily towards her with his hand palm down on her desk, as she rolled backwards on the office chair behind the desk.

"Jay, we are at work, the whole team can hear us arguing so get out of my office and do your job!"

"Well we were in work hours, remember, in that patrol car that is parked down the garage right now, we were having lunch, I was being nice, we fought again, and then you kissed me."

"Well, it wasn't as if you didn't kiss me back you are wanting me more, I kissed you once, and you kept it up, I may of have brain surgery but my memory now is fine, and I remember you wanting me there and then, pulling me over that centre console,"

"I'm not the one regretting it, you have always done this Erin, I'm not going to hurt you, for god sakes, you sat on my sat and we kissed, lovingly kissed for 10 minutes,

"I'm your boss, we're at work, so get on with what you are doing and get out of this office now!" She yelled as people around the bullpen office looked at the man and woman in her office.

She saw him storm out her office, grabbing his coat, and rushing down the stairs before, the entire team looking shocked at the two who had been shouting at one another, they had all seen that they were both angry, Erin slammed her office door, before pulling down the blinds in her office, leaving her to be alone with her thoughts and the consequences of the argument between her and him. They had hardly heard a thing, but the words that Erin yelled so loud that the sound escalated to the bullpen, 'I'm your boss, we're at work, so get on with what you are doing and get out of this office now'. All of the members of the team looked concerned after they saw Erin slam her office door, to extend the crack that had been in the windowpane of the office door since she had been in Intelligence before.

…

"Erin… Can we talk please…" He asked

"Jay, I called a taxi, I just want to go home," Erin jibbed.

"I can drive you home, I promised that I would take you home, after that day, and I have just get in the car, cancel the taxi, I'll take you home,"

"Just leave it alone Jay, I can't even look at you right now, great my taxi has cancelled on me. Absolutely brilliant. "

"What the hell is your problem?!" he shouted in the middle of the nearly empty car park, being late at night the pair where nearly the only ones left to leave.

"What's my problem? You yelled at me in my goddamn office, in front of everyone we work with they are probably heard all of it, just me alone,"

"Get in or not, I'm going now," He huffed.

"Forget it, I know my car is parked in the parking lot, I'll just drive it home, gotta drive it at some point," Erin argued as she grabbed the zip on her bag. "I can't do this," She begged.

"Do what, we already did the kissing, so you can do that but not the talking,"

"Just leave me alone, I'll stay away, and nothing will happen again ever,"

"No." He refused.

"No? …Just leave me alone, I'll stay out of the way, go fell for someone who wants you," She asked.

"For f**ks sake just let me love you, I don't f**king want anyone else, I WANT YOU!" Jay screamed at the top of his voice, as he stood metres apart from the love of his life, begging her to stop thinking she was the one with all the problems.

"We don't belong together anymore, we haven't belonged together for 5 years Jay, just because I moved back to my hometown doesn't mean anything, I'm not enough for you, because you need to find someone who isn't going to destroy you or either of the pair of us," Erin tried to explain to her ex that nothing had really changed, except her change in address from one state to another..

"5 years, yeah, 5 years. That doesn't mean a thing, I fell for you like love at first sight, I flirted, and i loved you since the first day I met you, I don't just want to be friends, I want to be yours, and you be mine, no in the possessive sh*™, I just mean I love you, nothing is ever going to change that, I've 5 years to get over you and have I, No. the minute you walked back into that precinct, I feel for you all over again, I tried to put my feelings aside but I couldn't I will always love you, your the one for me," Jay declared holding her hand in his.

"Hank was right, he was always right, you don't date your partner because this happens, we worked too closely, we don't fit together anymore. We're friends, and friends will always be that we work together, we're friends and nothing more," Erin commented as she pulled her hands away from his masculine ones.

"I love you, Erin, I never stopped loving you," Jay begged her to listen to his feelings, to his words, he was finally revealing what he should have been able to do, to talk to her like no one else, to be able to reveal his whole self to her but he was just as scared as she was to really love each other.

"You don't mean that Jay, we never worked we tried twice and it didn't work, we don't work"

"Don't you dare tell me that I don't love you Erin, your the only woman on his planet that I have ever loved,

"Erin, can you tell me that you don't love me the way that I love you, like your my world, everything revolves around you. Tell me that and I'll walk away forever?"

"I don't… I can't love you, Jay, we are bad for one another."

"Are we though, we love each other Er, I love you, even when we weren't together when you left I had a ring, I was going to ask you to marry me because I realised in that moment that this between us was it, I had found the woman I wanted to married."

"Jay… don't do this,"

"I'm not going to propose to you Erin, I want you, I've always wanted you, but I'm not going to ask you to marry me to stay with me, I want you to want me like I know you felt. We've 0nly got one life, and in his life I want you,"

"Jay… We can't."

Jay planted a kiss on her lips and she reacted as if no time had passed at all, their lips synced with one another, and it was like every time they kissed, it was like fireworks. She fell into his arms like it was the most familiar place in the world, she kissed him back, with building hot tears smearing the cold air with blistering heat as they rolled down her cheeks, forming a pool above her top ilp, and her chin, they kissed only once but she felt like she was home, he was home, he would always be her him, but homes don't last forever and every time she had loved him she had lost a part of herself, she lost him because it was forbidden, she lost their child, she couldn't face losing him, a part of him again, she couldn't live through that again, she refused her heart to allow her to live through that pain.

"Jay, listen to me, we can't do this, we hurt each other, we break one another, we never talk to each other about the things we should talk about, we aren't meant to be, we're meant to be apart."

"Erin…"

"I love you, Jay, I will always love you, but we're haunted, we're not right for one another, we will just end up destroying each other, I love you, a part of me will always love because you were the only man I had ever loved, but I can't do this, I need to move on, I need to..." Erin spoke.

The heavens had opened mid-conversation, yet they had still stood in the rain talking, she looks at him one last time in a way they both knew was a loving look, but she blinked twice, a tear rolled down her face, even the rain couldn't disguise that emotion revealed from her eyes. She kissed his cheek, rubbed her tears away, she stood for a couple of seconds before she turned around.

She left him standing as the rain ran down his body, soaking his clothes as the rain just poured down his entire body, she walked away trying and willing herself to look back, the more she wanted too, the more she picked up the pace, she rose to a run, she ran as fast as she could but nothing to help her from the sea of tears gushing out of her eyes, as her drenched clothes and hair helped to disguise her tears from mourning for love from the man she had truly loved. He stood aimlessly staring at the heavenly figure in front of him walking away, she was feet away from him, as it moved to metres and tens of metres, before his feet had let him move, he had been fixed in quicksand. His mind had him running away from her, his heart had him running towards her, yet his conflicted feet just held in place while she rushed away. He hadn't as conflicted as the way he was feeling as he stood in the middle of a parking lot with the rain desecrating his clothes with saltwater rain.

He thought of the last time she had left, that she left with no goodbye no argument, no reason for her to stay, yet she had every reason to still, he realised that this would be the last time that he would ever do this, ever tell he that she was the one for him, that he loved her and no one else, she was the one for him, but he wouldn't do this again, if she needed time, he would wait, but he wouldn't wait forever, he needed to know whether this, that whatever they had it was worth it because they both loved each other. It was the last time he had ever watched her walk away from him after telling her that he loved her but he looked, stared and this time he decided that he wouldn't give up on her this time, he never went after her last time and he should have done, but this time he was taking the matter into his hands. In his mind and body, his heart had started to rule, his feet became unstuck and he ran towards her as she turned slightly to see him running towards her.


	17. Seventeen

Seventeen

... He thought of the last time she had left, that she left with no goodbye no argument, no reason for her to stay, yet she had every reason to still, he realised that this would be the last time that he would ever do this, ever tell he that she was the one for him, that he loved her and no one else, she was the one for him, but he wouldn't do this again, if she needed time, he would wait, but he wouldn't wait forever, he needed to know whether this, that whatever they had it was worth it because they both loved each other. It was the last time he had ever watched her walk away from him after telling her that he loved her but he looked, stared and this time he decided that he wouldn't give up on her this time, he never went after her last time and he should have done, but this time he was taking the matter into his hands. In his mind and body, his heart had started to rule, his feet became unstuck and he ran towards her as she turned slightly to see him running towards her.…

His feet moved finally moved into the distance, his feet moved one by one, gathering pace and more pace, but she had run to before she stopped, and he slowly behind her, before they both knew it Jay was uttering the words she had begged to herself to hear for the past 4 years and half years, ever since Jay had left her in their bedroom after Abby had come back into his life and disturbed their bliss in the apartment together.

"Please don't go, Erin, don't run away, you left last time I love you, I want you, I don't want anyone else," Jay uttered

"Jay… We don't..."

"Don't. We didn't work the first time because of Hank, he forbid us to be together, and the second time was because I wouldn't let you in, well what do you think I'm doing now" Jay demanded her to listen to his reasoning.

"What makes you think that this time would be any different Jay, were toxic together and toxic for one another, we just need to move on from one another." She declared.

She began to walk away, all of her emotions were running throughout her body, he longing and wanting of him for years, wishing that she had returned to Chicago for him, for them, she loved him like no other person on the planet, she knew she had commitment issues, that she never really stuck in a relationship long, not long enough to have fights, arguments or disagreements. She had a relationship with men before, she had a relationship with Severide but that just ended as quickly as it started they had both had relationship issues and commitment issue. Erin saw her car in distance, the car had been parked in the police officer's parking lot for weeks ever since she had the crash with Jay, she couldn't drive, she didn't want to get behind the wheel again but this night she just wanted the night to end, she needed the night to be over, so she could just get everything about the man who held the name, Jay Halstead, out of her mind, out of her heart, so she could finally fall out of love with him because her heart needed to her to either give in or give up.

"How can I move on from the love of my life," Jay said as he stared at her figure moving further away from him in the parking lot.

Walking further away from him, before she heard the words that she had wished to hear years ago before she left Chicago before she gave her life in her home city up to save her career in law enforcement and save her mother. He uttered the words 'love of my life', and she stopped dead, still staring at her car nearer in the distance, she turned to look at him close to her, he had walked in her direction, she collapsed standing into a slumped shaped against a great wall, but there she sat curled whilst the love of her life stood getting rained upon because she was scared to admit that he was the love of her life.

"What…" Her eyes were pinpricked as if her eyes were high on the white light from the stars of the night, with the reflections of the stary sky in her hazel eyes.

He dropped to one of his knees, so he could be on the same level as she was, he lifted her dropped chin up with his hand, "I know I said that I wouldn't do this to keep you, and I won't, I'm not begging Er, I don't want you because you want a ring from me, I want you to want me back because I love you, and your the love of my life, I married Abby for all the wrong reasons, and I wouldn't want to do or make the same mistakes with the woman I truly love, you have been through so much in you life and I don't want to be the man that broke you heart but I'm telling you this because I wat to live a life with regrets and I regret not going to New York to find you and aks you to marry me, I regret not going to New York, and then I would have known about the explosion and the baby, and I wouldn't of have to make you relive that experience by telling me. I want to live with regrets that I didn't tell you in actual words to your face in front of you with my own words that I love you Erin Lindsay and you're the love of my life." He spoke kneeling in front of her with his hand holding her head up so her eyes gleamed into his as he exposed his heart to her.

"I love you too, I wish you had of been there, and I wished I hadn't done what I had done, maybe things had been different, but Jay I'm broken, and I broke your heart and my own when I left, I don't want that heartbreak Jay, I just want to start afresh,"

"We could take a chance, together, a chance Erin, for now, I go with the chance they we give each other of loving each other, going on a date, or anything but I just want a chance for the pair of us. I love you, I want us to have a chance at being something real before we just let go of all the feelings between us."

Every time she had loved him she had lost a part of herself, she lost him because it was forbidden, she lost their child, she couldn't face losing him, a part of him again, she couldn't live through that again, she refused her heart to allow her to live through that pain.

"I want to, I want to have a chance but I feel like if I do that I might lose you again, we don't live in an ideal world Jay we live where we take guns everywhere we go, you've been shot, I've been in an explosion, Julie was shot dead, and Kim was shot too, we live around death, I've lost everything, I lost you, I lost my home, I lost my baby, our baby, I can't do this to lose you again, to lose anyone again, I've lost too many people in this job in this life. It was a mistake, and I shouldn't have let you fall in love with me again. It's not fair, I'm sorry but I can't do this again, I can't…" She had finally been honest with herself, she did love him, but she was too afraid to love him again.

She stood up as he rose to stand, she hugged him, before she was about to try to walk, he held her tight with his arms and body, she gazed into his eyes as he gazed with his soul into her, she looked up as he looked down on her smaller petite frame. The world continued to spin endlessly for what felt like oblivion and eternity, no words had been said yet their eyes seemed to communicate, they had both held onto each other and before they knew it some of the night shift police officers had arrive din their cars, with the beaming headlines lightning the parking lot that had been derelict for the past hour, they had both let go of one another before they watched the junior officers walk into the precinct from far away before either one of them had even begun to speak.

"Am I enough for you? Because I'm not perfect I know but I love you, and that has never changed from New York to coming back, a piece of me came back for you, for this," she asked as she kissed him, "I'm flawed and broken Jay, I can't be put becak together, I'm too broken for that, you have to realise we were toxic for one another, you have to accept me as me, that I'm enough for you." She questioned with such assertion in her b=voice, she was asking what she had longed to know a true answer that he was the only person that could answer and make her feel loved in a way that she had never loved before, truly with all of the heart and soul for the foreseeable future, or maybe forever for the rest of her life.

"You have always been enough Erin, more than enough, more than I had ever imagined or dreamed, I fell in love with you years ago, practically from the minute that we became partners, I want you, I don't what anyone else because everyone else isn't you, your the one for me Erin, I love you, you will always be enough and more from everything we have been through, I lost you to New York first then I nearly lost you again in that crash, I don't ever what to lose you again or nearly lose you, I just want you. I love you, Erin. You're my everything." He declared, he knew at that moment that his life had changed because Abby hadn't been the first woman he had ever loved, it was Erin, she was his first true love, and he had hoped at that moment that she would be his only true love.

In tears, Erin took Jay's hand as he started to raise, "Okay… We're doing this then" she whispered into his ear as they began to hold onto one another again as they were hugging friendly and softly as while not moving anywhere not wanting to break this moment in their lives apart, so to live in bliss for a single minute, a single moment, a single second before the weight of the world and the weight of their joint decision would weigh heavily on thor choice that they would make next.

"I love you," He told her as their cheeks touched as they hugged closer together, as one.

She whispered in his ear, "I love you too Jay Halstead…" she whispers while being cradled by his arms, tears rolling down her face as they stared at one another " but after this time never again, I can't do this again, it hurt too much to start over again and I can't do this just to end up alone again for you to beg for me back, this is our 'one day' if it doesn't work out then that's it, move on from me, from this, you promise me?" Erin asked.

"But mark my words as true Erin, if one day I will ask you to marry me if we get there one day if we make a go on making us work, that in love, one day I will be on the knee, with a ring in the palm of his hand and that day will be the day I ask you to marry me Er."

"If we get there," Always the cynic but he didn't care at that moment all he care was that she had agreed to a chance, for a try, for a go, they on last time to have it all, for love.

"Deal." Jay excitedly said.

"I'm scared, Jay…" She whispered in his ear.

"We can be scared together." He responded.

Jay picked her up and whizzed her around the car park with the pouring rain running down there faces as he kissed her like fireworks all over again as if it was the first time.

The rain rushed down. He hurried a kiss on her lips as the rain lashed against them again after the first wave of the rain had soaked them through. The clock stroke 9.30 pm and they had known they had been talking, running, hugging for a quite a long time, they had been slow and steady at the decision and the words they had told one another so they could tell each finally after so long that they both wanted each back so that they were both afraid of the relationship to come. He kissed her repeatedly softly with longer duration in between. When she looked up, on leaving his arms, there she stood smiling at his sexy cute face smiled at her. When he looked upon her below his face he saw the light force of his life almost soulfully running through her body like

"Ow, ow, ow," Erin whimpered after he picked her up, she had still pain arm after he had raised her arms so her could pick her up from her hips and whizz her around the parking lot, all the excitement had caused them both to forget about the injuries that they both had still healed.

"Sorry," Jay apologised as he kissed her tentatively on her head, with a warm sweet kiss that touched her like a sweet angel.


	18. Eighteen

Foreword: So it's the Holidays of 2020, it hasn't been a brilliant year for many, but I hope that the year to come is better for everyone so Merry Christmas to everyone and I hope you enjoy then brand new Christmas themed chapter of Guess Who's Back! Merry Christmas Everyone!

Eighteen

Days had passed since the pair had been anywhere near each other, Erin had been busy with the commander and the chief with Platt as they were finally putting practices in place for police reform for at least at the 21st precinct, which Platt had thought that the practices should of be put in place for all the stations in the area, instead of just using the 21st precinct as a guinea pig trial run for the rules and regulations. He had known where she lived so finally on his day off he had decided to visit her at her home and see how she was doing. Secretly he was really wanting to ask her on a date before the Christmas holidays in Chicago were set in full motion which would have been by the weekend, he looked at the door number to her apartment with no wreath on the door, noticing that was something different about her, wherever she had lives she would of putting a wreath on the door with poinsettias interlaced into the weave of the wreath because it reminds her of Camille. He knocked on the door and waited and hoped for a response for her to be home so that he could see her for the first time in days.

The door opened for him to see her standing an oversized woolly dress and tights on as she bent one of her knees, making her seem to be shorter than she was while she leant against the same doorframe he was leaning against, "Hi," He spoke.

"Hey," she responded as she looked at the man stood wearing jeans and a dark navy shirt on, with his coat hanging over his shoulder where one of his handheld it, and the other helped him lean on the doorframe.

"What you been up to," He questioned, looking soulfully into her eyes, as she wiped her hair from in front of her eyes to on top and over the top of her hair.

"Just unpacking the Christmas decorations that I bought while in New York and some I bought wheel I was Shopping with Kim last week, so it glitters, sparkles and many amounts of led lights that I need to untangle, I could do with a hand getting the step ladder from on top of the wardrobe, I can't reach it, Kevin put it to the back on top, I'm shorter so I can't reach it," She explained as they just stood at the door having a cute and casual conversation between the pair of them.

"I suppose I could help you get the step ladder and then maybe help you untangle those lights, I haven't really haven't put any decorations up at my place, I have a Christmas tree put," He suggested, trying to help him knowing that she still had to have her cast on her forearm for the next couple of week until after Christmas.

"Well I don't even have that, it's still in a box, I had my storage stuff come down from New York too, I have a storage locker now where I can dump that stuff but it is in the second bedroom with the rest of the Christmas stuff for now until after Christmas," She commented smirking knowing that he would have a response to that statement she had just old him.

"Sacrilege, its the 10th of December, and not a single Christmas decoration, I thought I knew you better," He joked knowing that she had been busy in the last couple of days nearly a week getting the Christmas cover and patrols sorted because the commander had delegated it to her do for the 21st precinct with Trudy Platt.

"Well, Hank, Olive and Daniel, are coming here for Christmas, Hank didn't want me to travel, I told him that I'm fine and that my cast is coming off some, so I'm pretty much healed, but now they are both coming, Hank says he is coming for Christmas Eve, but with Daniel being a kid, I don't think he will, I haven't exactly celebrated Christmas in 4 years, but he says we are but Olive say that she and Daniel aren't coming till 26th, she is celebrating Christmas with her family, and then coming here," She smiled like she hadn't smiled in a while, she was happy and couldn't wait until she had them in her apartment, because she had been talking to Kim and him when she had been at appointments that she didn't want to face all alone.

"I suppose then it will have to be a good Christmas, just the 4 of you, I bet Daniel is looking forward to seeing his sort of aunt Erin," He smiled knowing that the mention of little Danny made her happy.

"I don't know what he calls me to be honest, it just Erie, mainly because for some reason, I think Olive told me that its because he couldn't say Erin when I went to visit them on Justin's birthday a couple of years back," Erin commented, talking as she sat on the bare hardwood flooring of her apartment.

"So what should we start first with them, since your a grinch and haven't gotten into the Christmas spirit and put up some decorations," He mocked her before he planted a kiss on her cheek then reach over to get the second box of decorations from behind her, kneeling on the ground, with her next to him.

"Hey I have been busy, with work, and arranging Christmas things I had sort like travel accommodation for Olive, Daniel and Hank, they're all coming to stay here this Christmas, so I've been trying to sort through all the stuff in those extra bedrooms, and I've had single day bed delivered for the office, I've just been putting that together and getting the mattress sorted and bedding, so I have had more things pressing than putting the Christmas decorations up around this huge apartment," Erin discussed telling him her Christmas plans, as she nudged his arm as she tried to untangle the masses and masses of lights that she had bundled into a box before leaving New York.

"Well we will have to put that right and get these decorations up before little Daniel Voight gets into town or his grandfather Hank will think you're a grinch and want to ruin Christmas for him," He joked knowing that she dying to laugh inside from the smirk that arose on her pale sweet face.

"Gosh sinister much, Jesus I have until the 26th to get this place ready," She laughed.

They both laughed as they pair stood up to see where she had left the tree in the plastic box in the apartment, "The tree is in that box, its a 7 foot one I think, it's artificial so it'll take some time to put together, and for me to decorate it," She pointed out to him after she could see the box in her bedroom from the window paned door that opened to the master bedroom.

"Will that even fit in here, the ceiling doesn't look that tall, to be honest," He questioned as they lifted the box to move it to the living room so that she would finally have a Christmas tree in the huge apartment that she owned.

"It's 7.5 feet I think, well that's what Hank measured when the ceiling as, well when he was last time, if not I'll just have to get a new one, I'll just put it in storage or something its an artificial one so I should last," She told him as they placed the large plastic rectangle box on the ground in front of the fireplace that had been blocked off, which only served as a decoration rather than anything functional.

"Oh, okay, I'll give you a hand putting it together and we will see if it fits then if it doesn't its Hank's fault," Jay joked knowing Voight all too well.

"Yeah, blame it on Hank, I'll get the blame from Daniel, when he arrives here and there isn't any decorations or a tree, so really I'm doing all of this for him, he's a kid, he believes in Christmas, plus I have some presents for him on the kitchen island, that need to go under the tree for when they all arrive, I don't know how the sleeping arrangement is going, Hank will be in the second bedroom, Danny in the office now that he is a big boy, I suppose Olive can have my room, and I'll take the couch, well that's one thing sorted," Erin pondered at her own thoughts as she spoke them aloud.

"I guess so, I better help you make this place a kid-friendly Christmas," He laughed.

Erin sat on the carpet in her living room, as she opened the boxes to her Christmas boxes, she had enlisted Jay's help to help her put all the Christmas decoration up around her apartment. They had been just getting finally back together, it had been 5 days since they had kissed in the parking lot and decided to make a go of it together.

"Well, It's just me and Will celebrating maybe at mine, I think he might be doing a shift on Christmas day so I'll be watching all the Die Hard movies in bed under the duvet, or I might be on a patrol shift," He commented, knowing that if Will was off he would being just staying in bed all day doing absolutely nothing but chilling in bed watching his favourite action series.

"You can't your not cleared to do patrol shifts yet, remember I went with you to that doctor's appointment, with you telling you you're not allowed to do extreme or long amounts of exercise running, so no patrol for you, because we had my doctor's appointment saying I couldn't effectively discharge a weapon even though in target practice I shot 9s and 8s with my busted hand," Erin marked while they piece by piece put the tree together next to the fireplace.

"Spoilsport," Jay laughed, "anyway I'm sure that doctor was being too caution, no patrol and no weapon discharge, we could both do it in our sleep, injured or not," He commented.

"Good…," She smiled, "If you don't have Christmas day with Will maybe you could come to have Christmas here, with me, Hank as well, and if any other misfits have no family for the holidays then them too," She suggested thinking it was a good idea until she thought that know she had just asked whether or not her boyfriend, partner whatever they had to decide to call each other wanted to spend Christmas with her, she panicked a little after the words left her room, it had only been less than a week, then he started to respond to her request.

"I suppose I could, it's not like we just starting this, we definitely know each, " He joked, "I think we're the only ones who haven't got family or friends like family to spent Christmas with. Anyway, what about Teddy?" Jay asked as they finally untangled the first lot of lights for that she had decided she wanted to hang all over the mirror in the entranceway to the apartment, and some window stickers she had bought for the mirror so it would look more Christmas like.

"Erm, he doesn't do Christmas and we don't have really have a good brother-sister relationship anyway, we care about each other if anything is wrong but it's like Christmas and birthday cards only, we just don't really talk… I don't know it's complicated, we haven't really been brother and sister for years, he didn't like that Hank took me in and he had to live a life that was horrible, he never deserves that" Erin tried to explain.

"You never deserved what you went through either," He empathised with her, knowing that her childhood and beginning adulthood hadn't been a walk in the park either.

"I know but he was so much worse, he was trafficked and lead down a path he should have never had to take or been forced to take, " She disregarded his sympathy or empathy knowing that he own childhood hadn't been great but at least she had been safe when she had meant Hank, he and Camille had given her a home when Teddy was being trafficked in New York.

"I guess then, we are having Christmas together if Will is working, he seems to like working the Christmas shifts since Dad's gone, no mum, no dad, just us two, it's different, do you ever talk to Bunny anymore then," He felt like he was getting to know her all over again, as he had already asked all of these questions before, nearly a decade before when they had become partners in the intelligence unit after Antonio had recommended him to the unit.

"No." She abruptly spoke.

"Sorry I asked," He apologised instantly.

"No, no, I'm sorry, I just never want to see her again, I put my career my whole life I had here on the line for her, and when I got to New York and she was up to the same sh*t and so I left her where she was, never told her where I lived and I haven't spoken to her since. She will never change, but I'm not going to put her or anyone first except me if I'm in a situation like that again." She spoke as she reached as far as she could to place he tinsel and baubles on the fully formed tree, that had taken them a short while to the article tree together.

"Hey let me put those up, Will, told me that you have been overexerting yourself because he was telling that you had pulled one of those stitches out," Jay told her, concerned for her welfare and the injuries that she was healing from.

"Okay okay, you can do it, Well even if Will is off then just ask him if he would want to have Christmas dinner here, I have a dining table for 10, even if it's me, you, Hank, and Will, I mean at least then we can get a decent turkey and I can it, and we wouldn't be alone, or bored," She commented.

"I guess, but if we do, no way you cooking the turkey I remember how you cooked one years ago I still can't get the taste of charred burnt turkey out of my mouth," He mocked her after knowing how she had cooked a Sunday dinner they had had together many years ago.

"Oi, I cooked it the way that google told me too" Erin playfully spoke as she lightly punched his arm, and fake being pushed over, and he pulled ar her non-casted arm, towards him, so that they ended up with the tinsel for the Christmas tree behind him and she was awkwardly laying onto of his chest, with her face planting to the crook in his neck and chin, before they both more their heads so they could see one another.


	19. Chapter Nineteen

Nineteen

Christmas day rolled around quickly enough and Hank hadn’t been able to make it to Chicago, Daniel had thrown a hissy fit over not having his grandpa at Christmas with his other grandparents, Erin had told Hank that it didn’t matter, she wasn’t a kid anymore, and when he had taken her in she wasn’t a kid then, she had been 14 or 15 when she had celebrated her first Christmas with the Voights. It had been so long ago she barely remembered her age when she had that first Christmas with them, she remembered all the Christmases she had ever had with them because they were important to her, but when Camille died, and then Justin, she didn’t really feel like Christmas was her thing to do anymore, but Hank had always bought her into the spirit but this year she felt like she had something to celebrate.

She played the song from her phone through the Bluetooth sound system she had set up all around her apartment, including her favourite AI assistant Alexa, which Jay had just called her on for being lazy for asking her to do anything she couldn’t be bothered to search for her herself or add something to her shopping list. Erin liked covers of Christmas songs, maybe because it reminded her that everything can be reborn, recreated and made new again, so she played ‘Last Christmas’ cover by Ariana Grande one of her girl power Christmas favourites for now. 

It was the small things that Jay knew about her that no other person had never known about her, even Hank didn’t really know some things, it was like his secret he knew that the world didn’t, maybe except her Alexa Echo Dot, how he knew that she liked covers over the original because it was like how her life had panned out her mother and never known father were the original and she had been screwed up for the rest of her life between of them but the cover was Hank and Camille, they were perfect and made her life whole, loving and worth living.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart  
But the very next day you gave it away  
This year, to save me from tears  
I'll give it to someone special

Erin had selected the music, Jay had got himself a beer from the fridge and a glass of red for Erin from the special cupboard she had stored her alcohol in. She had succumbed to having a glass or a drink of alcohol every now and then in the last couple of years she had only really ever had a drink when it was to toast to friends, family or for the police force, and again it was only on special occasions or holidays.

Now Jay had always been one to have beers in the fridge even if he never had anything else in the house, he would always have a couple of beers tucked away in case of a bad case or day at work, it was his way to unwind after a hard day. Jay and Erin sat in front of the fire, the crackling of the wood in the wood-burning stove illuminated the apartment with whisps of amber light flickering softly against the harsh light of the numerous led string light hung around the lounge area.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart  
But the very next day you gave it away (you gave it away)  
This year, to save me from tears  
I'll give it to someone special (special)

The pain was sat in front of the fire, Jay sat against the side of the sofa, where Erin laid against him she snuggled up to him as he looked down and she looked above they sat blissfully in their own Christmas bubble, as they lay starting at one another and the fire in front of them. A knock at the door startled the pair from looking into one another eyes, staring into the abyss of one another. She dazed at his entire presence before she looked at the clock seeing the time, 2.30 pm.

“I think it might be your brother,” She remarked before he let go of her body and proceeded to stand to get the door. 

“I’ll get it,” Jay responded.

“I’ll put dinner onto cook then,” Erin replied.

I keep my distance, but you still catch my eye  
Tell me baby, do you recognize me?  
Well, it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me

“Don’t burn anything,” He smiled as he joked while walking across barefoot on the hardwood flooring towards the front door.

“Oi, I’m not that bad, and anyway I’m only putting the hob on and the oven, I can actually cook you know, it’s not that bad,” She laughed as she turned everything gon from the stove that had been prepared that morning after the pair had laid the gifts they had gotten from people and from each other under the large tree.

Jay opened the door to reveal more than he had expected, his brother, and his brother’s ex and her child, not that he had anything against Natalie and he loved her kid just that she had broken his brother’s heart one too many times.

"Merry Christmas" I wrapped it up and sent it  
With a note saying "I love you", I meant it  
Now I know what a fool I've been  
But if you kissed me now, I know you'd fool me again

“Erin said invite anyone who was going to be alone, and Nat’s just on he owns with the little munchkin so I invited them to join us for Christmas,”

“Hey, Erin, Will’s here, he bought some friends, Nat and Owen are here,” Jay spoke with a hint of 

“More the merrier,” Erin shouted from around the corner while juggling putting all of the food onto cook so they could eat sooner rather than later.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart  
But the very next day you gave it away (you gave it away)  
This year, to save me from tears  
I'll give it to someone special (special)

“I suppose we better open the presents while the food is cooking,” Jay suggested.

“Yeah that’s a good idea,” Will spoke, as he looked at his brother as he looked towards Nat hugging Owen.

Erin brought all the presents forward, and Nat had brought Owen’s presents with her from the car, as she emptied the shopping bag of wrapped presents all with Owen’s name on them. They had all began to pass the presents around that had each other’s names on them, Erin had got a few last-minute gifts for Will when he had said he was coming over for Christmas, she hadn’t spent much but it was the thought of the gifts, she had got him some socks, a bottle of whisky and some glass tumblers because Jay had told her that in the apartment they had shared he didn’t own any,

Last Christmas I gave you my heart  
But the very next day you gave it away  
This year, to save me from tears  
I'll give it to someone special (special)

Erin opened a medium-sized box, within a small heart-shaped box, she unwrapped the ribbon from the box itself before opening it to reveal, a silver necklace and earring set that it was more familiar than she had realised, it had been almost identical to the necklace she had gotten a graduation gift after she had graduated from the Police Academy from Justin, 

“How did you know, I never told you,” Erin was astonished by her gift from Jay, he had gotten her the perfect present she had been given in almost a decade because it was more thoughtful than she had ever imagined because it bought a piece of Justin back to her, he had been a brother to her, so like Teddy was her brother, she had always considered Justin as her brother, even when Justin had suggested to her that they could go on a date years ago she had flat refused him saying even then that it was inappropriate to her because he was like her brother.

Ohh  
Oh, oh, baby

“I asked Hank, what the perfect gift would be, and he told me that you had lost that necklace years ago, but you had loved it because it was the only real necklace you would want to wear never, according to Hank, so I found a shop that made ones just like the one you had,” Jay revealed.

“I love you, and thank you for the necklace,” She thanked him, “Can you put it on for me, please,” She asked as he fiddled with the clasp of the sterling silver necklace while he placed the stone-cold metal piece of jewellery on her chest, and around her neck.

A crowded room, friends with tired eyes  
I'm hiding from you and your soul of ice  
My God, I thought you were someone to rely on  
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

“I love you too,” He spoke, before he kissed her cheek from behind her still, and hugged his head around her neck as she kissed him back aiming for the lips but managing to kiss his nose.

The pair had returned to where they had originally sat, while they watched an eager child, Owen opened all of his presents that Natalie had got him, he was grinning from cheek to cheek as he unwrapped more and more wrapping paper, his face illuminated by the happiness of new toys, book and soft squishy toys.

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart  
A man under cover but you tore me apart  
Ooh, ooh, now I've found a real love  
You'll never fool me again

“Thank you you didn’t have to, you know that, I love it, thanks,” She continued to thank him as they began to move into an embrace of love as she sat on the sofa and him on the floor in front of her, she leant down to passionately kiss him as a true thank you for the amazing gift she had received.

“Okay, okay we get it, you too are happy and back together again,” Will joked as he sat back down on the couch on the other side of the lounge area, with a just-opened glass bottle of beer in his hand.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart  
But the very next day you gave it away (you gave it away)  
This year, to save me from tears  
I'll give it to someone special (special)

“Well, we’re allowed to be happy, it been nearly 5 years since we’ve done this, and she was just thanking me for her necklace and the earrings I had got her.” Jay grinned as he held onto Erin’s hand.

“Why not, at least Jay seems to be happier now than he has been in a while, let them have the happiness of the holiday together again,” Natalie had replied to Jay and Will’s comments and had suggested that the pair had just been making up for the lost time and that they were finally happier together than they were apart and that they were finally happy again after nearly 5 years apart.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart  
But the very next day you gave it away  
This year, to save me from tears  
I'll give it to someone special  
Special

“I guess so, just keep it PG, we have a chid in the room guys,” Will joked as Jay and Erin burst into laughter as Will had had a few too many beers and had been making kissy and smoochie faces at the pair.

“Okay Will, I think the beer might have gone to your head, how many had you had,” Erin joked.

“Erm… Er…4...I think,” He tried to think of the amount he had drunk on an empty stomach, while Jay had stood up to go check on the turkey that they had been cooking since the morning even if it had been only the two of them, they would have had a whole load of turkey but it seemed liked it was finally ready to eat, and Erin had come to check on the vegetables that had been up onto cook a while ago before they had started present opening.

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart (I gave you mine)  
A man under cover but you tore him apart  
Maybe next year we'll give it to someone  
I'll give it to someone special  
Special  
So long…

The pair of them began to dish out the vegetable into dishes for the dining table in front of the glass of windows that looked out onto a huge balcony in a penthouse apartment that let all of the views of Chicago to be seen from the view they had. Jay had begun to carve the turkey and place it on plates as Erin had gone to get the spoons and forks for getting the vegetables out of the dishes onto people’s plates.

“Dinner is ready, it’s not too late, so if we manage to eat our Christmas dinner then there is a black forest gateau for dessert,” Erin called out to the entirety of people in her apartment as she had set the dining table and the food was ready to be eaten.

“Yum, I can’t wait to eat this,” Will spoke as he sat to the table with a little help from Jay so that he wouldn’t walk into anything and break it or hurt himself from getting from the lounge to the dining room area, as the boundaries of the rooms were non-existent because of the whole open style living of her apartment.

Nat had managed to get Owen away from his new toys and the little boy ran at his fastest speed he could to the large glass wall of windows before he in his child’s voice screamed in excitement as he yelled gleefully, “It’s Snowing!”

“Happy White Christmas Er,” Jay whispered into his girlfriend’s ear, as he hugged her behind, with his arms wrapped around her front.

“Merry White Christmas to you too,” She smiled as they both stood in front of the floor to ceiling glass that encased the outside of the majority of the apartment that Erin had bought.


	20. Chapter Twenty

PS. I don't think I will write a chapter like this again, I don't usually write in this style but writing this story pushed me to new levels of my writing, but this chapter isn't so integral to the story so if you don't like this style of writing or chapter they feel free to wait for the next chapter xxx

...

*****WARNING***** This chapter is for mature audiences, probably over the age of 16, because of significant adult themes, however, this is just a warning, so read at your own discretion, the majority of this chapter is rated as the rest of this story but just a pre-warning, I have never rite any sort of sex scene so I am a novice at this and just trying this sort of writing out. The beginning and the ending will be sex scene free and I have outlined the scenes that you mind want to miss out if you don't wish to read it with these: '***' warning marks at the beginning and ending of adult theme scenes and scenes of explicit or sexual imagery of characters in this chapter, this is why only this chapter is rated M or MA, not the entire story which is more or less rated T xoxo *****WARNING*****

...

Twenty

"Happy White Christmas Er," Jay whispered into his girlfriend's ear, as he hugged her behind, with his arms wrapped around her front.

"Merry White Christmas to you too," She smiled as they both stood in front of the floor to ceiling glass that encased the outside of the majority of the apartment that Erin had bought.

…

Will and Natalie had packed up Owen's toys and presents that Natalie had wrapped up and brought up to Erin's Apartment for their Christmas celebrations, the time was late and the four adults had drinking wine and talking for hours sat around the fire.

Erin had gone searching for the blanket which was more of the tog of a duvet than a blanket that Jay had told her it looks more like a rug than a blanket, she had eventually found it inside the office inside a box onto of the bookcases she had put up with the help of her friend a couple of months ago. Jay had come in to help her get the box down with the help of a step ladder, with the heights of ceilings being 71/2 or 9 foot due to the sloping roofline of the building which could be seen the most in the apartment from the office and the kitchen, which had extra widows up high, that Erin had decided that they would probably never get cleaned because of the position they were in.

After a while Erin had thrown the sheepskin and lamb's wool blanket onto the hardwood ground, a fair distance of a couple of feet away from the open fire, Jay had placed the fireguard around the open flames so that Owen could continue to run around the apartment with his new toys and his new favourite of the model toy plane that Will have bought him from a kids store a couple of weeks ago when he had been babysitting him for Nat, he had gone back to store late that night after Nat had picked him up and went back and bought it for him for Christmas.

…

From where you are

You see the smoke start to arise

Where they play cards

And you walk over

Softly moving passed the guards

The stakes are getting higher

You can feel it in your heart

He calls you bluff

He is the ace you never thought

He played that much

And now it's more than all this cards

You want to touch

You never know if winning this

Could really be enough

Their cheeks were cheek to cheek skin to skin romantically touching one another as if it was the first time they had ever touched like it was the first time that they had ever been together sensually, sexually and lovingly. They had much night like this one, just this one felt different, it felt like they had finally found one of another soulmate finally for the first time it was that they had found each other's home, she was his and he was hers.***He undid his belt from his black jeans, practically ripping the white v neck off his chest, and dropping his clothes that hid his muscles and pale skin into a pool at his feet. The only thing that remained on his body was his skin-tight boxers.***

Take a look

Beyond the moon

You see the stars.

And when you look around

You know the room by heart

I have never dreamed it

Have you ever dreamed a night like this

I cannot believe it

I may never see a night like this

When everything you think is incomplete

Starts happening when you are cheek to cheek

Could you ever dream it

I have never dreamed, dreamed a night like this

***She slowly unnervingly unbuttoned her shirt dress, each button unhooking from its designated hole from the chiffon plain pale pink fabric in between they attempted vast amounts of lustful kisses from their lips locking and moistening their lips with their kisses, some missing their full lips and only touching partially and other where their tongues examined new and previously forgotten areas of each other mouths. Teasing the clothes from her petite frame, the collar of her dress unhinged itself from the collar of her black thin cardigan that hand been hanging half off and a half on, with the button unclipped from their connected homes more of her lingerie revealed with the gleaming twinkling fairy lights and the flames of the open fire painting pictures of black and white silhouettes and shadows onto their nude skin.***

How many times

Have I been waiting by the door

To hear these chimes

To hear that someone debonaire has just a arrived

And opened up to see

My world before my eyes

That silhouette creates an image

On the night I can't forget

It has the scent of something special

I can't rest

If I resist temptation

Oh, I know for sure that I will lose the bet

I walk away and suddenly it seems

I'm not alone

In front of me he stands

I stop, before he goes

***Suddenly it was lips against lips, torso against torso, skin against skin, they had let go of any reservations they had had before, it was just the pair of them in the very moment taking in every piece, every moment every inch of each other body memorising how it used to look and the new way it looked with new freckles and scars that glossed the body with pure imperfections that made them more human than they had ever been filled with lust.***

I have never dreamed it

Have you ever dreamed a night like this

I cannot believe it

I may never see a night like this

When everything you think is incomplete

Starts happening when you are cheek to cheek

Could you ever dream it

I have never dreamed, dreamed a night like this

I have never dreamed it

Have you ever dreamed a night like this

I cannot believe it

I may never see a night like this

When everything you think is incomplete

Starts happening when you are cheek to cheek

Could you ever dream it

I have never dreamed, dreamed a night like this

...

***Erin and Jay, laid naked with the only bed sheets on them in the master bedroom with the door fully open unknowingly while Olive, Hank and Daniel had finally arrived at Erin's apartment, Erin had posted Hank a key a while ago so that he could come and visit her any time he wanted so, she had said that the second bedroom had been his and that any time he was in Chicago he could come and stay with her. Erin walked out of her room, picking up a translucent short dressing gown before Jay closely followed with his boxers loosely holding onto his hips. Jay holstered her up onto his hips so that her legs were hugging his body, before he twirled them around before she let go of his body, and sat on the glass dining table, with nothing but her limited clothing on. Her lips suckled on his neck as he moved to kiss her neck, she sat on the glass dining table as she flung her dressing grown out of the way, landing floating its way into the kitchen, and Jay's boxers dropped one side then the other before, they rested at his feet before he kicked them from his feet and flung across the room they ended up just outside the bedroom double barn-style doors.***

Hank unlocked the door to the apartment, completely unclothed as Hank opened the door, the Erin sat unclothed and completely nude with only the natural sunlight coming in from the windows from under the blinds that hadn't been pulled down fully. Jay was kissing Erin's neck, giggling and trying to squirm her way out of his arms. Hank dropped his suitcase on the hardwood ground before Erin quicker slithered in front of Jay, as Daniel stood behind Olive and Hank at the entranceway to her apartment, "I guess it's a bad time to tell you we're here then…" he spoke with his raspy hoarse voice.

"Hank!" Erin exclaimed.

"Sorry Sir," Jay apologised.

"Sir?" She playfully slapped his arm, "He's not your boss anymore and he's most defiantly not a knight, he's my dad!" She giggled.

"Well, what was I supposed to say, your Dad and your like sister in law and your nephew is here and we're barely clothed?" ***He whispered into her ear, as he held his hands in front of his male appendage holding his manhood out of unwanted eyes attention.***

"Not sir!" She laughed as she told behind him with her naked body hidden by his tall frame, as while Hank stood in front of them looking less than amused.

"Okay, note to self, don't call Hank sir then," He whispered in her ear, as Hank continue to stare at them while Olive had tried to keep Daniel from running into the apartment, Hank gazed at the pair as they stood naked, hiding the majority of the nudity from the way they were sat and stood, before Jay stood in front of his girlfriend making his entire body visible to see from the adults and the child that was in the room, luckily Daniel hadn't seen a thing and was occupied by his toys cars, Olive saw the sight before she closed the door too, so Daniel was unaware of his sort of adoptive aunt and her boyfriend naked in the middle of the floor.

***She rose from behind his body, and shoulder, as she stood on her tiptoes with her hands cupping his neck and his body. Her skin blended with his, as they blended into one her from behind and him from in front, her body and his mingled seemingly into one. She cradled his body with her petite soft hands as her breasts stuck to his back as she grabbed him disguising her own nakedness behind his. The cast on her arm was the only part of her body that had been left unexposed, and that was not down to Erin's preference she was waiting impatiently for the cast to be removed, she had only days to wait until she could have it removed, the 29th of December, it was all she could think of sometimes, that she could finally up the car accident out of her head and put in out of her mind and in the past, she could finally think of the future instead of having a constant reminder of the past.***

"How about putting clothes on, that might be a good starting point, Erin. Here, I think this belongs to you." Hank spoke with notes of disgrace appearing in this voice, as Erin just smiled behind Jay's back from embarrassment and the imminent laughter that was boiling in her body from the situation they were in. Erin buttoned the shirt dress that had been on the floor at was at Hank's feet, and that Hank had thrown to her as she turned around for the whole world of Chicago to see if the blinds had of been higher and the balcony of not been so big to hide the view of her naked body from plain sight,

"Sorry, I didn't know you were coming this early, you said that it would be later on," She apologised, think that she couldn't remember what time he had told her that they would arrive at her apartment because of all the hassle she was having with the chiefs of police and her bosses above her she had forgotten about the timing only that it would be after 12, or so she had thought as Jay had quickly ran towards Erin's bedroom while she had been buttoning her dress, putting all of the clothes he could find on, except for the belt that somehow managed to end up on the middle of the floor in the living room, he returned later fully dressed much to Hank's approval.

"It's half eleven, it's not exactly early," Hank commented.

Erin finished buttoning her shirt dress before Daniel like the giggly child he was, ran in front of his mother and granddad before happily screaming "Autine Erie!"

"Daniel, Oh my god! You've gotten so tall, haven't you! Huh, since the last time I saw you! Soon you're going to be taller than me, you're catching me up, aww!" She exclaimed hugging the young child, who was just as excited to see as she was to see him, they hadn't seen each other in a while so they were both gleaming with smiles.

Jay dressed in boxers, jeans and a white v neck again, he walked very embarrassed out of Erin's bedroom with his entire face red with embarrassment he walked into the great hall of the living and dining area, Olive had walked over and rolled over her suitcases and that glided on the hardwood flooring effortlessly. Erin's smile was ear to ear, and restore hope in her soul that one day she could have it, that she would be the one who was the mother watching contently as people were glad to hug and play with her child.

Every emotion and feeling she had was exaggerated from her own happiness to see her sort of nephew but she had released her emotions and her feelings more than she had ever done about anything, and at that moment Jay just stared at his girlfriend and thought of all the things they had been through together and apart, they had been destined to be together for years, months, days, seconds. All that time, all the time in their lives they were just waiting for the right time, but there never was just one time, they ended up creating their own right time. He thought of her mothering love towards her nephew and he knew that she would of have made the best mum in the world because she was the best aunt to Daniel, she had fought so much but she as still standing, still breathing, still fighting and she always would be.


End file.
